Got up earlier, but not fast enough. Really want to get my body trained to almost get up on it’s own early enough. After the routine, I worked on some music and made some teeny progress which I’ll take. Then thinking of my incoming phone I started poking around about the best iPhone apps for different purposes. Still have to get myself a new timelogger since none of my friggin apps ported over like they were supposed to through the transfer app.
Waiting for the phone was annoying and I didn’t think too hard for things to do around the house but I did a little reading of both Shantaram and The Power of Now. It is so, so easy to forget and loose touch and concentration with the present and get swept away by my imagination or memories.
In the car to and from the gym, a few songs took my mind to Carly spending time with other men and my jealousy flared up. In a way it triggered me to try to connect with the present, but even then it’s still not easy to maintain the concentration to stay there for long as emotions are pulling at my attention.
When I installed Instagram on my new phone the top of my feed was Libby’s post of Carly’s Christmas card. She was looking beautiful wearing clothes on the beach drinking straight out of a bottle of wine with the caption “2016: it’s been weird.” My emotions fired immediately with powerful feelings of missing her, and being attracted to her sense of humor and beauty, and admiring her strength to be out there on her own and holding her own agains similar difficulties that I crumbled under.
I just sent her a text to express my admiration of her strength and to apologize again for the role I played in making it a hard year. I wasn’t trying to initiate more conversation, I just felt expressing it would help to take the sting out of seeing her. She accepted my expression and there was more back and forth than I expected about how much I’ve some to see and appreciate things that I really regret not seeing and appreciating about her sooner. It was good to express and somewhat explain without justifying, but hard to hear her confirm my shortcomings and to know that there are likely more than I’m currently aware of.
As I work through other things, I also told her I’ll be asking later about where else I fell short because I don’t want to miss out on any lessons, and at very least she deserves that I learn to become the kind of man that she deserved me to be when I had her.
Acknowledge what happened. Accept that it cannot be changed. Forgive myself, and learn the lesson to move forward as a better, stronger person.