Search

Anonyst Man

Bold Honesty

Tag

going out

Journal: 02/10/17-02/12/17

Fri, 10th – Totally slacking on my time logging, I don’t have anything to remind me what I did during the day except for starting to completely wipe all connection to her from social media and my photos. Plenty happened that evening to remember though. I tried a highly rated Indian place for dinner and was joined by Mom & Scott, Rach & Matt, Brit, Leah & Steven, Gramma, Heather & Jeff, Doreen & Andrew, Rob & Anne. I got to sit between Leah and Gramma and had fun catching up with them. Gramma was very interested in my upcoming travel to Columbus, Chicago, NY, Barcelona, and Morocco. The more I think of it, the crazier it is, and the more I’m a little nervous able being prepared and having the energy for all of it. Gramma’s birthday card and her note (my featured image) is so awesome that I’m 100% sure that I’m going to get it as a tattoo, probably on my front ribs under the outside corner of my chest. After dinner, we all headed over to Village Tavern where Mike & Pon were ready for us. We started dancing and I noticed Gramma showed up and looked uncomfortable so I made sure she got a seat, that she knew where everyone was, and that someone was getting her her glass of wine. After a while she started to feel comfortable and I convinced Rob & Anne to join me on the floor by reminding them that Rob’s dancing was what first got Anne’s attention before they started dating. That worked and they were the wildest of the family on the floor while most of the others kept Gramma company and tended the bar. Leah, Pon, and I tore it up  and got all sweaty for the next few hours while I also made friends and danced with some new friends there. One was a girl named Hilary who when I first saw her she had her ams crossed so I went over, reached out for her hands, and she uncrossed them and gave them to me, and we danced a little. She started smiling and softened up and I thought she had a cuteness in her dimples and soft looking skin, but since I was there with friends and family, and there was something that just didn’t feel right enough, I didn’t really try to go anywhere with her. I’m not really sure when family left, the very end of the night started to get a little fuzzy. On the way home, Pon was apparently emotionally drunk and either saw Mike flirting or completely overreacted,  but was looking to me for some comfort and affection. I think because she was feeling the insecurity that comes with the turf and I was a man who she knew wouldn’t do anything inappropriate. I vaguely remember getting home and out of the car but that’s where the night ends for me.

Sat, 11th – First order of business was to find my phone which I knew was in the house thanks to the find my phone app. It turned out to be hiding under the pillows in my bed. For breakfast I whipped up some eggs and guac for me and the Momma. She was asking about my new cooking and my fresh salsa she really liked so I showed her by making it with her. I know I worked on some random stuff before my date with Rori, but nothing memorable enough I guess. After showering and getting ready, I was with her around 5:30 I think so we had a good amount of time before we were planning on skating. We ended up walking down to a park where people were ice skating, and then down to the river where we sat and swung on a swing. She helped me remember or realize that this is the last weekend living in Cincinnati and will only be back when visiting. On the walk back to start heading to our plans for the night, we took a detour to swing by a Hustler Hollywood store because she lived right by it and we had texted about any more interesting or adventurous things we’d tried and that it could be fun to look at together. We spent probably an hour and a half in there. To me it was a legitimate educational experience on the level of visiting a museum and examining artifacts from a large, and foreign world that was both ancient in it’s origins and raw needs, but futuristic in its technology and design. Every conceivable shape and tool for uses in different purposes and combinations. There were at least 10 times where I had to stare at something for an honest minute before it clicked to me how the product was intended to be used. The level of creativity and innovation was honestly mind-boggling. Once we’d seen everything, Rori made it real to me that she was willing to try anything I was curious to learn about first-hand and that this might be a rare opportunity. After probably another half-hour reconsidering everything I’d seen and the decision fatigue that comes with shopping for a wide variety of unfamiliar things as someone naturally very frugal, I had my little basket full and was ready to checkout. My little haul included drip candles that are made of a wax that peels off easily, handcuffs, little rubber cups that you can squeeze to suction anywhere on each other, some black rope for learning to tie each other up, and some rope accessories like a book that teaches basics and a little tickle tool to make sure make sure there isn’t any loss of circulation. Since that took longer than expected we had to head straight to our plans for the night, which was roller skating, immediately. The place was very interesting in that it looked like a castle, but on the inside it was like any rink I’d ever been to. It took a little time to adjust to the skates but we eventually both got comfortable and had a pretty good time. On the way home at around 10pm, I found out she hadn’t eaten since 10am. We tried to think of places open on the way home but ended up deciding that making spaghetti at her place was the fastest option that wouldn’t make her sensitive and already upset stomach even worse. After we’d eaten and she was feeling better we hung out on her couch drinking wine and talking and then started getting close. We decided to move to the bedroom where I nervously tried to think ahead about how and when to use the things I’d bought. Among the conventional things, we tried the candles first which was kinda scary but exciting, and the actual drips didn’t feel enjoyable but basically just burned me. We decided maybe I’d enjoy dripping on someone else more, but naturally being very afraid of hurting others, I didn’t really steer us there. Next we tried the little suction tubes. They didn’t really do much but they were fun to just play with and try different places on each other. Those were actually much more innocent and cute to play with than I expected and would easily use them again. I think the cute fun had us just enjoying each other so much that we didn’t get to the handcuffs or the work of ‘learning the ropes.’ I’m glad we stepped out of what was easy to try some new things and I’m looking forward to see how things go when we see each other again on Valentine’s Day.

