29th – Having gotten on the Holiday and Helmlinger family schedule, I skipped all other morning routines to make it to therapy just in time. We talked about holiday, family, and how I am similar and different from my father. We discussed the middle path of living in between extremes of apathy and obsession. I asked about the difference between being too hard on yourself, and holding yourself to a high standard and challenging yourself beyond mediocrity. I can’t remember exactly what she said but I think it came back to the ability to be present and accepting the outcome instead of punishing myself for failing to create the future I’m putting my identity in. We also got a little philosophical regarding virtue being what makes makes someone their best self. After discussing my lessons and history regarding preparing for a family, Leah asked why I felt I needed to do everything myself and if I trusted that my partner is preparing also. I had honestly never thought about that and it seems like a big oversight, but even now I know that she may or may not be in the same frame of mind that I’ve been and in many ways that’s probably a good thing if she’s living in the present more than the future.
After therapy, I picked up my new boots, which I’m hoping I picked the right size and I’m excited to break in so they can be perfectly molded to my feet and last a long, long time. I do really like having fewer, nicer things that are classic and will last a long time. I don’t really like having too much cheap and disposable stuff. I think I might try to get more comfortable spending my money figuring out what the most important areas to invest in are and starting to live the way I want to live now instead of always putting it off for later.
At home I listened to a few podcasts, tried to figure out why email wasn’t sending, and spent the majority of the day writing up the last three days worth of journaling and an additional post about what I learned watching Andrew and his family.
While I was watching a movie with Rach, I was reminded of Cullen and Arie, and how special the relationship between brother and sister that we have is. I felt happy and home to be spending time with her and having fun together.
I was hoping to meet up with Chelsea and maybe meet some of her friends, but instead, after going to a random bar due to miscommunication, I headed back to Village Tavern. It was definitely slower but I made some fun friends. Some I think I’ll end up seeing again, and some not. I did notice some attractive girls and talked to a couple, and they were nice and friendly back, but I didn’t feel any particular interest from their side. I still don’t know how much of the work I’m supposed to do in meeting people. Dancing was fun, but wearing the boots was a bad idea.
30th – I left my phone in the car the night before, not from drinking, just forgetfulness and I didn’t want to go back out into the cold at night. I didn’t really listen to my old phone’s alarm at all because in my sleepiness I told myself I didn’t respect that alarm like the one on my new phone. Any reason not to get up I guess.
After breakfast and getting back into yoga, I started making a highlight reel of myself from home videos on my phone to show Andrew how similar I was to Cullen. I realized I was a pretty boring and weird kid, running around and entertaining myself almost the whole time. It got me thinking a little about nature vs. nurture regarding who I was as a kid and who I am today. I wish everything was nurture so that it was possible to change anything about myself through experiences, but I know there are some true and inherent parts of my nature that I will not be able to change. I hope I can learn to appreciate and embrace those parts of me, if not at least accept them, and do the work to nurture myself to the best version of myself that’s possible.
I listened to podcasts around the house and when I got back to the gym. Back home I had a little time to mess with songs, and I chipped away at a couple songs before and after the movie.