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Anonyst Man

Bold Honesty

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Journal: 01/26/17

Going to sleep early last night, even though it took me a while to fall asleep, paid off. I was actually able to get up pretty close to my alarm and used my time tracker to clock how long it was taking me to get out of bed which I think helped that too.

My old man hips took about 4o min to roll out on a lacrosse ball to feel thoroughly worked on.

Getting back to meditation for the second day in a row felt good too. I remembered the reason I stopped was from discomfort in my back from sitting on the floor the whole time. I think I could tell today how much rolling out on the lacrosse ball and a few weeks of core work has made sitting unsupported more comfortable.

I squeezed in brunch and headed off to therapy. I caught my therapist up on the past week’s events and how I was feeling. I was strange but refreshing to have a girl besides Carly to talk about now. We talked a little bit about how it was also weird to me that I was now in contact with a music producer, making plans to record, and that I might actually complete an album that I hadn’t really intended to make at first. We also discussed my upcoming visit to Evanston, and the prospect of having a story time with anyone in the university who was interested in hearing what I’ve been through. I told her that I think my intentions aren’t for attention or sympathy but I have this nagging doubt and negativity that keeps trying to dissuade me. I think if I did it in the right way that I would benefit from the opportunity to put it all behind me, and that there are likely at least some others who would benefit from what I’ve learned the hard way. I’ll probably talk to a couple people about my idea when I’m up there.

After an exhausting workout I texted with Rori and found out that she’s available this weekend. Since she was feeling stressed out and was still at work I looked up and booked an escape the room reservation for us tomorrow. They’re going to blindfold and handcuff us. I’m pretty excited.

Coming home to shower and eat, I worked on the blog post that I still haven’t completed about the first long phone conversation I recently had with Carly where we really got to catch up and hear about each other’s lives and what we’ve been learning.

I had to take a break after an hour because it was harder work than I thought and I was exhausted so I relaxed by playing and singing a couple of my songs for a while.

Once I was done with that I got thinking about changes that I’ve been thinking of making to my categories and items in my time logger app. I spent a while creating new items and reorganizing them with the ones I already have to get a good amount closer to a setup that I think will allow me to easily track 90% of my time with a meaningful and useful designation.

Then, after eating and wasting a little time, I got back to the journaling until Carson, one of my old volunteer kids who’s now 22, called me. He was driving from Dayton to Columbus and decided to give me a call with his free time. He asked what I was doing so I told him about my journaling and he asked a handful of questions that happened to have kind of heavy answers. The heavy subjects made him wonder if I was feeling down so I told him some of the more recent fun stuff going on which I think made him feel a little better.

Pretty much the rest of the night after that was drinking mimosas and wine and watching Scandal and Con Air. Not bad if you ask me.

Now I’m trying to decide whether or not to eat my 5th meal of the day as planned or if I’m tired enough to just go to sleep.

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Journal: 01/25/17

Today got off to a pretty good start, moving relatively quickly through my morning routine, eating a couple baby omelettes, stretching my old man hips, meditating. Along the way I was thinking about shifting my attention off myself and relationship stuff for a while and back onto my practices of mindfulness, meditation, and improving my effectiveness with my time. I revisited the time logging app that I have gotten lazy with because I thought I found a better alternative that tries to estimate for me how I’m using my time, but that thing has been pretty useless so far.

I’m still tweaking how to use and when to log certain items. More often than I’d like to admit, if I’m just thinking about how I could be spending my time right now, that’s doesn’t really count as anything useful and I should start the timer for “wasting time” to get my booty in shape to get to take real actions or coordination of action.

I listened to some music that the producer Dan sent to me which I liked and reminded me of some of my influences, but as to be expected I did have a couple feelings about how I am going for something slightly different.

I also made progress on my continual tug-of war to stay up to date with journaling. Weekends always make it hard and I’ll get caught up right before the next weekend screws everything up again.

Once I’d had some coffee and enough time for it to take effect I went to the gym and listened to The Dollup podcast which might be my favorite and great length for the gym if only they published every day.