Sun, 12th – Waking up with someone else is always so much better than alone. Rolling around, snuggling, being against each other, and helping each  other wake up probably lasted a half-hour. When she said she was hungry but didn’t want to ruin her brunch appetite so I suggested we dip the strawberries we bought at the grocery in chocolate like we’d planned on doing the night before. She introduced me to an amazingly easy microwavable little cup with chocolate which makes dipping anything in chocolate super easy. After a while of snacking and talking and holding onto each other in the kitchen, we ended up on her floor briefly since she had to be leaving for brunch. I kept my promise not to make her late and we headed out, said goodbye, and that we’d see each other in a couple days for Valentine’s and that I’d try to get my rope skills ready enough for some trial by then. I took a four hour nap shortly after getting home. Even after I woke up it took a while to get up, get some food and get a couple little things done. It was difficult, but I got myself to the gym for a short workout before they closed. Once back home, I worked on very slowly trying to get caught up on my journaling while being distracted by the Grammys and texting Dan about music.

 

Advertisements

Journal: 02/02/17-02/05/17

Thurs, 2nd – Anticipating the visit to Chicago for the weekend, I was able to get to the gym knowing it would probably be at least till the next week before I’d go again. I also got a well needed haircut knowing that it might nag at me while I was visiting to know how much I needed one. Before the actual driving, I did most of my packing, and went to pick up Henry since he’d be joining us. I lingered at Rachel’s a little longer than I needed to so I could get some quality time with Merle, and kinda Tux too. Henry’s ride to my place was pitiful because I wouldn’t let that spoiled brat climb all over me while I was driving like my sister does. He managed to bounce around, climbing on top of everything else and whining like a baby. I quickly finished up the rest of my packing and headed out with Rachel. I did all the driving, and listened to podcasts for maybe the first half before Rachel got restless and was desperate for conversation. She didn’t really have much obviously new or interesting stuff going on, so she made me do most of the talking. For the life of me, though, I can’t remember what I talked about. We got in without incident and in the end the drive was surprisingly easy.

As I got settled and informed groups of friends that I’d arrived, I got a call from Myah but it was Philana on the phone and she was jealous that I hadn’t told her right away. They were both at Myah’s so they came up and we hung out much longer than any of us expected as they asked and I told them about how I got myself into the condition and position to leave. I didn’t really get to give them all the updates since leaving, but they asked how I’m planning on maintaining my progress so we also just talked about self-care and therapy for a while. I also told them that I was hoping and planning to be back in spring and they were excited but trying not to get their hopes up since it wasn’t final. They had to get to bed so we said goodbye and I told them I’d keep them in the loop about where I am that weekend and updates about coming back.

Fri, 3rd – Something woke me up pretty early, around 7am. It might have been Sydney texting me about what time before 1pm would be best for me to catch up with her and talk about my idea for some kind of story event where I can get everything out there for everyone at once. She was very supportive and helpful, and was also very insightful and understanding about my experience even though she hadn’t had one quite the same but had other kinds of self-discovery.

After we’d caught up and talked organizing, back home seeing several things that I’d wanted to get in order last time I lived there whipped me into a frenzy of organizing like I had been doing back at the family house. I organized the book shelf, and sorted mail, straightened up a handful of things in the living room, moved the AC unit down into storage, threw out unnecessary stuff, and more. I got more done in almost two hours than I had been able to in two months last time I lived there. It was satisfying on it’s own to get done, but I also wondered how much of a sign to take it that I was in such bad shape before and am good enough now that things will be different and I am ready to come back.

Timing worked out that right after I’d cleaned and showered it was time to meet up with Liz for lunch. It was really good to see her. I don’t remember the finer points of our conversation, possibly because she didn’t ask about why I left. I did brush over it I think, but she didn’t really ask for any more details so I don’t think I really explained. We talked about my coming back, how she’s been, and how school and recruiting is going for her, and other light conversation like how she handles dating and single life. She headed off to a working meeting and I headed home where I ended up taking a solid 2-3 hour nap from only sleeping 4 hours.

It was hard to rip myself up and by the time I did, I only caught the last hour of the KWEST Trip Fair happy hour that was happening at school. Bundled up from the cold, I decided to keep my scarf up until I noticed Zack, Spencer, and Johnny in the corner. At first I just kinda meandered up by them and kinda lingered. Zack noticed me and he was the only one of them who knew I’d be in town, so I winked at him even though I wasn’t sure if he could tell it was me. When the others noticed me I slowly lowered the scarf and got to see the surprise on their face once they recognized me. Johnny gave me a hug and I gave one to Zack too. I can’t remember if I hugged spencer since he was wearing a grape costume that had him covered in little ballon-filled grapes. I told them that I was in for the weekend but that I was also planning to come back for spring, which excited them. Quasie walked by and I got to surprise him too. I decided to get myself a beer and see who else was around to surprise, so I raised my scarf and wandered into the crowd. On the way to the drink table, I bumped into Arjun, and on the way back saw Peter, Jane, Sonia, and Andrew. I made my way upstairs to find a few others that I knew were there and got to say hi to and hang out with Aalok, Lindsey, Nick, Jillian, Kyndrea, Inge, and Joe.

I’d already planned to have dinner with Aalok, so we headed out for that after the happy hour was over and were joined by Inge, Ajay who I got to meet, and then Nick and Jillian. Conversation was fun and light and crossed a variety of topics from introversion and extroversion to holistic medicine to recreational drugs and more.

