Search

Anonyst Man

Bold Honesty

Tag

friends

Journal: 02/10/17-02/12/17

Fri, 10th – Totally slacking on my time logging, I don’t have anything to remind me what I did during the day except for starting to completely wipe all connection to her from social media and my photos. Plenty happened that evening to remember though. I tried a highly rated Indian place for dinner and was joined by Mom & Scott, Rach & Matt, Brit, Leah & Steven, Gramma, Heather & Jeff, Doreen & Andrew, Rob & Anne. I got to sit between Leah and Gramma and had fun catching up with them. Gramma was very interested in my upcoming travel to Columbus, Chicago, NY, Barcelona, and Morocco. The more I think of it, the crazier it is, and the more I’m a little nervous able being prepared and having the energy for all of it. Gramma’s birthday card and her note (my featured image) is so awesome that I’m 100% sure that I’m going to get it as a tattoo, probably on my front ribs under the outside corner of my chest. After dinner, we all headed over to Village Tavern where Mike & Pon were ready for us. We started dancing and I noticed Gramma showed up and looked uncomfortable so I made sure she got a seat, that she knew where everyone was, and that someone was getting her her glass of wine. After a while she started to feel comfortable and I convinced Rob & Anne to join me on the floor by reminding them that Rob’s dancing was what first got Anne’s attention before they started dating. That worked and they were the wildest of the family on the floor while most of the others kept Gramma company and tended the bar. Leah, Pon, and I tore it up  and got all sweaty for the next few hours while I also made friends and danced with some new friends there. One was a girl named Hilary who when I first saw her she had her ams crossed so I went over, reached out for her hands, and she uncrossed them and gave them to me, and we danced a little. She started smiling and softened up and I thought she had a cuteness in her dimples and soft looking skin, but since I was there with friends and family, and there was something that just didn’t feel right enough, I didn’t really try to go anywhere with her. I’m not really sure when family left, the very end of the night started to get a little fuzzy. On the way home, Pon was apparently emotionally drunk and either saw Mike flirting or completely overreacted,  but was looking to me for some comfort and affection. I think because she was feeling the insecurity that comes with the turf and I was a man who she knew wouldn’t do anything inappropriate. I vaguely remember getting home and out of the car but that’s where the night ends for me.

Sat, 11th – First order of business was to find my phone which I knew was in the house thanks to the find my phone app. It turned out to be hiding under the pillows in my bed. For breakfast I whipped up some eggs and guac for me and the Momma. She was asking about my new cooking and my fresh salsa she really liked so I showed her by making it with her. I know I worked on some random stuff before my date with Rori, but nothing memorable enough I guess. After showering and getting ready, I was with her around 5:30 I think so we had a good amount of time before we were planning on skating. We ended up walking down to a park where people were ice skating, and then down to the river where we sat and swung on a swing. She helped me remember or realize that this is the last weekend living in Cincinnati and will only be back when visiting. On the walk back to start heading to our plans for the night, we took a detour to swing by a Hustler Hollywood store because she lived right by it and we had texted about any more interesting or adventurous things we’d tried and that it could be fun to look at together. We spent probably an hour and a half in there. To me it was a legitimate educational experience on the level of visiting a museum and examining artifacts from a large, and foreign world that was both ancient in it’s origins and raw needs, but futuristic in its technology and design. Every conceivable shape and tool for uses in different purposes and combinations. There were at least 10 times where I had to stare at something for an honest minute before it clicked to me how the product was intended to be used. The level of creativity and innovation was honestly mind-boggling. Once we’d seen everything, Rori made it real to me that she was willing to try anything I was curious to learn about first-hand and that this might be a rare opportunity. After probably another half-hour reconsidering everything I’d seen and the decision fatigue that comes with shopping for a wide variety of unfamiliar things as someone naturally very frugal, I had my little basket full and was ready to checkout. My little haul included drip candles that are made of a wax that peels off easily, handcuffs, little rubber cups that you can squeeze to suction anywhere on each other, some black rope for learning to tie each other up, and some rope accessories like a book that teaches basics and a little tickle tool to make sure make sure there isn’t any loss of circulation. Since that took longer than expected we had to head straight to our plans for the night, which was roller skating, immediately. The place was very interesting in that it looked like a castle, but on the inside it was like any rink I’d ever been to. It took a little time to adjust to the skates but we eventually both got comfortable and had a pretty good time. On the way home at around 10pm, I found out she hadn’t eaten since 10am. We tried to think of places open on the way home but ended up deciding that making spaghetti at her place was the fastest option that wouldn’t make her sensitive and already upset stomach even worse. After we’d eaten and she was feeling better we hung out on her couch drinking wine and talking and then started getting close. We decided to move to the bedroom where I nervously tried to think ahead about how and when to use the things I’d bought. Among the conventional things, we tried the candles first which was kinda scary but exciting, and the actual drips didn’t feel enjoyable but basically just burned me. We decided maybe I’d enjoy dripping on someone else more, but naturally being very afraid of hurting others, I didn’t really steer us there. Next we tried the little suction tubes. They didn’t really do much but they were fun to just play with and try different places on each other. Those were actually much more innocent and cute to play with than I expected and would easily use them again. I think the cute fun had us just enjoying each other so much that we didn’t get to the handcuffs or the work of ‘learning the ropes.’ I’m glad we stepped out of what was easy to try some new things and I’m looking forward to see how things go when we see each other again on Valentine’s Day.

