YESTERDAY – After debating and deciding not to make a weekend trip to Columbus, I decided to take a rest day from working out, and was going to take it easy and use the weekend to take care of final Christmas loose ends and maybe see that movie with Leah (not my therapist, my long time friend).

When the movie didn’t pan out and I had some heavy messages back and forth with Leah about her marriage and ways to help her husband with his emotional opportunities, I joined up with Rach, Matt, and Brit partially through the comedy show which was better than I expected. (Note to self – HavartiParty on Tumblr)

After the show I went solo to Village Tavern which was a great time. I made friends without managing to get a single person’s name, talked to people, bought shots for birthday people, even met some girls I liked but had no clue what I was doing. I danced my face off with dudes and chicks, went for some cool-downs outside, and slid around on the ice and sleet. I didn’t get home until after 2am and had zero interest in journaling then so this is a double post.

Although I didn’t have or know anyone, I think I managed to feel a very small and manageable amount of social anxiety and insecurity at a new place, making my own way. I am kinda proud of that.

TODAY – I slept until about noon from a combination of being up late, strenuous dance marathoning, and having drinks in me. After I got up I went through the full morning routine and felt pretty good by the end except so tired I just laid on the carpet feeling how nice and soft it is and drifting in and out of sleep.

Received some packages, went through my pile of therapy worksheets to see if/which I want to go back and take a fresh look at, set up the Christmas tree, ate some dinner, read some Power of Now, and watched a movie.

I have a surplus of resources to pull from with all the worksheets, the book, the meditation, and journaling. There’s a good amount of overlap and connection between them all, but it’s hard to hold my attention fully in the present while also trying to process the multiple sources of guidance that I’m trying to follow and listen to.

The book is very repetitive, but I need that because my mind so quickly and frequently takes me for a ride without me even noticing. We are getting to discussion of how not having my identity connected to outcomes or situations in the future is both a cause and effect of being in the only place I can be whole and complete, which is now and can never be in the past or the future. There is some strange language and I do feel like a weirdo using it, but it does make sense in it’s own way.

I can’t say I was overcome by any powerful emotions today. Some regret and living in the past of last night and how I should have gotten more peoples’ information, some guilt in the moment for drinking a little more than I should have which I didn’t overcome and wake up when I planned, some insecurity about the future as I’m able to see the momentary growth and I’m getting nervous about the ever-nearing prospect of going back to school or taking some other big step.

I think that last one is also why I’ve been resisting the present and not looking into what volunteering travel opportunity I could try out in January. I was imagining and living in a fantasy future where that was all I wanted to do, but now that I might be ready to try something like that, I’m dragging my feet like I don’t want to anymore. Am I scared of the time cost and the risk and the challenge to my new routine? Probably. Is there a part of me that wonders if I don’t really need or want that experience in reality anymore? I don’t know, maybe.

 

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