We knew many people from happy hour had moved to Whiskey Thief, so most of us headed there to join up. One of the first people I saw there and got to sneak up on was Milan. He looked so stunned, and confused, and in utter disbelief to see me I couldn’t help but laugh as he gave me a big hug. I also saw and got to catch up with Griffin and Andrew some more. Everyone I saw was pretty consistent in letting me know that everyone was thinking of me and missed while I’ve been gone. I did a little walk-around and got to sort of catch up with Paige, Connor, and Jeff, then got to sneak up on and say hi to Diganto and John which was great to see them and catch up a bit and talk to the potential incoming students they were hosting. I also bumped into Sri and got to chat a bit about how things were. On my lap back around I found Aalok and the gang in a booth and we played with the candles on the table. When I turned I noticed Liz on the dance floor so I went to say hi, and Milan, who was getting pretty drunk by this point, grabbed my face and said that I was what home was. He also asked about my filling out from working out since he had an upcoming wedding that he’s preparing for. He gave me a nice feel and encouraged Liz to do the same so I let them have a few good squeezes of me and said that I’d had the luxury of time to get to gym almost every day for a couple months. Back at the booth, I rejoined and laid down on both Lindsey and Aalok and snuggled them for a while until we decided to join everyone who was heading to the next bar.

Aalok decided not to join us at Prairie Moon. I’m not sure if it was due to class work, or if he was tired from the social exhaustion as an introvert. At Prairie Moon I headed to the back and was further assaulted with love by Milan which I didn’t mind at all, but his lovely fiancé Cherie started to get him under control. By the bar I spotted G and got to talk to him for a while about banking recruiting and he told me about how he got an internship and introduced me to his closest recruiting buddy Nathalie. Eric Palmer joined for a while and then I started heading back towards the front to find Lindsey and the others I came with. On the way I got to surprise Megan who looked like she might cry a little bit when she saw me. It was like the face people in YouTube videos make when they’re surprised with a puppy. She’d evidently been very worried for me and was happy to hear that I’d be back soon. When I got to the front and found Lindsey she was with Elaine and Stephen who were dancing so I joined them. The lights came on and the bar started clearing out and we headed to Burger King for the only food available that late.

Nothing really happened at BK except eating and some of the usual silliness. That was probably my drunkest of the night so it’s a little fuzzy whether we had any real conversation mixed in there. After walking the others home to E2 and turning toward my place, G called and invited me over to Brandon’s apartment where I headed. I got to catch up with Jesse who jumped up and was excited to see me and had missed me even though she hadn’t known that I was on a full leave of absence. I gave her the short version of things and she didn’t have too many questions, but was encouraging about coming back. G had some serious talk with me in the kitchen, I think about how much he thinks I need to come back which I told him I was pretty confident in.

Hanging out on the couch put me pretty close to what was being passed around. I passed on the hard stuff but decided to give the soft stuff a try and see how I could handle myself. It took a while to kick in, but then I realized how long everything seemed to be taking, that my brain and my thoughts were moving at light speed but my body and my words weren’t able to keep up. I tried my best to simply observe how I felt and thought and was being affected. I focused on trying to focus on being able to describe what was happening. One of the first hurdles to get over was paranoia, which I wouldn’t have thought to use in previous experiences. How that felt was as if they were completely faking what they were doing, and that the night was all a setup for them to mock me because I wasn’t in on it while they pretended not to show that they were laughing at me. Trying to observe the slowing of time, I pulled out my phone and tried typing notes as fast as I could, but it took what seemed like a lifetime to even capture a handful of my lost thoughts. I felt lost. I felt I could only move so slow and everyone was so far away that I would never be able to reach them and they would not be able to go slow enough to understand me. Focusing back on the observation, I started noticing that it seemed my senses felt heightened. As I looked at the room, it was as if my entire field of vision was in complete focus at the same time. Objects in my peripheral were just as clear and I could give them the same amount of attention as what was right in front of me. I could sense and feel, and almost see the air in the room that is easy to forget. It was clear how everything is different kinds of matter swirling around each other, there are no empty spaces. I assume things wrapped up and I was herded towards home. I had to continually concentrate and remind myself what I was doing and where I was going and to remind my future self so that I wouldn’t get lost. Walking home felt like an epic journey. On the way, I hypothesized that perhaps some of my cognitive functions slowing down were caused by the disproportionate capacity being used up in my sensory processing. I felt like I could smell everything around me. I could taste the last 3 things I ate. I could hear how each sound was made up of the sum of many tiny sounds, vibrations, scratches. I could feel pressure changes in the air and could almost understand how it was a result of other bigger atmospheric changes.

I made it home by about 5am, exhausted from the journey. In the bathroom I took a picture of my red eyes, then I passed out, relieved to have survived, and wondering how I’d feel the next day.

Sat, 4th – I think I slept in till around 11. I probably did some little things around the house and to get ready for the day. Early in the afternoon, Zack and Andy came over and I showed them my place and hung out for a while until we decided to head out for brunch. I got to hear a little about how Andy’s wedding planning was coming, and Brooke even made a brief appearance. Afterwards, instead of doing anything too interesting, the three of us headed back to Andy’s apartment to kick back, drink beers, and watch a few hours of planet earth.