Sun, 12th – Waking up with someone else is always so much better than alone. Rolling around, snuggling, being against each other, and helping each  other wake up probably lasted a half-hour. When she said she was hungry but didn’t want to ruin her brunch appetite so I suggested we dip the strawberries we bought at the grocery in chocolate like we’d planned on doing the night before. She introduced me to an amazingly easy microwavable little cup with chocolate which makes dipping anything in chocolate super easy. After a while of snacking and talking and holding onto each other in the kitchen, we ended up on her floor briefly since she had to be leaving for brunch. I kept my promise not to make her late and we headed out, said goodbye, and that we’d see each other in a couple days for Valentine’s and that I’d try to get my rope skills ready enough for some trial by then. I took a four hour nap shortly after getting home. Even after I woke up it took a while to get up, get some food and get a couple little things done. It was difficult, but I got myself to the gym for a short workout before they closed. Once back home, I worked on very slowly trying to get caught up on my journaling while being distracted by the Grammys and texting Dan about music.

 

Advertisements

Journal: 02/02/17-02/05/17

Thurs, 2nd – Anticipating the visit to Chicago for the weekend, I was able to get to the gym knowing it would probably be at least till the next week before I’d go again. I also got a well needed haircut knowing that it might nag at me while I was visiting to know how much I needed one. Before the actual driving, I did most of my packing, and went to pick up Henry since he’d be joining us. I lingered at Rachel’s a little longer than I needed to so I could get some quality time with Merle, and kinda Tux too. Henry’s ride to my place was pitiful because I wouldn’t let that spoiled brat climb all over me while I was driving like my sister does. He managed to bounce around, climbing on top of everything else and whining like a baby. I quickly finished up the rest of my packing and headed out with Rachel. I did all the driving, and listened to podcasts for maybe the first half before Rachel got restless and was desperate for conversation. She didn’t really have much obviously new or interesting stuff going on, so she made me do most of the talking. For the life of me, though, I can’t remember what I talked about. We got in without incident and in the end the drive was surprisingly easy.

As I got settled and informed groups of friends that I’d arrived, I got a call from Myah but it was Philana on the phone and she was jealous that I hadn’t told her right away. They were both at Myah’s so they came up and we hung out much longer than any of us expected as they asked and I told them about how I got myself into the condition and position to leave. I didn’t really get to give them all the updates since leaving, but they asked how I’m planning on maintaining my progress so we also just talked about self-care and therapy for a while. I also told them that I was hoping and planning to be back in spring and they were excited but trying not to get their hopes up since it wasn’t final. They had to get to bed so we said goodbye and I told them I’d keep them in the loop about where I am that weekend and updates about coming back.

Fri, 3rd – Something woke me up pretty early, around 7am. It might have been Sydney texting me about what time before 1pm would be best for me to catch up with her and talk about my idea for some kind of story event where I can get everything out there for everyone at once. She was very supportive and helpful, and was also very insightful and understanding about my experience even though she hadn’t had one quite the same but had other kinds of self-discovery.

After we’d caught up and talked organizing, back home seeing several things that I’d wanted to get in order last time I lived there whipped me into a frenzy of organizing like I had been doing back at the family house. I organized the book shelf, and sorted mail, straightened up a handful of things in the living room, moved the AC unit down into storage, threw out unnecessary stuff, and more. I got more done in almost two hours than I had been able to in two months last time I lived there. It was satisfying on it’s own to get done, but I also wondered how much of a sign to take it that I was in such bad shape before and am good enough now that things will be different and I am ready to come back.

Timing worked out that right after I’d cleaned and showered it was time to meet up with Liz for lunch. It was really good to see her. I don’t remember the finer points of our conversation, possibly because she didn’t ask about why I left. I did brush over it I think, but she didn’t really ask for any more details so I don’t think I really explained. We talked about my coming back, how she’s been, and how school and recruiting is going for her, and other light conversation like how she handles dating and single life. She headed off to a working meeting and I headed home where I ended up taking a solid 2-3 hour nap from only sleeping 4 hours.