On my way home I grabbed a refill of my scripts thanks to using a handy-dandy reminder. After showering, changing, and eating, I managed to waste another hour and a half which I think was mostly spend texting back and forth with Rori trying to figure out what she was capable of eating and would like if I made on Valentine’s Day. It was so painful pulling an answer out of her since she simultaneously can’t eat my favorite things, and also couldn’t say anything that sounded nice or special to her. She might be even less of a foodie than me which is impressive and I’m not sure if that would annoy me or endear me more over time.

While I had dinner Lepsch called. We talked about music copywriting, how my conversation with Dan went, and I told him the story of Rori (heh). He asked if I liked her and I didn’t really know what to say. I said that I like things about her and listed some, but I’m not exactly sure if that’s already turned into really feeling like I know and like this person enough to be able to confidently say to. I think I might, but I’m not sure. It’s also a little difficult not to wonder what those feelings would mean to becoming some kind of actual relationship, regardless of how casual or serious it is. Any thoughts from my 13 followers?

I was going to do some of my own journaling again right after dinner, but ended up perusing some posts from someone who had liked a pretty solid number of my posts. It was my first real exploration of what other people do with their blogs. Very different from my method of posting a high volume of daily journals and having 13 followers, she had maybe about 20 posts total I think with about six-hundred-something followers, and seemed to have been published in Huffington post a few times. I’m not sure whether her intention was to accomplish those things or if people just liked her content that much that it happened organically, but that seemed pretty impressive to me. It was also my first time really reading anything that included personal stories from a stranger in another country that I was able to relate to some of and wonder whether I would be friends with this person if we met in real life. I’m still so baby-fresh to this whole blogging world. It’s intimidating and exciting. I’m content over here just doing my own little thing.

Now that I think I’m all caught up with the daily junk, and I’m pretty exhausted, I’m going to see if I go to bed an hour early if that will help me get up earlier and fully on schedule. Here’s to hoping. Goodnight my few special buddies.

 

 

Journal: 01/19/17

Getting closer to my normal schedule after that weird AF weekend, I had a therapy session where I recounted my activities and thoughts in almost the same way that I have begun to share them here, so it seems like maybe I could start getting different things out of working with her or maybe sharing my blog would save time if she would have any interest in that.

We did talk a little about my decision now between volunteering travel and recording the album. Although part of me does feel like I would be backing out on what I had been saying, I do feel like the album is more time sensitive and that time is now. Travel volunteering will have plenty of time and options in the future, but being in the right state of mind for the album probably won’t last very long. Now that I’m back in contact with Carly on friendly terms, part of me is nervous that I’ll lose some of my connection with some of the songs.

Swung by the gym before heading home, and listened to a podcast about networks while I worked out. Apparently the average number of meaningful relationships that anyone can have is about 150 with tiers of intimate, best, close, good, and familiar friends and maybe very good acquaintances. That did get me thinking about how much I have a hard time saying no to people and not trying to be everyone’s friend. I considered making it a goal to make a conscious effort to be intentional about who those people are and how I manage my time and relationships with them.

When I got home after getting ready, I started adding to my unfinished first post here which explains how I came to start this journal/blog in the first place. While I worked on that I listened to another podcast which described how out most precious resource isn’t time, but attention, which can decides if and how time spent is used effectively or not.

When I got to a part that recalled writing a song, I decided that I would call the music producer Dan back to see if I could get ahold of him to discuss the story behind my developing album, what I’m trying to do with it, and what he would need from me to make it a real thing. He seemed to really appreciate my honesty and vulnerability and was excited to work on the project together. Turns out I’ll probably be headed out to NY for two trips, one in mid February, and another around mid March, for about 3 days each. Although, I might extend to have some fun and Karl might come out and join for fun too.

I still haven’t completed that post and it’s a bit of a mess right now, but I think I might be about half way there now. It’s a lot of ground to try and capture as succinctly and accurately while also painting with the right colors and tones. I also had to stop when I was first writing it because reliving all of the relationship parts were too much for me to handle in one sitting.

At some point Karl called, which is when we discussed NY. We got caught up on the last week which I was happy to do, but having already recapped everything in a ton of journaling, in therapy, and again, I was starting to feel like I was on repeat. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. It probably reenforces some of the memories and the lessons and the thoughts that I want to hold on to and remember later.