At some point, G invited me to go and pregame with the Pride group before they went down to boy’s town. I left Zack and Andy planning to join back up with them after the pregame and not go downtown. Rob was hosting so I got to see him and Oliver and meet a handful of new people who’s names I’m not 100% confident in at this point. I met Adam, who’s a second year MMM and we got on the topic of my leaving and his connection to a small group of students meeting to discuss their own issues with depression and anxiety. I also me Travis, but can’t remember what we discussed at Rob’s, although we did ride together downtown and got in a debate about how and when you can know and trust someone. So yes, I caved and decided to join the boy’s town adventure planning to move over to the DAK event where more people were. That never happened. Instead I spent my whole night out in boy’s town and had a lot of fun playing a very serious wingman for Allie, and getting apologized to by Travis for some reason. After Allie found someone on her own, which I was pretty disappointed about, I met some nice girls and was talking to one who I kinda locked onto. I’m pretty sure it was hearing that she just got out of a long term relationship and knowing we could relate to each other in a way that not everyone could. Things didn’t really go anywhere by the time everyone was leaving so we exchanged numbers I think because we’ve been texting. Next I knew we were back at Brandon’s again. This time my curiosity had already been satisfied, so I passed on everything I was offered. I got to hear a little bit about the downsides of being from a famous or recognized family. I got home again somehow and think it might have been around 5am again.

Sun, 5th – Rachel wanted to get home by early evening so I only slept 3 hours. As soon as we’d gotten ready with everything in the car I went straight into a four hour nap.I finished the final two hours of the drive, and again, almost as soon as I got home, I fell into a six hour nap. I woke up pretty disoriented and was afraid of throwing off my sleep cycle, so I did my best to make sure I could sleep through the night by making tea, reading, and taking a sleeping pill. It worked surprisingly well.

Journal: 01/20/17

Among the normal things to take care of myself to get up and stretch and go to the gym, I spent a little time working on music since getting excited from my conversation with Dan the day before.

During the day I was still thinking I wanted to go to the charity cocktail party meetup. On late notice, I did see if anyone I knew in the area would want to join me at the meetup. After thoroughly striking out with a handful of people I decided I was still going anyways.

After being directed up from a couple guys at the main entrance of the building, I met Stacy who organizes the group collecting. She complimented my appearance and vocally told another girl that I was single. I figured that people met at these kinds of things, but I wasn’t quite expecting it to be so much of a brazen meat market. I think Stacy told me later that night that last year there were seven marriages that had resulted from the group, and about four anticipated this year.

I got my first drink and sat down next to a group of four friends who were also attending for the first time. A nice girl named Kate sat next to me and I got to talk with her for a little while too. A couple more drinks and snacks later they started playing quarters and I joined them. It was a fun game and other people kept joining in.

When the raffle was finally about to start I was persuaded to buy some tickets and ended up winning twice. I picked the two prizes left that contained the most alcohol: two bottles of wine and four beers. I didn’t need them and didn’t really want to have to take care of them so I decided to share them with anyone who wanted. A bunch of people accepted and I ended up making a handful of friends out of it. One was a guy named Brian, another was a girl named Rori, and I made friends with a girl named Bernadette and her boyfriend.

After the cocktail party was over, the group migrated to another place just down the street. I talked with Bernadette for a while about my story and that I would have liked to meet a nice, cute girl to be pretty innocently affectionate with. She thought about people in the group and tried to help me out which was nice, but the girls she liked for me weren’t there that night.

I went inside to refill some popcorn and ran into Kate again and got to talking with her more. She was nice, cute, smart, and the more we talked the more I thought she might be someone I wanted to cuddle with. Eventually I just told her that I thought I liked her and I don’t remember her immediate reaction but not long after someone new joined the area and she moved closer to the bar. I kind of took the change in proximity to mean that she wasn’t interested even though I thought we’d had good and lengthy conversation so I apologized if I made her uncomfortable. She told me I hadn’t and conversation did start up again a little but not long after she said she was heading outside.

Not long after I, ended up outside too and talked with my new friend Brian who seemed to develop a man-crush on me so we had fun and found out our 30th birthdays are 3 days apart next month. If schedules line up we talked about having a joint dirty-thirty party. We also talked with a guy who was in town on vacation from Lima, Ohio with his wife. I’d heard she was inside talking with my friend Rori and I was curious so I went in to meet them.

Rori was at a table kind of alone so I said hi and she showed me her new friend’s bag on the table which was from Hustler and contained some sort of attachment that makes it possible for one man to provide double penetration. I’m not sure which one goes where, I guess either way could work depending on your preference. Her new friend who I’ll call Jessica came back and we got to know each other a bit.

I went back outside again but can’t remember why and talked more with Brian. Not long after, Jessica came out also and reintroduced me to her husband. They got to talking about heading back to the hotel and the implications of that, and for some reason Jessica kept touching and putting her arms around my chest and back and telling her husband how much she liked me and was going to take me home tonight. I was pretty sure she was teasing him, but her commitment to touching me so much did make me a little uncomfortable about the situation.

After they left, Rori came out and when I told her what Jessica did to me we got in some weird, mostly playful I think, but confusing discussion and little disagreements. From the conversation I could tell that 1) she was kinda drunk and 2) she was someone who just liked to argue sometimes. She said she was cold after a while so I moved us by the outdoor heater where Brian joined us for a while until a homeless guy came over and asked for some food.

I agreed to walk him to get food and Rori volunteered to come with me. Once we got there the guy didn’t even want food but asked for a drink and some change. He seemed annoyed that I only had my card and left after he had his drink. Then it was just Rori and I. I gave her some pizza and we got to talking about how she was glad I got him food so she could come because she would help people like that more if she wasn’t a small girl alone at night.

We sat there for a while and I got to know her better, hearing about her job as a social worker with kids, and about her nephews that she’s in love with. Somehow we got on the topic of being able to say not to things so she tested and teased me by being flirty. Eventually that turned into us making out at this random cheap pizza place at around 3am. It felt good to hold hands with someone and really observe their hands’ shape and size and texture, to lean against them and feel the presence of their face just before kissing.

