Anonyst Man

Bold Honesty



Journal: 02/10/17-02/12/17

Fri, 10th – Totally slacking on my time logging, I don’t have anything to remind me what I did during the day except for starting to completely wipe all connection to her from social media and my photos. Plenty happened that evening to remember though. I tried a highly rated Indian place for dinner and was joined by Mom & Scott, Rach & Matt, Brit, Leah & Steven, Gramma, Heather & Jeff, Doreen & Andrew, Rob & Anne. I got to sit between Leah and Gramma and had fun catching up with them. Gramma was very interested in my upcoming travel to Columbus, Chicago, NY, Barcelona, and Morocco. The more I think of it, the crazier it is, and the more I’m a little nervous able being prepared and having the energy for all of it. Gramma’s birthday card and her note (my featured image) is so awesome that I’m 100% sure that I’m going to get it as a tattoo, probably on my front ribs under the outside corner of my chest. After dinner, we all headed over to Village Tavern where Mike & Pon were ready for us. We started dancing and I noticed Gramma showed up and looked uncomfortable so I made sure she got a seat, that she knew where everyone was, and that someone was getting her her glass of wine. After a while she started to feel comfortable and I convinced Rob & Anne to join me on the floor by reminding them that Rob’s dancing was what first got Anne’s attention before they started dating. That worked and they were the wildest of the family on the floor while most of the others kept Gramma company and tended the bar. Leah, Pon, and I tore it up  and got all sweaty for the next few hours while I also made friends and danced with some new friends there. One was a girl named Hilary who when I first saw her she had her ams crossed so I went over, reached out for her hands, and she uncrossed them and gave them to me, and we danced a little. She started smiling and softened up and I thought she had a cuteness in her dimples and soft looking skin, but since I was there with friends and family, and there was something that just didn’t feel right enough, I didn’t really try to go anywhere with her. I’m not really sure when family left, the very end of the night started to get a little fuzzy. On the way home, Pon was apparently emotionally drunk and either saw Mike flirting or completely overreacted,  but was looking to me for some comfort and affection. I think because she was feeling the insecurity that comes with the turf and I was a man who she knew wouldn’t do anything inappropriate. I vaguely remember getting home and out of the car but that’s where the night ends for me.

Sat, 11th – First order of business was to find my phone which I knew was in the house thanks to the find my phone app. It turned out to be hiding under the pillows in my bed. For breakfast I whipped up some eggs and guac for me and the Momma. She was asking about my new cooking and my fresh salsa she really liked so I showed her by making it with her. I know I worked on some random stuff before my date with Rori, but nothing memorable enough I guess. After showering and getting ready, I was with her around 5:30 I think so we had a good amount of time before we were planning on skating. We ended up walking down to a park where people were ice skating, and then down to the river where we sat and swung on a swing. She helped me remember or realize that this is the last weekend living in Cincinnati and will only be back when visiting. On the walk back to start heading to our plans for the night, we took a detour to swing by a Hustler Hollywood store because she lived right by it and we had texted about any more interesting or adventurous things we’d tried and that it could be fun to look at together. We spent probably an hour and a half in there. To me it was a legitimate educational experience on the level of visiting a museum and examining artifacts from a large, and foreign world that was both ancient in it’s origins and raw needs, but futuristic in its technology and design. Every conceivable shape and tool for uses in different purposes and combinations. There were at least 10 times where I had to stare at something for an honest minute before it clicked to me how the product was intended to be used. The level of creativity and innovation was honestly mind-boggling. Once we’d seen everything, Rori made it real to me that she was willing to try anything I was curious to learn about first-hand and that this might be a rare opportunity. After probably another half-hour reconsidering everything I’d seen and the decision fatigue that comes with shopping for a wide variety of unfamiliar things as someone naturally very frugal, I had my little basket full and was ready to checkout. My little haul included drip candles that are made of a wax that peels off easily, handcuffs, little rubber cups that you can squeeze to suction anywhere on each other, some black rope for learning to tie each other up, and some rope accessories like a book that teaches basics and a little tickle tool to make sure make sure there isn’t any loss of circulation. Since that took longer than expected we had to head straight to our plans for the night, which was roller skating, immediately. The place was very interesting in that it looked like a castle, but on the inside it was like any rink I’d ever been to. It took a little time to adjust to the skates but we eventually both got comfortable and had a pretty good time. On the way home at around 10pm, I found out she hadn’t eaten since 10am. We tried to think of places open on the way home but ended up deciding that making spaghetti at her place was the fastest option that wouldn’t make her sensitive and already upset stomach even worse. After we’d eaten and she was feeling better we hung out on her couch drinking wine and talking and then started getting close. We decided to move to the bedroom where I nervously tried to think ahead about how and when to use the things I’d bought. Among the conventional things, we tried the candles first which was kinda scary but exciting, and the actual drips didn’t feel enjoyable but basically just burned me. We decided maybe I’d enjoy dripping on someone else more, but naturally being very afraid of hurting others, I didn’t really steer us there. Next we tried the little suction tubes. They didn’t really do much but they were fun to just play with and try different places on each other. Those were actually much more innocent and cute to play with than I expected and would easily use them again. I think the cute fun had us just enjoying each other so much that we didn’t get to the handcuffs or the work of ‘learning the ropes.’ I’m glad we stepped out of what was easy to try some new things and I’m looking forward to see how things go when we see each other again on Valentine’s Day.