While I was talking on the phone, I roamed and paced around the house like I usually do and ended up laying on the bed. By the end of the call I could feel myself fighting sleep and after we hung up, I decided to take a nap since I have recently been feeling like I might be getting sick and because like the last few weeks I get tired after getting back to the gym after missing several days.

Shortly after I woke up, Rachel called and I was half awake so I wasn’t very good conversation probably. We talked about a trip to Chicago, and I explained how that would probably have to be planned dependent on my time in NY once I knew when that was going to be. I have a feeling there is going to be a handful of weeks or weekends where I could line up a whole string of plans if I wanted to. Guess I’ll have to see.

I slowly tried waking up from my late nap, heading downstairs and catching some of the show Scandal which was on. That show is so ridiculously hyper-dramatized every second that I can’t help but straight up laugh out loud at it every now and then.

Heated up some food, had a glass of wine, and took a Benadryl for good measure so I can hopefully fall asleep quickly despite my late nap. I am ready for bed. Night night.

 

Journal: 01/18/17

Got a late start after a mentally exhausting day and staying up past bed time talking with Carly.

I skipped a lot of my morning routine and pretty much just ate and did a little stretching before getting back to wrapping up yesterday’s journal post. It feels really good knowing that after tonight I’ll be completely caught up on my daily journal posting. However, that means I can work on getting caught up on the 1-off blog posts that I haven’t completed to my satisfaction yet.

After messing around with my guitar and starting to get the new filing system labels set up, I got back to the gym after 4 days of missing and got to listen to some of the podcasts I like. A few of them reminded me of things Carly and I have talked about so I shared them with her. She had already texted me a couple times earlier and the huge increase of volume in our communication began making me wonder if we are getting a little too regularly involved with each other too fast. The last thing I would want is for one of us to get hurt again.

When I got home I decided to take another look and check to see if the emails I’d been waiting for had come through. Before I actually got to doing that I decided it was time to really start going to work cleaning up my school emails which had grown to almost ~1,000 unread from the neglect of being away on leave for depression. I deleted about 900 of them tonight so my goal is to get to complete inbox zero within the next couple days.

I also did reach back out to my contact at school and at the nonprofit organization that I have been meaning to stay in contact with which was nice to finally move on my to-do list.

This reminded me about all the files on my computer that were still not synced up with the cloud and in my photo library the way I wanted. Checked they were almost ready so I spent some time fiddling with my contact groups and then was able to get to work sorting and deleting photos and adding them in the albums I wanted. Now it’ll probably take a few days for those updates to save so I can move on.

I listened to some more podcasts and snacked in the kitchen while I cooked myself some salmon. After I ate I was feeling a little sick so I took come vitamins and made myself a cup of sleepy time tea and headed up to finally call and catch up with Joe.

Joe and I had quite a bit to catch up on and we still weren’t able to cover everything. He only had a couple big updates since school keeps him busy, but thankfully he’s feeling comfortable with his workload and routine and he’s been talking with a nice guy for a while now.

I updated him mostly on Carly stuff since there have been so many developments there since we last spoke. Coincidentally, Carly tried to call me on the other line while I was talking to him, but I told her I’d call her later. I also told him a little bit about music coming together which I think he was excited about and wants to hear sometime. He was happy to hear that I was able to handle things and get some closure, but he was also up the same question I had about making sure not to get too close to let either of us get hurt again.

When I called her back, Carly said she just had something quick to tell me. She told me that she wanted to tell me something nice because she knew that I could use it right now. She told me that she loves me and that I’m very important to her. I think this was essentially the same sentiment that I told her when we first got back in touch that she was such a huge and positive and important influence on my life that I would probably always love her. At least I think that she meant the same thing but I asked if she could describe it. She said she didn’t really know. I said I get that it’s complicated and she agreed. I thanked her for telling me and we hung up. I hope we’re not on track for one of us to get hurt like I was worried about. She did seem much happier on the phone to tell me this than she has been lately. Maybe it’s because it felt good to her to help me by telling me good things. I’m just not in a place to read into it so I’m not going to and I’ll have to talk with her about it more later.