At some point it felt like time to go so I walked her back to her place and asked her if I was going to my car or if she wanted me to stay over. I told her that I would be happy just getting to keep kissing her the rest of the night and she agreed that’s where she wanted to draw the line and also warned about how messy her place was.

Inside her big high-ceilinged apartment I asked if she’d ever climbed on the walls that didn’t go all the way up to the ceiling. She said she always wanted to so we did. Unfortunately there wasn’t the kind of structure that you would trust to hold much weight like she was hoping to set some kind of nest up there. We got ready and climbed into bed.

I don’t know how long we were up talking and kissing and snuggling before we actually fell asleep. Having only touched her hands and jeans and face so far, when I was able to touch her arms and back and chest it was like my hands were hungry to constantly run up and down them to collect the incredible softness and warmth. There were moments where I was tempted and wanted a little more, but didn’t, and it was still exactly what I needed after being so long without expressing that kind of affection.

Journal: 01/15/17

I woke up to one of my favorite new sounds: the kids were awake and their little feet were pitter-pattering on the floor while they were giggling and running to attack me on the couch.

I wasn’t sure if I was going to join them at church since I was a little concerned about getting home to cook and stay on my meal plan schedule. While I mulled it over I play with the kids on the floor with a puzzle.  As they were heading out I decided to join them and squeezed between the kids’ car seats in the van.

They decided to go to a church that met in the high school that I used to volunteer at through most of college. It was strange to be back on those grounds after all this time and remember some of the times I spent there with kids and the people I met. Aside from Carly, I haven’t kept touch with anyone else who attended or volunteered at that school with me so that was a bit strange to think about.

It took us a while to get the kids signed in and checked like they were a couple of coats. We did go back with them and try to get them comfortable with the little classrooms with all different ages of kids. While their parents were taking them in and I was happily observing the craziness of all the kids playing or just being herded around I spoke with a woman who was familiar with the work I did and the people I worked with.

Eventually we gave up on the kids getting comfortable since they were still clinging to their parents after a while and took them into the service. It was kind of surprising to see how bashful Arie quickly got around strangers since she was usually so in command at home. They stayed pretty good but eventually decided they wanted to join the other kids.

The service was about how Peter had denied Jesus three times, and then how Jesus later asked him three times whether he loved him and to feed his sheep. It had been a while since I’d been to church, and especially this one with a pastor who I’d heard before. I kept monitoring how I felt about the different things he said, what my honest thoughts were, and if I felt at all moved by faith or anything. I don’t think I was, I think that stuff requires you to be in a place where you already want to and are ready to surrender completely to what’s being taught.

Instead what I kind of realized is how much the message was essentially a lesson on the psychology of healthy relationships and sense of self worth through stories for the purpose of reflecting and applying to your own life. It got me wondering how much the purpose church serves for so many people is almost a lot like group therapy, and I wondered how many of those people would have been resistant to the idea of also accepting any kind of straightforward therapy out of fear or pride. As I think about it now, so much of my volunteering as a mentor with kids was to serve as a very close therapist who was able to earn their trust in a way that might be harder for professionals in an office or hospital environment to be able to.

When we got back home we played with blocks and trains and had lunch. The more time I spend with the kids, the less concerned I become with them liking and trusting me, and more concerned about how I can be a good influence and teach them. I had some pretty noticeable success getting Arie to finally let Cullen build the way he wanted instead of completely micromanaging his every move, and got both of them to actually ask for blocks or train pieces from each other instead of just taking it and flipping out. They listened almost right away when I told them that I didn’t like when they did those things to me, and they kept applying it to each other for the rest of our play time with hardly any need for me to remind them.

After we were done with that, Arie had the pretty sweet idea to build a fort, which I was immediately game for. She said that she was the “Director” and started barking commands. Early on when she would do that, I was flattered and wanted to encourage spending time together, but as time goes on that’s not really a behavior that I want to encourage. I told her that I wouldn’t play if she wasn’t going to ask nicely. Over the course of the fort building, she did slowly get a lot better at asking nicely the first time and thanking me for helping. My hope is that will spread to how she treats her brother who she often treats like a toy or tool as her service to use.

The fort ended up pretty sweet and I think I actually drifted to a light sleep for a minute before it was time to clean up and put everything away. Once everything was put away, I can’t remember what the family was doing but I told them I wasn’t going to join them and said some unhappy goodbyes to the kids and told them I’d probably be back again soon.

On my drive back down through Columbus to Cincinnati I sent a quick text to Amanda to see if she was around to meet up really quickly before I was out of town. She said to meet her out so I did and got to meet a couple of her friends Darrin and Sean who all invited me out to join them later at a Greensky Bluegrass concert they were going to. I told them I probably wouldn’t but I’d think about it.

I ended up driving them home since I had a car and they got ready so I hung out with them there for a little while and Darrin invited me to his house before the show to pregame and jam out on his instruments. I went and had a great time and ended up having a couple drinks so I realized I pretty much had to go along for the rest of the night instead of driving home. They were also nice enough to offer me some of their ecstasy and shrooms, but I don’t think I can handle that stuff so I passed.