It was hard to rip myself up and by the time I did, I only caught the last hour of the KWEST Trip Fair happy hour that was happening at school. Bundled up from the cold, I decided to keep my scarf up until I noticed Zack, Spencer, and Johnny in the corner. At first I just kinda meandered up by them and kinda lingered. Zack noticed me and he was the only one of them who knew I’d be in town, so I winked at him even though I wasn’t sure if he could tell it was me. When the others noticed me I slowly lowered the scarf and got to see the surprise on their face once they recognized me. Johnny gave me a hug and I gave one to Zack too. I can’t remember if I hugged spencer since he was wearing a grape costume that had him covered in little ballon-filled grapes. I told them that I was in for the weekend but that I was also planning to come back for spring, which excited them. Quasie walked by and I got to surprise him too. I decided to get myself a beer and see who else was around to surprise, so I raised my scarf and wandered into the crowd. On the way to the drink table, I bumped into Arjun, and on the way back saw Peter, Jane, Sonia, and Andrew. I made my way upstairs to find a few others that I knew were there and got to say hi to and hang out with Aalok, Lindsey, Nick, Jillian, Kyndrea, Inge, and Joe.

I’d already planned to have dinner with Aalok, so we headed out for that after the happy hour was over and were joined by Inge, Ajay who I got to meet, and then Nick and Jillian. Conversation was fun and light and crossed a variety of topics from introversion and extroversion to holistic medicine to recreational drugs and more.

We knew many people from happy hour had moved to Whiskey Thief, so most of us headed there to join up. One of the first people I saw there and got to sneak up on was Milan. He looked so stunned, and confused, and in utter disbelief to see me I couldn’t help but laugh as he gave me a big hug. I also saw and got to catch up with Griffin and Andrew some more. Everyone I saw was pretty consistent in letting me know that everyone was thinking of me and missed while I’ve been gone. I did a little walk-around and got to sort of catch up with Paige, Connor, and Jeff, then got to sneak up on and say hi to Diganto and John which was great to see them and catch up a bit and talk to the potential incoming students they were hosting. I also bumped into Sri and got to chat a bit about how things were. On my lap back around I found Aalok and the gang in a booth and we played with the candles on the table. When I turned I noticed Liz on the dance floor so I went to say hi, and Milan, who was getting pretty drunk by this point, grabbed my face and said that I was what home was. He also asked about my filling out from working out since he had an upcoming wedding that he’s preparing for. He gave me a nice feel and encouraged Liz to do the same so I let them have a few good squeezes of me and said that I’d had the luxury of time to get to gym almost every day for a couple months. Back at the booth, I rejoined and laid down on both Lindsey and Aalok and snuggled them for a while until we decided to join everyone who was heading to the next bar.

Aalok decided not to join us at Prairie Moon. I’m not sure if it was due to class work, or if he was tired from the social exhaustion as an introvert. At Prairie Moon I headed to the back and was further assaulted with love by Milan which I didn’t mind at all, but his lovely fiancé Cherie started to get him under control. By the bar I spotted G and got to talk to him for a while about banking recruiting and he told me about how he got an internship and introduced me to his closest recruiting buddy Nathalie. Eric Palmer joined for a while and then I started heading back towards the front to find Lindsey and the others I came with. On the way I got to surprise Megan who looked like she might cry a little bit when she saw me. It was like the face people in YouTube videos make when they’re surprised with a puppy. She’d evidently been very worried for me and was happy to hear that I’d be back soon. When I got to the front and found Lindsey she was with Elaine and Stephen who were dancing so I joined them. The lights came on and the bar started clearing out and we headed to Burger King for the only food available that late.

Nothing really happened at BK except eating and some of the usual silliness. That was probably my drunkest of the night so it’s a little fuzzy whether we had any real conversation mixed in there. After walking the others home to E2 and turning toward my place, G called and invited me over to Brandon’s apartment where I headed. I got to catch up with Jesse who jumped up and was excited to see me and had missed me even though she hadn’t known that I was on a full leave of absence. I gave her the short version of things and she didn’t have too many questions, but was encouraging about coming back. G had some serious talk with me in the kitchen, I think about how much he thinks I need to come back which I told him I was pretty confident in.

