Mon, 6th – Groggy in the morning from the long weekend, the day of sleep, and the sleeping pill, I worked on music for a while and made some progress I felt good about. I am feeling like I’m not quite as close to done as I’ve been thinking. As I get further and further the progress gets smaller and more detailed. There are also a few songs that I’m a little stuck on because they are about events from long ago and I’m trying to make them more energetic than is my natural strength. In the evening I got Dan on the phone to talk through my schedule to go out and record, and we also agreed to working on pre-production beforehand remotely so I’ve already sent him my word doc with the songs and I’m going to try to record and send him garageband demo tracks to get a feel and play around also. Got to speak with Lepsch after that convo and unfortunately he won’t be in NY at all while I’m there but it was still good to catch up a bit. Made tea and got back to reading The Power of Now which feels like the time is right to get back to after all the progress I at least feel like I’ve made with coming closer to terms with the reality of the past and current situation with Carly (spoke too soon?).
Tues, 7th – My therapy session with Leah was late enough in the morning that I was able to do some journaling (starting this very post I think). In session, I basically got her caught up on the last few weekends consisting of my date weekend with Rori where we did an escape room, the past weekend when I visited school, and in between where I went crazy and organized the house top-t0-bottom for over ten hours. After our session while I was sitting in my car with some coffee in the gym parking lot I did some research on the influence and affects that drugs can have on mental illness. I know overall drugs do more to accelerate mental illness than reduce it, but from my last experience on the Feb 3rd above, it felt like an exercise where I was able to learn better than previously to separate what was in my head and what was reality. Once home and washed up, I tried to record music for Dan but ended up just fighting with and updating my old iPad’s setup. I finally ordered some socks and undies I wanted to try and maybe stock up on later if I liked them. There was also a pretty feeble attempt to plan flights for the next few months, but I couldn’t really pull the trigger with some gaps in my plan that could screw things up.
Wed, 8th – Most of my day is covered HERE. In addition to that, I also spoke with Dean Fran in the morning and Alex Neumann about returning to school and about participating in some form of speaking program about mental health in school. The rest of my day consisted of reaching out to friends for support about the back-stabbing I’d found out about, taking a bath, drinking, and taking a cocktail of pills to make sure I would be completely unconscious through the night. Almost everyone I spoke with were incredibly supportive and sensitive to my situation, but Rachel and maybe a couple others (who have cheated) tried to explain how it happens or come up with ways that it could have been worse. That didn’t really feel like genuine support to me.
Thurs, 9th – The drugs and alcohol really did the trick. I was completely unconscious through night without even a shred of dreams to remember I don’t think. I was not in much of a hurry to do anything, and I was planning on getting back to the gym sometime but kept letting myself get distracted and was fine with that. Eventually I made it to the gym and booked my flights to Barcelona, Morocco, and back. Still have to lock down travel for my flight to NY for recording though. I’ll be leaving from that trip straight out of NY to Morocco so March is going t be a complete whirlwind. I am nervous and really hope we get all the recording done on my trip so I’ll be trying to work on music during the next couple weeks.