We ubered to the show, I got some pizza, and I started meeting and talking with some girls that I was around in different parts of the venue. They were all pretty nice, and some were also really cute, but I ended up talking to one in particular while sitting with my friends. She was strawberry blonde, was taking care of her drunk friends, was able to have a fun conversation, and she had a cute freckled face. I noticed myself examining her face and feeling that she seemed like a good person and I just came right out. I asked her if I could tell her something. She said yes and I told her simply that “I think I like you.” She paused for a while, maybe not sure how to respond to such a straightforward statement. Eventually the pause was long enough that I got a suspicion. “You have a boyfriend don’t you,” I asked. She nodded and said yes. Now I wonder if that was true or if she either didn’t like me or didn’t know what to say so she said yes. I gave a disappointed nod, asked her what his name was, she said Trevor, and I told her that he was lucky to have her and that I was going to find some other friends on the other side of the venue.

Maybe she thought I was just trying to get into her pants because I just got up instead of continuing to talk to her, but I was actually a little embarrassed and part of it was that I was still looking for someone to kiss and cuddle with.

A couple of the other girls I spoke with either ended up also being in a relationship already, or starting out seeming into me and then becoming distant. I keep wondering if it’s because I don’t show enough interest early enough.

We ended up going to an after party at a bar where I saw many of the same girls and a couple new ones, who all pretty much ended up having a boyfriend or having that be code for just not liking me. While I was there I got to play with an LED hula hoop which I was really bad at and making eye contact level friends with other random dudes there.

To keep things going, after the after party, we went to another party at someone’s house. An after-after party if you will. There didn’t turn out to be a lot of people, maybe 10-15, but I got to meet them and they were alright. There was a girl that I thought was pretty cute, and might have been nice except she had some pretty thick walls up to everyone. I made friends with the house cats, and when some drugs came out I asked a couple questions that ended up surprising everyone how few times I’ve smoked weed and how I haven’t really done any other drugs. I got a lesson in packing and etiquette for sharing a bowl even though I didn’t take anything that I was offered. Then snuggled on the couch for a while listening to the conversation wrapped in a blanket and the cat came to snuggle under the blanket with me. One of the more boisterous guys who kept pulling out bags of cocaine was shocked that I’d never tried it and was dead set on getting me to try. He said he’s sneak me some if I fell asleep, but I asked him to be nice to me and I think he couldn’t bring himself to do anything after that.

Eventually after the conversation started to feel repetitive and the girl with her walls up kept herself at a distance, I saw that there was sunlight starting to show in the crack of the blanket over the window. When I checked the time it was about 7am. That’s when I let myself fall asleep and took a couple hour nap until about 9am.

All the people still there when I left really seemed to like me and told me that they really liked me. One guy gave me his card which I have and don’t know what to do with.

When I woke up Darrin and I ubered back to Amanda’s place where I fell asleep on the couch snuggled up with her dog Chavi. My Sunday night ended at 10am on Monday morning.

I don’t remember when exactly, but I know at some point in the night Darrin told me he thought I was a really cool guy. When I asked him why he said it was because I just be myself. I guess that’s true in the sense that there are things that I know I’m not and so I say no to, but I still don’t know if I’m really in touch and aware of who I am or have that figured out.

Journal:01/13/17

Friday ended up being a bigger adventure than I expected.

I almost missed therapy again. I think I set my alarm early enough that the mom was still getting ready to go to work and I didn’t want to get in her way so I must have turned my alarm off or something.  I woke up a while later to the sound of another alarm outside my bedroom door. Pretty embarrassing to say but since she knew I missed therapy the day before, she set an extra alarm for me. Very nice and thoughtful, but it sounds pretty pathetic and is not the easiest to admit, but I’m really trying to work on not holding back even in the little ways that are really easy to just omit and own everything that is real.

Often times, since I am better at seeing the little things I’m ashamed of instead of the little things that I should be proud of, I know my honesty is probably giving myself and others a lopsided view of more of my bad than my good. I think I’m going to try to revive and change the format of my posts about what I love about myself to be a single running list that I timestamp any time I add to it.

Therapy itself was a lot of updating Leah on my conversations with Carly since we last met. I also told her that I was a little frustrated how much time and energy dealing with all the emotional stuff made me feel like I wasn’t making more progress on practical accomplishments and life-management.

We also talked about how I reacted to some of the conversation with Carly. How I have almost a need to coax her to admit all the worst and hardest thing about myself and our relationship so that I can take as much credit for the bad as possible to make sure that 1) I’m thoroughly beating the lesson into or out of me, I’m not sure which way and 2) I think I have this self punishment complex where it’s only right and just that if I found out I’ve done anyone wrong that I have to learn my lesson in a painful way as some form of payment or penance of fairness.

Leah said that wasn’t really healthy. I wasn’t surprised.

She went on to point that out as a very extreme type of oversimplified black-and-white thinking to always assume and put all the worst on myself and all the best on others. I get that, but I also see others often excusing themselves for things that they played a role in being responsible for and I don’t want to be a person who makes excuses and doesn’t learn from my mistakes and continues to hurt people. In that way I guess it does come back to my deep and powerful core value to “never hurt anyone”, which is impossible but I believe worth trying to minimize and I am very harsh and unforgiving of myself when I fail.

One counter to my assumption that I was the only one who had done anything wrong was talking with Leah about the strange little relief to know that Carly had been holding back a whole lot from me about who she really was and what she really needed. The more that sinks in the more it feels like being constantly lied to.  It isn’t about laying any blame, but was a relief to know I wasn’t the ONLY person who had done ANYTHING wrong  like I had been telling myself. In comparison to that, the fact that she was consciously in contact with someone else on a daily basis and developing feelings for them while we were still together doesn’t feel like nearly as big of a betrayal as the foundational lying it turns out she had been doing to both of us for so long. Don’t worry, I’m not using this as ANY kind of excuse for myself, I still take plenty of the blame for wrongdoing still, it has just been important for me to really see past some of my black-and-white thinking that EVERYTHING was ALWAYS ALL my fault.