Hanging out on the couch put me pretty close to what was being passed around. I passed on the hard stuff but decided to give the soft stuff a try and see how I could handle myself. It took a while to kick in, but then I realized how long everything seemed to be taking, that my brain and my thoughts were moving at light speed but my body and my words weren’t able to keep up. I tried my best to simply observe how I felt and thought and was being affected. I focused on trying to focus on being able to describe what was happening. One of the first hurdles to get over was paranoia, which I wouldn’t have thought to use in previous experiences. How that felt was as if they were completely faking what they were doing, and that the night was all a setup for them to mock me because I wasn’t in on it while they pretended not to show that they were laughing at me. Trying to observe the slowing of time, I pulled out my phone and tried typing notes as fast as I could, but it took what seemed like a lifetime to even capture a handful of my lost thoughts. I felt lost. I felt I could only move so slow and everyone was so far away that I would never be able to reach them and they would not be able to go slow enough to understand me. Focusing back on the observation, I started noticing that it seemed my senses felt heightened. As I looked at the room, it was as if my entire field of vision was in complete focus at the same time. Objects in my peripheral were just as clear and I could give them the same amount of attention as what was right in front of me. I could sense and feel, and almost see the air in the room that is easy to forget. It was clear how everything is different kinds of matter swirling around each other, there are no empty spaces. I assume things wrapped up and I was herded towards home. I had to continually concentrate and remind myself what I was doing and where I was going and to remind my future self so that I wouldn’t get lost. Walking home felt like an epic journey. On the way, I hypothesized that perhaps some of my cognitive functions slowing down were caused by the disproportionate capacity being used up in my sensory processing. I felt like I could smell everything around me. I could taste the last 3 things I ate. I could hear how each sound was made up of the sum of many tiny sounds, vibrations, scratches. I could feel pressure changes in the air and could almost understand how it was a result of other bigger atmospheric changes.

I made it home by about 5am, exhausted from the journey. In the bathroom I took a picture of my red eyes, then I passed out, relieved to have survived, and wondering how I’d feel the next day.

Sat, 4th – I think I slept in till around 11. I probably did some little things around the house and to get ready for the day. Early in the afternoon, Zack and Andy came over and I showed them my place and hung out for a while until we decided to head out for brunch. I got to hear a little about how Andy’s wedding planning was coming, and Brooke even made a brief appearance. Afterwards, instead of doing anything too interesting, the three of us headed back to Andy’s apartment to kick back, drink beers, and watch a few hours of planet earth.

At some point, G invited me to go and pregame with the Pride group before they went down to boy’s town. I left Zack and Andy planning to join back up with them after the pregame and not go downtown. Rob was hosting so I got to see him and Oliver and meet a handful of new people who’s names I’m not 100% confident in at this point. I met Adam, who’s a second year MMM and we got on the topic of my leaving and his connection to a small group of students meeting to discuss their own issues with depression and anxiety. I also me Travis, but can’t remember what we discussed at Rob’s, although we did ride together downtown and got in a debate about how and when you can know and trust someone. So yes, I caved and decided to join the boy’s town adventure planning to move over to the DAK event where more people were. That never happened. Instead I spent my whole night out in boy’s town and had a lot of fun playing a very serious wingman for Allie, and getting apologized to by Travis for some reason. After Allie found someone on her own, which I was pretty disappointed about, I met some nice girls and was talking to one who I kinda locked onto. I’m pretty sure it was hearing that she just got out of a long term relationship and knowing we could relate to each other in a way that not everyone could. Things didn’t really go anywhere by the time everyone was leaving so we exchanged numbers I think because we’ve been texting. Next I knew we were back at Brandon’s again. This time my curiosity had already been satisfied, so I passed on everything I was offered. I got to hear a little bit about the downsides of being from a famous or recognized family. I got home again somehow and think it might have been around 5am again.

Sun, 5th – Rachel wanted to get home by early evening so I only slept 3 hours. As soon as we’d gotten ready with everything in the car I went straight into a four hour nap.I finished the final two hours of the drive, and again, almost as soon as I got home, I fell into a six hour nap. I woke up pretty disoriented and was afraid of throwing off my sleep cycle, so I did my best to make sure I could sleep through the night by making tea, reading, and taking a sleeping pill. It worked surprisingly well.

Journal: 02/13/17

Switching back over to individual day posts while getting caught up because this is getting out of hand.

Whipped myself up some fried egg with guac and fresh salsa for brekky after waking up at a reasonable hour and not spending a completely excessive amount of time in bed listening to music and coaxing myself up.

I spent basically all of the morning starting what will be the last song on my album in light of the true nature of the end of my relationship. There is a lot to it and a lot to remember but I think I got all, and if not I’m sure the rest will come to me. I am glad that I took some time away just because it would have been too exhausting to try to grind it out while it was still fresh. I don’t think any of my feelings have changed at all though, and I can’t see them changing any time soon.

It’s a lot. I’m not sure how I’m going to get everything that I have to say in its fullest yet densest, without creating a 10 minute song but if that’s what it takes to do it right I guess I shouldn’t worry about how long the average song is. This one isn’t the average song. Working on it made me realize that in order to continue my intention not to look back or give any more thought or attention to her at all anymore, I’ll never be able to play any of these songs again once they are completed and laid to rest. I think I’m still perfectly ok with that, and if anything, would rather just work on a forward-looking album instead. It might get awkward to have to turn any close friends or family down who may ask to hear me play live though.