Sun, 12th – Waking up with someone else is always so much better than alone. Rolling around, snuggling, being against each other, and helping each  other wake up probably lasted a half-hour. When she said she was hungry but didn’t want to ruin her brunch appetite so I suggested we dip the strawberries we bought at the grocery in chocolate like we’d planned on doing the night before. She introduced me to an amazingly easy microwavable little cup with chocolate which makes dipping anything in chocolate super easy. After a while of snacking and talking and holding onto each other in the kitchen, we ended up on her floor briefly since she had to be leaving for brunch. I kept my promise not to make her late and we headed out, said goodbye, and that we’d see each other in a couple days for Valentine’s and that I’d try to get my rope skills ready enough for some trial by then. I took a four hour nap shortly after getting home. Even after I woke up it took a while to get up, get some food and get a couple little things done. It was difficult, but I got myself to the gym for a short workout before they closed. Once back home, I worked on very slowly trying to get caught up on my journaling while being distracted by the Grammys and texting Dan about music.



Journal: 12/17/16

YESTERDAY – After debating and deciding not to make a weekend trip to Columbus, I decided to take a rest day from working out, and was going to take it easy and use the weekend to take care of final Christmas loose ends and maybe see that movie with Leah (not my therapist, my long time friend).

When the movie didn’t pan out and I had some heavy messages back and forth with Leah about her marriage and ways to help her husband with his emotional opportunities, I joined up with Rach, Matt, and Brit partially through the comedy show which was better than I expected. (Note to self – HavartiParty on Tumblr)

After the show I went solo to Village Tavern which was a great time. I made friends without managing to get a single person’s name, talked to people, bought shots for birthday people, even met some girls I liked but had no clue what I was doing. I danced my face off with dudes and chicks, went for some cool-downs outside, and slid around on the ice and sleet. I didn’t get home until after 2am and had zero interest in journaling then so this is a double post.

Although I didn’t have or know anyone, I think I managed to feel a very small and manageable amount of social anxiety and insecurity at a new place, making my own way. I am kinda proud of that.

TODAY – I slept until about noon from a combination of being up late, strenuous dance marathoning, and having drinks in me. After I got up I went through the full morning routine and felt pretty good by the end except so tired I just laid on the carpet feeling how nice and soft it is and drifting in and out of sleep.

Received some packages, went through my pile of therapy worksheets to see if/which I want to go back and take a fresh look at, set up the Christmas tree, ate some dinner, read some Power of Now, and watched a movie.

I have a surplus of resources to pull from with all the worksheets, the book, the meditation, and journaling. There’s a good amount of overlap and connection between them all, but it’s hard to hold my attention fully in the present while also trying to process the multiple sources of guidance that I’m trying to follow and listen to.

The book is very repetitive, but I need that because my mind so quickly and frequently takes me for a ride without me even noticing. We are getting to discussion of how not having my identity connected to outcomes or situations in the future is both a cause and effect of being in the only place I can be whole and complete, which is now and can never be in the past or the future. There is some strange language and I do feel like a weirdo using it, but it does make sense in it’s own way.

I can’t say I was overcome by any powerful emotions today. Some regret and living in the past of last night and how I should have gotten more peoples’ information, some guilt in the moment for drinking a little more than I should have which I didn’t overcome and wake up when I planned, some insecurity about the future as I’m able to see the momentary growth and I’m getting nervous about the ever-nearing prospect of going back to school or taking some other big step.

I think that last one is also why I’ve been resisting the present and not looking into what volunteering travel opportunity I could try out in January. I was imagining and living in a fantasy future where that was all I wanted to do, but now that I might be ready to try something like that, I’m dragging my feet like I don’t want to anymore. Am I scared of the time cost and the risk and the challenge to my new routine? Probably. Is there a part of me that wonders if I don’t really need or want that experience in reality anymore? I don’t know, maybe.


Create a free website or blog at

Up ↑