I think the topic of being so harsh on myself is what reminded me and shifted us to talking about my realizations about how for a long time my extreme pressure, and expectations, and withholding, and harshness with myself was in a way abusing myself. She told me about someone she knew or heard about who put a childhood photo on their bathroom mirror and reminded to love themselves and and treat themselves and talk to themselves the way they would to the little little version of them self that was in the photo. That is something I might try doing since my realization was essentially that I was abusing that person inside me.

I told her about some of the frustration and impatience I was having, feeling like I was spending so much time and making most of my progress in this emotional space that I wasn’t getting to see as much practical improvement as I wanted (even thought there definitely has been a fair amount considering how low I was to begin with). She essentially told me that I was making good progress, that the last thing I needed was something else to beat myself up about, and to be patient with myself.

After therapy, I knew that I would be heading to Columbus for happy hour that afternoon so I got through my daily prep and gym time fast and early and was fussing to customize my computer set up customized when it was time to go.

I headed straight to the bar I was meeting the girls at and Mike D. also decided to come hang out even though he didn’t know anyone else. I got to catch up with Jim Christy who Julie now works with. Mike and everyone got introduced, and talked a little bit about work stuff, then also about dogs, I found out that someone I had worked with used to be a Hooters waitress which I was so happy to know, then a bowling lane opened up and I talked to Paige about what she’s thinking about her career. We all took a picture to share with Kaitlin and Stacy who didn’t end up making it out.

We moved on to Local Bar when it seemed the larger group was winding down pretty early. I got to practice talking with girls who I didn’t know at all without trying too hard. Luckily I actually had a genuine question to ask one of their group who they all were. When some of her group came back, I got to talk with them too. One of whom was a cute, single blonde who I had noticed earlier. They were very cool and the conversation was pretty fun for me at least, then someone turned it political and the dynamic started to get weird even though I didn’t think anyone said anything offensive. They said they were going to Union for the rest of the night after I told them I was going to meet other friends at Pint House and we went our separate ways. Maybe I should have been more direct and given special attention to the cute blonde instead of just being friendly. I don’t know, that’s just the stuff I wonder about after I meet cute girls that get my attention and try to be a genuinely friendly person and considerate of the friends they’re with.

Grant and Carson were there when I got to Pint House so I got to catch up and have both dumb and some bits of meaningful conversation with them. It’s crazy think about how I used to volunteer and mentor them in a christian organization and now I go out and party with them, but to be honest it’s not weird because at the heart we just have brotherly relationships and really care about each other and want to have fun together. We did have a lot of fun being stupid but we also talked a little bit about the status of things with Carly.

Carson was sad to hear about it because he knew her and we had been an example to him. He also told me that I was the only man that he ever cried in front of and how much that meant to him, how it changed his life, and I think he even said was one of if not THE best day of his life. I remembered the night he was talking about. He had a girlfriend who he cared about and she was upset about something bad that happened to her, and he was upset for her. He shed some tears and I had met his father who was a pretty hard man, and I knew that Carson put a lot of his identity in football and a lot of other things that often encourage the rejection or suppression of certain emotions that are considered weakness. I told him that I loved him. I told him that I didn’t care if he was great or terrible at football. I told him I didn’t think any less of him as a man for crying, but maybe even more. I told him that anything he succeeded at or failed at wouldn’t change the fact that I just loved him like a brother.

That night he thanked me and got out of the car since I was dropping him off at home, but since then there’s been a couple times he has told me a little bit about how much that conversation meant to him.

Then we got back to doing dumb stuff. I met their other friends there and one of them was a girl with a cute face and dark brown eyes named Rachel who I thought if she was nice that I would like to maybe kiss and cuddle with. We all went to Union next and the girls who said they would be there from Local Bar were nowhere to be found. Shame. At Union the only meaningful conversation we had was briefly about how I’ve never had a one night stand. Part of me now wonders if that conversation could have been misleading because I would still go home with, and kiss, and cuddle, and maybe fool around with someone if they were cute and nice enough.

Then we headed to The Standard for a while an on the way in I somehow was roped into a short conversation with some cute girls, but my innocent non-opportunistic mind didn’t think to try to extend the conversation to see if they or anyone they knew were nice, cute, and single. I was looking and hoping to find someone to kiss and cuddle with, but my own unique desires and standards are pretty abnormal which makes it hard to be understood and find what I’m looking for. I like my innocence in this way and I am too stubborn to change to operate how is normal, instead of doing things my way.

We didn’t stay at The Standard for too long before ubering to some other place that they young 22-year-old boys chose. Turns out it was a very clubby place in the middle of campus filled with 18-year-olds grinding on the dance floor. There were a rare couple nice girls in groups that seemed to have class and would be nice to get to know, but again the safe thing to assume about a guy in a place like that is that he just wants to have meaningless and selfish sex with anyone he finds attractive enough. I pretty felt very discouraged and lonely by the truth of that fact, and how much I didn’t really like the environment I was in. I think that’s when I opened my phone and typed this note as a draft in wordpress:

“Good damn I miss her so much”

I missed having someone who I didn’t have to wonder if they were a kind and caring human being, and if they understood or cared about who I was. I missed knowing there was someone like that who I could go to almost whenever I wanted and that they would also want to be with me. I also am so full of intimate memories with her that whenever I imaging getting close with someone in any capacity, my default is to see it with her.