While I would have preferred to make progress on my other existing songs, I couldn’t help but organize a little more and add to my notes for songs that would be in a second album. I’m trying not to think about that any further than taking down any thoughts or ideas as they come to me naturally. I still haven’t gotten a response from Dan about landing time, and also had the idea of having someone filming a little bit in the studio while we’re working. I’m thinking either Sean or maybe someone Dan knows.

My writing breaks consisted of finally sorting through (but not paying or calling about) my last batch of bills from the apartment in Chicago, eating, just playing some songs on my guitar, practicing a little rope work for tomorrow, reviewing email, and trying to register for Spring classes, and more eating. Although I wasn’t able to get registration completed for reasons beyond my control, I should be able to get it all done in R2 without any issue.

By the time I knew I couldn’t do any more about registration for the day, it was a little later than I felt comfortable with about going to the gym and getting my energy up since I wanted to go to sleep earlier and wake up earlier.

I texted my closest friends up at school and they were excited. I’m very excited, but nervous to the extent that is probably normal and that I should feel, but not much more or less.

We’re having a boy! His name is Lepsch Junior. They showed me his penis.

Throughout the day and evening, along with school friends, I also had conversation with Rori planning our date tomorrow, got to know Harper a little better, and messaged with Nathalie and Lisa. That is a lot of talking with different girls. I don’t think I feel weird about it thought for multiple reasons. First there wouldn’t be anything wrong with dating around even if I was. Second, I’m not even sure what my intentions are with half of them. Third, I’m only actually seeing one of them and we have established we are not in a relationship. It is kind of nice to feel ok and ready to start to get back out there as just another step towards putting things behind me and moving forward.

My brain is too tired to try to remember any more stuff. Night night.

Journal: 01/20/17

Among the normal things to take care of myself to get up and stretch and go to the gym, I spent a little time working on music since getting excited from my conversation with Dan the day before.

During the day I was still thinking I wanted to go to the charity cocktail party meetup. On late notice, I did see if anyone I knew in the area would want to join me at the meetup. After thoroughly striking out with a handful of people I decided I was still going anyways.

After being directed up from a couple guys at the main entrance of the building, I met Stacy who organizes the group collecting. She complimented my appearance and vocally told another girl that I was single. I figured that people met at these kinds of things, but I wasn’t quite expecting it to be so much of a brazen meat market. I think Stacy told me later that night that last year there were seven marriages that had resulted from the group, and about four anticipated this year.

I got my first drink and sat down next to a group of four friends who were also attending for the first time. A nice girl named Kate sat next to me and I got to talk with her for a little while too. A couple more drinks and snacks later they started playing quarters and I joined them. It was a fun game and other people kept joining in.

When the raffle was finally about to start I was persuaded to buy some tickets and ended up winning twice. I picked the two prizes left that contained the most alcohol: two bottles of wine and four beers. I didn’t need them and didn’t really want to have to take care of them so I decided to share them with anyone who wanted. A bunch of people accepted and I ended up making a handful of friends out of it. One was a guy named Brian, another was a girl named Rori, and I made friends with a girl named Bernadette and her boyfriend.

After the cocktail party was over, the group migrated to another place just down the street. I talked with Bernadette for a while about my story and that I would have liked to meet a nice, cute girl to be pretty innocently affectionate with. She thought about people in the group and tried to help me out which was nice, but the girls she liked for me weren’t there that night.

I went inside to refill some popcorn and ran into Kate again and got to talking with her more. She was nice, cute, smart, and the more we talked the more I thought she might be someone I wanted to cuddle with. Eventually I just told her that I thought I liked her and I don’t remember her immediate reaction but not long after someone new joined the area and she moved closer to the bar. I kind of took the change in proximity to mean that she wasn’t interested even though I thought we’d had good and lengthy conversation so I apologized if I made her uncomfortable. She told me I hadn’t and conversation did start up again a little but not long after she said she was heading outside.

Not long after I, ended up outside too and talked with my new friend Brian who seemed to develop a man-crush on me so we had fun and found out our 30th birthdays are 3 days apart next month. If schedules line up we talked about having a joint dirty-thirty party. We also talked with a guy who was in town on vacation from Lima, Ohio with his wife. I’d heard she was inside talking with my friend Rori and I was curious so I went in to meet them.

Rori was at a table kind of alone so I said hi and she showed me her new friend’s bag on the table which was from Hustler and contained some sort of attachment that makes it possible for one man to provide double penetration. I’m not sure which one goes where, I guess either way could work depending on your preference. Her new friend who I’ll call Jessica came back and we got to know each other a bit.

I went back outside again but can’t remember why and talked more with Brian. Not long after, Jessica came out also and reintroduced me to her husband. They got to talking about heading back to the hotel and the implications of that, and for some reason Jessica kept touching and putting her arms around my chest and back and telling her husband how much she liked me and was going to take me home tonight. I was pretty sure she was teasing him, but her commitment to touching me so much did make me a little uncomfortable about the situation.

