This morning was rough after not being able to fall asleep till 3 in the morning. I was calm, but just laid in bed trying to fall asleep and day dreaming instead of actual dreaming.

Had a visit with my therapist Leah on this balls-cold morning. I updated her on how I was able to make the concrete gesture of apology for who I was to Carly at the end of our relationship by getting to pay for her trip home for the holidays. Also shared some girl’s-weekend activities and stories about me trying to live in the single world but not really fitting into the common mold and confusing people.

We discussed the still lingering feelings of insecurity and inadequacy that probably have deeper roots since they’re being so stubborn. I think in large part, having someone I admired, and was stunningly beautiful, and comforting was a type of internal and external validation that shielded me from a lot of the insecurity and inadequacy that lived inside me before I met her. That was probably part of why I held on to her for so long. In part, I think that desire for validation also contributed to my extreme commitment to the “safe” community of friends I kept in undergrad. Never really branching out all on my own outside that bubble. Even after school, I just let my world shrink until all that was left was my job and my relationship. I have been a coward, not venturing out to really test myself in the world until I was personally in a very unhealthy and unprepared place, and turning my whole world upside down instead of growing into new things. Not wise.

I tend to choose to make things as hard as possible for myself, and then not give myself any slack. In my head I think I’m just holding myself to high standards which would be a good thing, when in fact I’m just subscribing to and reinforcing damaging thought patterns that just make me think less of myself, drain me, and hold me back. Of the list of about 8-10 common damaging thought patterns, I’m a regular offender of at least 8 or 9. That seems like rich ground to dig and I’m looking forward to making progress there.

After sputtering through my morning routine back home, taking my time, dancing and fussing with my Spotify playlist for about an hour, I think the time tracker helped me to get off my butt and cross some stuff off my list. I’m going to get real annoying as a broken record trying to push myself to make almost constant use of that tracker.

INSTEAD OF NAPPING, I made some good progress researching meal planning and listening to Spotify. Right in the middle of it, I was struck with the feeling of whether all the years we spent together were a waste for both of us. How much we kept either from really experiencing the world, growing up, and finding ourselves sooner. Leah and I discussed how relationships, however long they last, often teach people something and serve a purpose. That does help me with the feelings of guilt, but not really the insecurities I have about things I haven’t had to learn until only now. I especially feel “behind” in life at the moment, only now starting to learn what true independence is, and what it takes. I feel like a child, and not in the fun way, but in the weak and dependent way. Almost 30 and trying to learn how to plan ahead to feed myself in a disciplined way.

After getting some kind of handle and comfort with a 1 week grocery list and meal plan, I reluctantly moved on to finally getting myself a new phone after just 1 full year past being due for an upgrade. Maybe it worked out though since I was able to wait until the iphone 7 came out, and coincidentally, I got it for about half price. Now I get to see if I picked the wrong time to experiment with a switch from android to apple. Either way, the hardware will definitely be a huge upgrade so I’m confident I’ll be happier than with what I’ve been living with.

After the gym and some cleansing sauna time I was feeling pretty wrung-out in a good way. Got to help the little momma do some shopping online which was an adventure, and got some food in my belly so hopefully I’ll get to sleep easier tonight. Maybe tomorrow will be the day I finally get up with my alarm right away. Nope. Probably just jinxed it.