I kept waking up on the couch at Amanda’s and going back to sleep after re-situating with Chavi the pup who was doing a good job of keeping me warm and comfy. He was a good little snuggle buddy since I wasn’t successful with any of the girls I liked that night.

We didn’t really get moving until around 2pm so by the time we got out for some food it was already happy hour again which was a very strange feeling.

At one part during our breakfast/dinner I thought I saw Meaghan walk by outside. I ran out to say hi but when I passed her while she was turning into a shop I saw her face wasn’t Meaghan and I got scared off. As I was running away it registered just how gorgeous she was. Part of me wish I had stopped her so that I had an excuse to talk to her and see if she was nice, but I didn’t go back to check for her until she was already gone. Another hard lesson in talking to girls, it’s now or never so I hope next time I say something when you can so I don’t have to wonder “what if.”

Driving home I think I pretty much just tried to find music to listen to that helped time go by. I don’t remember really thinking too much on the drive except trying to remember all the things that had happened over the weekend. Jillian also messaged me about having the call we were supposed to have which reminded me that I was supposed to talk to Carly that night too so I was thinking about that too on the way home.

At home I finally got to shower after not really having much chance to over the weekend. It felt so good to get clean and get all comfy and settled to talk to Jillian and then Carly.

My convo with Jillian was nice. It was pretty heavy on my stuff but I told her I’d like to hear more about her soon. There was barely enough time to give her the story up to the point of coming home, but we were able to laugh together about how ridiculous my depression was able to do at a few points. I also tried to explain to her what it was like since she hadn’t really been able to relate when her brother had gone through similar difficulties.

Then Carly called. We spoke from about 8 to 11:30. Thankfully it wasn’t a very difficult conversation like some of the previous ones. We talked about how I’ve been doing an what I’ve been up to which got us on the topic of my new attempts at cooking. I used that as an opportunity to apologize for not doing more cooking for us when we were together. She told me how she adopted some of my really easy cooking habits since her emotions from her latest breakup give her a regular upset stomach and she didn’t care as much about taking time to cook. Now she makes hard boiled eggs like I used to and I make little muffin tin omelets which I learned because she used to. We found a couple other examples I can’t remember about how we’ve switched places in some of the things we used to do.

As we were wrapping up and saying goodnight, I decided to tell her some of the ways I felt about our last long, difficult call. I told her about how I know I did a lot of things wrong and it may seem like I’m coming to terms with it since I’m apologizing for them so much, but that it still really hurts if she makes seemingly harmless or joking references to how I sucked unless she has a real point in bringing it up for us to discuss. She seemed to be ok with that.

Then I told her about some of the less obvious ways that the last conversation affected me like just hearing about her new lifestyle and personal opinions. Her life seems so completely different than what I knew of her for so long that it’s a bit confusing and distressing emotionally to try to think about what that might mean. It makes me feel even more like I never really knew her at all.

I also told her I knew it’s not my place to ask or tell her how to live, and I don’t judge, but hearing about some of her meaningless encounters with men made me sad in some complicated ways. It wasn’t so much that she was with someone besides me, what bothered me was the possibility that she was giving such a precious thing to people who might not deserve such a gift. Essentially, I was just hoping that, if anyone, she would be sharing her beautiful self with men who were good people and deserved to be cared for in that way instead of rewarding manipulative, slimy guys for being terrible people.

It took a while to explain that to her that I didn’t know how she was meeting these guys or what they were like, but since I didn’t know, by feelings reacted to the whole range of possibilities based on what little I knew. I think she understood, but not really being able to know my thoughts, she said that I made her feel like a whore. I hope that the more I’ve explained, the more she understands that’s not what I think or how I would want her to feel. It’s exactly because I think she’s not one that I hope she’s not rewarding and getting too close to soulless man-whores instead of decent men.

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