Right as we were wrapping up, Kyndrea was calling on the other line. What a great night full of talking with friends. I gave her some of the same updates as Joe about getting back in contact and looking for things to accept and move on from, and feeling good about being able to help her and make amens in a way for how terrible I was at the end. She also encouraged me not to punish and be hard on myself so I told her what I’ve been learning about very long and deep seeded patterns that were hurting myself and those around me. I also got to hear a little about her unfortunate school disappointments and we also discussed general similarities we have when it comes to relationships. She asked about Arie and Cully too so I got an excuse to gush about them and follow-up our call by sending her some videos I have of them.

Now it’s bedtime. Goodnight.

Journal: 01/17/17

I spent the entire day getting almost fully caught up on my journaling. It took forever because the last 5 days were pretty eventful so I ended up writing about 10,000 words which I’m not sure if that’s a lot for a whole day, but not really considering myself a writer it felt like a ton and some of the strain to remember and sort through the emotional impact of things was pretty exhausting. I just hope I remembered the most important stuff and got it accurately.

I quite literally did almost nothing else except for eat, and take breaks between posts to rest my brain which was feeling burnt out. By the end of the night I was working very slowly while the TV was on to a criminal investigation show.

At about 10:30 I got a text from Carly that New Guy who she was trying to get over had gotten a new girlfriend. She didn’t really say anything else but I assumed that was a pretty big deal to her to I texted back and when she didn’t respond I gave her a call.

She was pretty upset about it. Much of the conversation was similar to another recent one where she felt manipulated and used my him to go out there and now she felt disposable and replaceable. I told her that the more I heard about this guy the worse I thought of him and that he didn’t really deserve for her to care about him. She agreed, but feelings don’t listen to reason. To try to make her feel better, I reminded her how irreplaceable she’s been to me for the last almost… 9 months now (holy crap) since I haven’t really been able to fully move on and I think that seemed to help her a little.

I tried to tell her not to be too hard on herself for not really knowing him because even with un-manipulative people it’s possible to know someone for a long time and not really know them at all. She asked if that was a dig at her and it could have been, but I meant it in a lot of ways. In many ways I still held on to fear of problems that we had early in our relationship that she had done a very good job of growing from. I also know that relationships in my close family often times feel like they can’t fully see who I am today because of who they’ve known me as in the past.

There was an understandable amount of venting which was a little reminiscent and strange for me to be in this emotional support position in this situation, but as always, it feels good to get whatever small feeling of redemption I can for helping her after being such a blind jerk to her at the end.

As she reflected on how terrible he is/was, at one point she apologized to me that he was the guy she ran to so quickly after me that it encouraged my insecurity and inadequacy. She also apologized that I found out about them when she called in the deepest depth of my depression. I appreciated the apologies, but she didn’t do anything wrong and I was going to find those things out eventually so I’m glad they happened sooner than later. The other good thing was that now, in hindsight and hearing about how much of a selfish manipulative jerk that guy was helps me to feel less insecure and inadequate than if he actually had been an amazing guy (although I did tell her she deserved an amazing guy).

Although it may be a bit of an exaggeration by her fresh and heightened emotions, it was a relief to hear her say that he’s not even in the same league of human being that I’m in. Even though it was difficult for her to talk about how her last two relationships (including me) were with emotionally unavailable guys, I was relieved to hear her say that she knew that I at least “tried so hard” to be available even though I was just blind and unable to see in order to do anything at the time. We talked about how she knew what I was feeling when I didn’t and how almost all of the things I’ve learned are things she knew and tried to tell be but I just couldn’t see.

We briefly acknowledged again how badly we screwed up in our relationship, which was strange and again made me wonder if there could ever be a day where we’ve learned and become the right kind of person for each other at the right time some day in the future, but I didn’t let myself entertain that much at all since it wouldn’t be soon and definitely wasn’t now.

She talked a little bit about how the thought of being emotionally shut down herself is appealing, and would be an ironic reversal of our positions, but I told her all that is a lie and it eventually finds a painful way out that you pay for later. I told her that she’s her own person, but that I hoped she wouldn’t do anything desperate or reckless to try to numb or run from the pain of acknowledging that she has feelings. She thought I meant suicide but I tried to explain that I was talking about anything that would be treating herself poorly or like less than she is. I’m not sure if she fully understood but I hope she did.

There was more to the convo that I can’t remember or wasn’t significant, but that’s pretty much the note we left on after talking for an hour and a half and I went straight to sleep.

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