turdpress kept failing to publish again…

Negotiated a later alarm time with myself in exchange for not laying around for as long as usual and it seemed to work to get me going earlier after the last few late nights of long journaling.

I almost forgot that I had a therapy session this morning until just in time to leave so I didn’t have time for yoga but did get to roll out on the lacrosse ball a bit which always sucks, then feels amazing, then quickly goes back to old man hips throughout the day.

In therapy we talked mostly about New Years activities, my recent obsession with getting all my digital and family photos organized somehow and the anxiety that it brought up for reasons discussed in yesterday’s journal entry.

We also spent a lot of time discussing the latest conversations with Carly regarding her realizing how much she’s held herself back in many ways in a lot of relationships out of her own fears of not being liked or loved for who she fully is. How she told me that I didn’t do anything wrong, but that I feel I probably could have done more right.

We also discussed Carly’s final addressing her thoughts on feeling ready to speak more openly and regularly and even see each other face to face if she didn’t live so far away. I don’t know if I was surprised or not by how the thought of it alone shook me a bit. I feel confident that there would automatically be a part of me that wants to hug her and hold her and kiss her again like we only broke up yesterday and everything else was just some sad, scary, lonely nightmare. I also know that we both have in fact changed quite a bit since we broke up so maybe the stronger part of me will feel comfortable restraining my instincts and be happy to see one of my best and oldest friends.

My main fear as that we will both feel very differently about each other. That one would feel that our growth and seeing the other in a new light has brought us closer together romantically, but that the other would feel that their growth had brought natural closure to the romantic part of our relationship. I am afraid of both hurting and getting hurt, but mostly I’m afraid of any situation where she ends up seeing me as less special to her than she is special to me, either romantically or otherwise.

We closed the session talking about how long it takes to really get over your first love, and if you ever truly do at all. I’ve been shocked and exhausted by how this journey never seems to end. We broke up 8 months ago, it’s hard to believe. It feels like so many things have happened but that no time has passed since the last night I saw her when we said goodbye. I know some people, Carly it seems maybe, are able and allow themselves to keep busy and distract themselves when they are dealing with things. I don’t know if I’m really capable of that. For me it either feels like unhealthy denial when I try to, and also that the truth is I think I stubbornly choose not to allow myself to get too distracted. To a degree I want to stare this pain in the face, to eyeball it up and down, to embrace it to honor and grieve the massive loss that it is. I’m sure I take it to an unhealthy degree where I punish myself with it and dwell in it longer than could serve any purpose except to punish myself even more as far as I possibly could. A lot of it is unhealthy punishment, but there is some reasoning that I just refuse not to learn everything I possibly can from this painful but unique opportunity and moment in life. I’m going to soak it all up and take it all in and see what it is and what it can do. Well it completely destroyed me within an inch of my life, but at the moment I do genuinely think that I will be stronger and learn more than if I was in more of a hurry to just forget about it.

I hit the gym near therapy and did everything I intended to do and felt like I got some real work in by the time I left. Which was good, but is also part of why I’m exhausted early tonight. It also got me thinking more about what it really means to “take care of myself,” how my body on it’s own can’t and won’t exercise itself, or feed itself well, or rest, or clean itself unless I make the decision to make those things a regular priority. I think part of the realization came from watching others working out in a way that they were sacrificing the struggle in order to treat their body well, like giving a pet you love plenty of caring attention and exercise. This also got me thinking more about the topic of how you can’t really take care of others well unless you take good care of yourself. I felt inspired by a desire to show my love and affection for friends and family by learning to cook and host and take care of them the way I would myself, but that requires the skills and energy of someone who is already loving and taking care of themselves.

When I got home, after my shower, I realized that the grocery shopping I was planning on doing didn’t really make sense if I was going to be in Columbus for the weekend. Then I realized going to Columbus for the weekend didn’t really make sense if I didn’t have a place to stay. Karl will be hosting family, but I’m really glad I thought of Scales. I almost didn’t even though he’s someone that I would really want to see, and now I’ll get to see him and Billy and the pups.

After I knew I’d be going up to see the girls also, I spent another hour and about $25 on ringtones alone to have the perfect girl’s group ringtones and found some other awesomely ridiculous ones that I couldn’t resist. I never thought I would be so excited about ringtones.

I almost forgot, but after checking, the photos from my phone were also finally updated on the photo cloud so I got to spend some time before and after dinner organizing and tagging everything on my computer and adding photos to contacts in my phone. I’m going to have the total package running on all the capabilities I care to use on these things. Once I’m done I’m not sure if I’ll be able to start making more progress on actual important work that needs to be done or if I’ll just find something else to distract myself with.

Now I’m going to make myself a cuppa sleepy time tea to drink while I do my gratitudes and self appreciation.

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