I am the world champion of not waking up with my alarm. It’s the worst talent ever. I didn’t even bother trying to snooze the thing eventually and was able to just go back to sleep with the thing buzzing at me. Maybe I should try hypnosis-therapy or something like smokers.
Spent the next few HOURS in bed tinkering with the phone: downloading new apps, fiddling with how it’s organized, trying to figure out the smartest way to use the gestures to open common apps. Also the time logger free version sucked for iOS so I had to pay for the “upgraded” version which was only slightly different from the free android one, but if I use the damn thing it should be worth it.
After yoga and the rest of my daily rituals, it was around 3 and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I’ve got to find a strategy to really always have a clear next thing lined up.
I’m sure I felt things and should have logged them in my wordpress mobile app to pick up here, but new habits are hard, and I’m working on so many of them. The little constant vigilance ones like logging feelings and tracking time are the hardest for sure. So tedious, but I think would have a huuuge impact if done consistently. It’s difficult when feelings hit while driving, which is common because pop songs have a lot of content that can be an easy trigger for my recurring guilt, shame, and pain from knowing that I was blind and didn’t deserve her at the end.
After eating today, I got suuuper sleepy and almost fell asleep but I got up and fought it off with come coffee. I think waiting a long time to eat and then having a big bowl of carbs was unwise. If anything, it builds a stronger case for me to get on a more steady and balanced meal plan to give me more energy. I’ve been living the opposite and it is dragging me down.
I think I picked up the guitar for a while today maybe, but mostly was research possible short term volunteer work while listening to a podcast when Rach called and I put everything on pause to have some neat facetime with her. It was good, but I wasn’t able to make much progress on the research before I decided it was getting late and I needed to head to the gym.
After my workout I was trying to meditate in the sauna with some dude talking loudly on the phone the whole time about promoting mix tapes and collaborating with people. So many n-words. Made it hard to concentrate on the meditation, but that might have been a good challenge and I think I was able to do fairly well still actually.
When I was done meditating, I somehow got to thinking about going back to school and telling my story to people. My thoughts took me to thinking about how the best way to manage a person like me is to earn our trust and loyalty and we will bleed for you. That when people like me make a mistake, we see it as a fundamental betrayal of our core value of loyalty, and it’s a massive opportunity for a manager or leader to understand us and support us through failure as opposed to criticizing. We’ve already dwelled on what is wrong with us. If that opportunity to support is given,then you’ve just gained someone who would ride with you into certain death. That’s something I would be wise to learn to harness for my own success as well.
Just how fundamental loyalty is as a value of mine was a bit of a revelation to me. I knew that I honored and cared about it, but I guess in the past I’ve mainly used the word trust and honesty which are very similar, but they don’t fully capture it without loyalty as well.
In the shower I had some ideas for telling my entire extended fammmily about my story and journey. There is a lot to think about with levels of comfort regarding having and communicating my intentions for it.
Back home after a quick din I briefly worked on some song writing, but for the first time in a while was also able to just play other songs I knew and enjoy the doing of it without feeling as much compulsion to only put my energy into a need for expression. I hope that means that I’m becoming a little more free of some things and making room again.