After some difficulty getting to sleep last night for no good reason, I was exceptionally slow getting up this morning. Yoga was core-heavy which was needed but rough. I danced extra hard and extra long in the shower today because it felt really good. I’m liking my new Spotify account and playlists, I’m way late on this boat, but better than never I guess.

I started this digital journal today which took up more time than I intended, but I think it will be worth it and move faster once I’m all set up and get into a groove. It snowed today out the window while I was working on it. It was pretty.

My very first post is loooong but somewhat therapeutic to have a concise draft of the story (I could go on forever if I tried) now living outside of me instead of just inside or as temporary and different retellings to close friends. Although, the deeper I got into the story and remembering our relationship, it did bring about a fresh sense of sadness from missing her deeply again, which has been hopefully losing its hold on me but sometimes it’s hard to tell. I had to leave a lot of the story for me to go back and finish over the next couple days because it’s more emotionally taxing for me to produce and review a thoughtful representation of my grief and hardship than to spit it out how ever it comes out for someone.

Visited Mamaw & Papaw today earlier in December than expected since Papaw went into some kind of health decline. He recovered but who knows how long he’s got so we went to see him just in case. He’s a near empty shell of himself, not knowing anything about himself or his family, but his observing eyes remind me of the near human apes at the zoo. You can see some kind of thinking going on behind the eyes that almost stare through you, but no ability to communicate or know just how simple or complex. I was able to just be there with them. There wasn’t much to concentrate on, but my mind wasn’t jumping to the past or the future much either. I feel like I should be more sad and affected to watch them wither away. I’m not sure how much is because I’ve accepted that’s just the nature of where they are after a full life, or how much is because we have not been particularly close for a many number of year, if ever.

Late visit to the gym, in and out just before closing, but I made it happen and tried my first workout B which went much faster than yesterday’s first workout A which I’m already sore from. As long as I go alone, I don’t care what weight strangers see me lifting, but I would probably be insecure around people I know. Not that I think the number has anything to do with the effectiveness of the workout, I just should be more accepting and secure being where I am and know that I’m doing what’s best for me no matter who is around or what they might think.

I have a decent list of things I’m looking forward to completing tomorrow. I’m ready to get back to an early wake-up schedule to get through my morning routine with plenty of time to get a timely start on the day.

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