After they left, Rori came out and when I told her what Jessica did to me we got in some weird, mostly playful I think, but confusing discussion and little disagreements. From the conversation I could tell that 1) she was kinda drunk and 2) she was someone who just liked to argue sometimes. She said she was cold after a while so I moved us by the outdoor heater where Brian joined us for a while until a homeless guy came over and asked for some food.

I agreed to walk him to get food and Rori volunteered to come with me. Once we got there the guy didn’t even want food but asked for a drink and some change. He seemed annoyed that I only had my card and left after he had his drink. Then it was just Rori and I. I gave her some pizza and we got to talking about how she was glad I got him food so she could come because she would help people like that more if she wasn’t a small girl alone at night.

We sat there for a while and I got to know her better, hearing about her job as a social worker with kids, and about her nephews that she’s in love with. Somehow we got on the topic of being able to say not to things so she tested and teased me by being flirty. Eventually that turned into us making out at this random cheap pizza place at around 3am. It felt good to hold hands with someone and really observe their hands’ shape and size and texture, to lean against them and feel the presence of their face just before kissing.

At some point it felt like time to go so I walked her back to her place and asked her if I was going to my car or if she wanted me to stay over. I told her that I would be happy just getting to keep kissing her the rest of the night and she agreed that’s where she wanted to draw the line and also warned about how messy her place was.

Inside her big high-ceilinged apartment I asked if she’d ever climbed on the walls that didn’t go all the way up to the ceiling. She said she always wanted to so we did. Unfortunately there wasn’t the kind of structure that you would trust to hold much weight like she was hoping to set some kind of nest up there. We got ready and climbed into bed.

I don’t know how long we were up talking and kissing and snuggling before we actually fell asleep. Having only touched her hands and jeans and face so far, when I was able to touch her arms and back and chest it was like my hands were hungry to constantly run up and down them to collect the incredible softness and warmth. There were moments where I was tempted and wanted a little more, but didn’t, and it was still exactly what I needed after being so long without expressing that kind of affection.

Journal: 01/18/17

Got a late start after a mentally exhausting day and staying up past bed time talking with Carly.

I skipped a lot of my morning routine and pretty much just ate and did a little stretching before getting back to wrapping up yesterday’s journal post. It feels really good knowing that after tonight I’ll be completely caught up on my daily journal posting. However, that means I can work on getting caught up on the 1-off blog posts that I haven’t completed to my satisfaction yet.

After messing around with my guitar and starting to get the new filing system labels set up, I got back to the gym after 4 days of missing and got to listen to some of the podcasts I like. A few of them reminded me of things Carly and I have talked about so I shared them with her. She had already texted me a couple times earlier and the huge increase of volume in our communication began making me wonder if we are getting a little too regularly involved with each other too fast. The last thing I would want is for one of us to get hurt again.

When I got home I decided to take another look and check to see if the emails I’d been waiting for had come through. Before I actually got to doing that I decided it was time to really start going to work cleaning up my school emails which had grown to almost ~1,000 unread from the neglect of being away on leave for depression. I deleted about 900 of them tonight so my goal is to get to complete inbox zero within the next couple days.

I also did reach back out to my contact at school and at the nonprofit organization that I have been meaning to stay in contact with which was nice to finally move on my to-do list.

This reminded me about all the files on my computer that were still not synced up with the cloud and in my photo library the way I wanted. Checked they were almost ready so I spent some time fiddling with my contact groups and then was able to get to work sorting and deleting photos and adding them in the albums I wanted. Now it’ll probably take a few days for those updates to save so I can move on.

I listened to some more podcasts and snacked in the kitchen while I cooked myself some salmon. After I ate I was feeling a little sick so I took come vitamins and made myself a cup of sleepy time tea and headed up to finally call and catch up with Joe.

Joe and I had quite a bit to catch up on and we still weren’t able to cover everything. He only had a couple big updates since school keeps him busy, but thankfully he’s feeling comfortable with his workload and routine and he’s been talking with a nice guy for a while now.

I updated him mostly on Carly stuff since there have been so many developments there since we last spoke. Coincidentally, Carly tried to call me on the other line while I was talking to him, but I told her I’d call her later. I also told him a little bit about music coming together which I think he was excited about and wants to hear sometime. He was happy to hear that I was able to handle things and get some closure, but he was also up the same question I had about making sure not to get too close to let either of us get hurt again.