I lost Grant and Carson while I was exploring the club, and it turned out they had already left so I headed out and crashed at Molly’s house to end a pretty eventful day.

 

 

Journal: 01/07/17

I slept in till maybe 11am after the 4am conversation with Carly laid out in detail here.

What I remember from the morning is that I was trying to debate whether or not to still go up to Columbus for Scales’s birthday or not.

I got a call from Adam Karl and I have him the down low on the long conversation with Carly and as always he was incredibly supportive and validating and encouraging regarding the parts of the conversation that were still weighing on me which was mostly 1) Finding out that she had been texting New Guy every day for the last month of our relationship and had developed feelings 2) How different her lifestyle and behavior seems to have become 3) Hearing more specifics about how I wasn’t there for her like I should have been and 4) some discussion we had about her exploration into casual rendezvous.

It was nice to receive his support and process a but more, but reliving the hard parts of the conversation wasn’t fun.

Towards the end of the conversation I got a facetime call on the other line from Andrew H. Just as I’d hoped, his kids were calling to invite me over to play and stay the night. Feeling stressed from the last night’s call I knew that was exactly what I needed so I accepted right away since I would also be able to use the trip to still go to Scales’s birthday.

It was early evening by the time I actually got up there. It took them a slow 5 seconds to give me hugs and warm right back up to me again. We played blocks and house and had dinner with another couple that they were friends with. Nice people but we didn’t talk much directly mostly because I knew the inevitable questions and wasn’t going to start them down that path unless they asked.

After dinner was more chilling and playing. Kyria’s 13yo brother Aiden and I ended up in a conversation about dating and he ended up asking a handful of questions about Carly which I answered fully. At one point he was interested enough to put down his phone and moved very close to kneel right at the side of the chair with his elbows propped up on the arm rest. I’m guessing he doesn’t often hear such vulnerability from adults very often.

Not long after I was on my way and met up with Scales and his friends for his birthday. I got to see Kyle and Shelby there, and meet Billy’s brother, and a cute friend of Scales’s who was of course in a relationship. Still, it’s nice to meet very sweet and very cute girls and allow myself to fully feel attraction towards them and explore how and why I feel differently towards different people.

There wasn’t a lot of really memorable or meaningful conversation, but it was just good to be there with Scales and celebrate him in a friendly and warm environment.

It was a bit of a juggle, but the party wound down in time for me to go meet Chelsea and her friends out. She barely reacted at all when I found here so I wasn’t sure if she actually wanted me there. I decided to assume the best, sat down, and we ended up striking a pretty good conversation about her interest in gambling. I gave her and her friends a ride home since I only had 2 drinks the whole night and then got back to the Helmlingers around 2:30 to crash.

Journal: 12/17/16

YESTERDAY – After debating and deciding not to make a weekend trip to Columbus, I decided to take a rest day from working out, and was going to take it easy and use the weekend to take care of final Christmas loose ends and maybe see that movie with Leah (not my therapist, my long time friend).

When the movie didn’t pan out and I had some heavy messages back and forth with Leah about her marriage and ways to help her husband with his emotional opportunities, I joined up with Rach, Matt, and Brit partially through the comedy show which was better than I expected. (Note to self – HavartiParty on Tumblr)

After the show I went solo to Village Tavern which was a great time. I made friends without managing to get a single person’s name, talked to people, bought shots for birthday people, even met some girls I liked but had no clue what I was doing. I danced my face off with dudes and chicks, went for some cool-downs outside, and slid around on the ice and sleet. I didn’t get home until after 2am and had zero interest in journaling then so this is a double post.

Although I didn’t have or know anyone, I think I managed to feel a very small and manageable amount of social anxiety and insecurity at a new place, making my own way. I am kinda proud of that.

TODAY – I slept until about noon from a combination of being up late, strenuous dance marathoning, and having drinks in me. After I got up I went through the full morning routine and felt pretty good by the end except so tired I just laid on the carpet feeling how nice and soft it is and drifting in and out of sleep.

Received some packages, went through my pile of therapy worksheets to see if/which I want to go back and take a fresh look at, set up the Christmas tree, ate some dinner, read some Power of Now, and watched a movie.

I have a surplus of resources to pull from with all the worksheets, the book, the meditation, and journaling. There’s a good amount of overlap and connection between them all, but it’s hard to hold my attention fully in the present while also trying to process the multiple sources of guidance that I’m trying to follow and listen to.

The book is very repetitive, but I need that because my mind so quickly and frequently takes me for a ride without me even noticing. We are getting to discussion of how not having my identity connected to outcomes or situations in the future is both a cause and effect of being in the only place I can be whole and complete, which is now and can never be in the past or the future. There is some strange language and I do feel like a weirdo using it, but it does make sense in it’s own way.

I can’t say I was overcome by any powerful emotions today. Some regret and living in the past of last night and how I should have gotten more peoples’ information, some guilt in the moment for drinking a little more than I should have which I didn’t overcome and wake up when I planned, some insecurity about the future as I’m able to see the momentary growth and I’m getting nervous about the ever-nearing prospect of going back to school or taking some other big step.

I think that last one is also why I’ve been resisting the present and not looking into what volunteering travel opportunity I could try out in January. I was imagining and living in a fantasy future where that was all I wanted to do, but now that I might be ready to try something like that, I’m dragging my feet like I don’t want to anymore. Am I scared of the time cost and the risk and the challenge to my new routine? Probably. Is there a part of me that wonders if I don’t really need or want that experience in reality anymore? I don’t know, maybe.

 

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