When I called her back, Carly said she just had something quick to tell me. She told me that she wanted to tell me something nice because she knew that I could use it right now. She told me that she loves me and that I’m very important to her. I think this was essentially the same sentiment that I told her when we first got back in touch that she was such a huge and positive and important influence on my life that I would probably always love her. At least I think that she meant the same thing but I asked if she could describe it. She said she didn’t really know. I said I get that it’s complicated and she agreed. I thanked her for telling me and we hung up. I hope we’re not on track for one of us to get hurt like I was worried about. She did seem much happier on the phone to tell me this than she has been lately. Maybe it’s because it felt good to her to help me by telling me good things. I’m just not in a place to read into it so I’m not going to and I’ll have to talk with her about it more later.

Right as we were wrapping up, Kyndrea was calling on the other line. What a great night full of talking with friends. I gave her some of the same updates as Joe about getting back in contact and looking for things to accept and move on from, and feeling good about being able to help her and make amens in a way for how terrible I was at the end. She also encouraged me not to punish and be hard on myself so I told her what I’ve been learning about very long and deep seeded patterns that were hurting myself and those around me. I also got to hear a little about her unfortunate school disappointments and we also discussed general similarities we have when it comes to relationships. She asked about Arie and Cully too so I got an excuse to gush about them and follow-up our call by sending her some videos I have of them.

Now it’s bedtime. Goodnight.

Journal: 01/08/17

Ignoring my alarm at the Helmlingers after the late night for Scales’s birthday I’m not sure what time I actually got up. Arie had decided to sleep at her Grandma Marmi’s which I thought was pretty rude and inconsiderate since she’s the one who invited me over.

However, this was a rare chance for Cullen to get undivided quality time with me and I’d say he definitely took advantage of it. I think we played with trains first and built a decent sized though not really functional track. I think it was almost breakfast time by this point and Cullen walks in with a couple pairs of sunglasses and has me wear one of them in all kinds of different ways. We took a couple videos to see ourselves make faces.

Cullen just could not wait for me to be done so we could go play with the blocks next. He kept asking if I was done with my food yet then done with my tea yet again and again. I didn’t mind at all since he’s so cute and was a sign of how much he wanted to spend time with me since he could have played blocks with anyone else without waiting for me.

We build a pretty sweet castle if I do say so myself. We built it around a doll and Cullen wanted pictures with it. I think he wanted to reenforce the castle theme so before the pictures he ran into his sister’s room and came back with some kind of princess scepter thing and held it for the pictures. Once we captured the moment, he now wanted to switch to playing castle by dressing up. He kept bringing me different kinds of princess shoes from his sisters room which couldn’t reach past my big toe and felt like they’d break if I put my weight on them. He then decided that I was the King and he was the Queen and we did a little walk around the house before turning back into normal people again and he had me pull him around the house on a little plastic turtle.

All I can remember next is having a cup of tea while the family showered and got ready for the day. At one point little Cully was running around noodie holding his towel in the air and giggling. I tool my turn to shower and when I came out I decided that it was time for me to head home, but Arie had gotten back while I was showering.

I told her it was too bad that I didn’t get to see her this morning because she wasn’t home and both her and her brother latched onto my legs saying to stay just one more night. I was honored of course and tempted, but something in me was ready to get back home maybe to try to get closer to something resembling a normal week. I also knew I had a lot of cooking to do that would be thrown off if I didn’t get back in time to eat it that week. They took me to the ground and piled on top of me to keep me from leaving which made me feel so loved and happy, but I told them that I could come back soon. Arie pushed to know when and I told her maybe in a couple weekends from now.

The drive home started out just fine, but then fucking Bonnie Raitt had to go and ruin it with her song “I can’t make you love me.” Whenever I hear that god damn song all I can hear and see is Carly’s heart crying out to me over our years together and how she gave everything and would have done anything and I just couldn’t or wouldn’t do the same in return. I cried for the first time in a while thinking about how I wasn’t there for her and treated her so poorly.

I think the connection I made was that I also wasn’t there for or treating myself well at all because I was trying to be who I thought I should be and spending every ounce of myself towards an imaginary future. For years, and especially at school I was:

  1. Putting massive amounts of pressure on myself every day.
  2. Witholding and depriving and delaying so much of the rewards of my work that I developed fear and stress about spending any money on.
  3. Having an all-or-noting mindset. Not allowing or forgiving myself for any mistakes, and thinking and telling myself terrible things about myself if I did make any.
  4. Comparing myself to everyone around me, only seeing the strengths they had which I didn’t
  5. Probably more that I can’t think of right now

In short I was abusing myself terribly. One side of me was demanding, unreasonable, conditional, and abusive with what had once been the real me but had been beaten down into this overwhelmed, stressed, scared, lost, insecure, identity which eventually fully believed all the worst about itself that the abusive thoughts would tell it. I was killing myself, and eventually I broke myself, my spirit, my worth, my will to live,

If you saw a parent treating a child the way I was treating myself it would have been both heartbreaking and infuriating. I cried more thinking about it and wondering how many people I met in group therapy treat themselves similarly, and wondering if anyone else around me does also.

Something got me thinking of my trip back to school and if I’ll have some opportunity to tell my whole story. I immediately knew that there were parts of the story in my past that I would be ashamed of and want to avoid or minimize in sharing. Then I started thinking about how much our holding back from each other keeps us from really helping one another in times of need.

If we don’t own these problems and let them show, but keep them to ourselves, how are others and young ones going to recognize or feel safe enough to let their problems show to get the help they need? People like me don’t really get the help needed until after reaching the very end of our rope… otherwise the buildup of pain finds escalating outlets for relief through unhealthy attention seeking, isolation, substance abuse, workaholism, shopaholism, violence against themselves or others, reckless endangerment, suicide, homicide, mass killing, and probably even some if not many human atrocities. I don’t think anyone chooses to do these things for what they are. I think that there is so much repression from teaching and inability to find healthy outlets that pain builds up to the point of desperate and extreme behavior.

I know that is a relatively simplistic view, but after feeling the raw power of being completely under the control of my illness, how it possessed and enslaved me in another realm of consciousness, I believe there is enough power in these things to make it possible.

My conclusion was that if I ever get an opportunity to share my story with an audience of friends and loved ones at school I will not hold back, or hedge, but claim and own all the mistakes and weaknesses and flaws that I’ve recognized. I think that will be the most healthy for myself to not let those things influence me with shame, but also is the only way to really help others who may not recognize if they or anyone close to them is in a similar pattern.

Journal: 01/07/17

I slept in till maybe 11am after the 4am conversation with Carly laid out in detail here.

What I remember from the morning is that I was trying to debate whether or not to still go up to Columbus for Scales’s birthday or not.

I got a call from Adam Karl and I have him the down low on the long conversation with Carly and as always he was incredibly supportive and validating and encouraging regarding the parts of the conversation that were still weighing on me which was mostly 1) Finding out that she had been texting New Guy every day for the last month of our relationship and had developed feelings 2) How different her lifestyle and behavior seems to have become 3) Hearing more specifics about how I wasn’t there for her like I should have been and 4) some discussion we had about her exploration into casual rendezvous.

It was nice to receive his support and process a but more, but reliving the hard parts of the conversation wasn’t fun.

Towards the end of the conversation I got a facetime call on the other line from Andrew H. Just as I’d hoped, his kids were calling to invite me over to play and stay the night. Feeling stressed from the last night’s call I knew that was exactly what I needed so I accepted right away since I would also be able to use the trip to still go to Scales’s birthday.

It was early evening by the time I actually got up there. It took them a slow 5 seconds to give me hugs and warm right back up to me again. We played blocks and house and had dinner with another couple that they were friends with. Nice people but we didn’t talk much directly mostly because I knew the inevitable questions and wasn’t going to start them down that path unless they asked.

After dinner was more chilling and playing. Kyria’s 13yo brother Aiden and I ended up in a conversation about dating and he ended up asking a handful of questions about Carly which I answered fully. At one point he was interested enough to put down his phone and moved very close to kneel right at the side of the chair with his elbows propped up on the arm rest. I’m guessing he doesn’t often hear such vulnerability from adults very often.

Not long after I was on my way and met up with Scales and his friends for his birthday. I got to see Kyle and Shelby there, and meet Billy’s brother, and a cute friend of Scales’s who was of course in a relationship. Still, it’s nice to meet very sweet and very cute girls and allow myself to fully feel attraction towards them and explore how and why I feel differently towards different people.

There wasn’t a lot of really memorable or meaningful conversation, but it was just good to be there with Scales and celebrate him in a friendly and warm environment.

It was a bit of a juggle, but the party wound down in time for me to go meet Chelsea and her friends out. She barely reacted at all when I found here so I wasn’t sure if she actually wanted me there. I decided to assume the best, sat down, and we ended up striking a pretty good conversation about her interest in gambling. I gave her and her friends a ride home since I only had 2 drinks the whole night and then got back to the Helmlingers around 2:30 to crash.

Gratitudes: 12/26-28/16

I am grateful

  • for the friendships that I made and retained from living in the Ark
  • that JJ found someone who seems to be very good for him
  • for the love of beautiful children Arie and Cullen, who help me to appreciate the present and enjoy it
  • for my meaningful friendship with Whitney, and that it has already shown me that even better things for me are out there and waiting to be found, and maybe held on to
  • for the example of parenthood and family that Andrew and Kyria are, and the decisions they’ve made
  • nerf guns
  • costumes
  • increasingly easier ways to access music
  • for friends like Andrew who care about my spiritual identity and security and challenge me to evaluate it
  • for Stacy and her family, and how she tried to learn and get better as a more positive person, a more calm parent, and to deal with the things she may feel she missed out on from her own parents
  • for high quality food
  • for black tea with whipping cream, potentially my newly discovered go-to hot, caffeinated drink

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