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Anonyst Man

Bold Honesty

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moving on

Journal: 02/13/17

Switching back over to individual day posts while getting caught up because this is getting out of hand.

Whipped myself up some fried egg with guac and fresh salsa for brekky after waking up at a reasonable hour and not spending a completely excessive amount of time in bed listening to music and coaxing myself up.

I spent basically all of the morning starting what will be the last song on my album in light of the true nature of the end of my relationship. There is a lot to it and a lot to remember but I think I got all, and if not I’m sure the rest will come to me. I am glad that I took some time away just because it would have been too exhausting to try to grind it out while it was still fresh. I don’t think any of my feelings have changed at all though, and I can’t see them changing any time soon.

It’s a lot. I’m not sure how I’m going to get everything that I have to say in its fullest yet densest, without creating a 10 minute song but if that’s what it takes to do it right I guess I shouldn’t worry about how long the average song is. This one isn’t the average song. Working on it made me realize that in order to continue my intention not to look back or give any more thought or attention to her at all anymore, I’ll never be able to play any of these songs again once they are completed and laid to rest. I think I’m still perfectly ok with that, and if anything, would rather just work on a forward-looking album instead. It might get awkward to have to turn any close friends or family down who may ask to hear me play live though.

While I would have preferred to make progress on my other existing songs, I couldn’t help but organize a little more and add to my notes for songs that would be in a second album. I’m trying not to think about that any further than taking down any thoughts or ideas as they come to me naturally. I still haven’t gotten a response from Dan about landing time, and also had the idea of having someone filming a little bit in the studio while we’re working. I’m thinking either Sean or maybe someone Dan knows.

My writing breaks consisted of finally sorting through (but not paying or calling about) my last batch of bills from the apartment in Chicago, eating, just playing some songs on my guitar, practicing a little rope work for tomorrow, reviewing email, and trying to register for Spring classes, and more eating. Although I wasn’t able to get registration completed for reasons beyond my control, I should be able to get it all done in R2 without any issue.

By the time I knew I couldn’t do any more about registration for the day, it was a little later than I felt comfortable with about going to the gym and getting my energy up since I wanted to go to sleep earlier and wake up earlier.

I texted my closest friends up at school and they were excited. I’m very excited, but nervous to the extent that is probably normal and that I should feel, but not much more or less.

We’re having a boy! His name is Lepsch Junior. They showed me his penis.

Throughout the day and evening, along with school friends, I also had conversation with Rori planning our date tomorrow, got to know Harper a little better, and messaged with Nathalie and Lisa. That is a lot of talking with different girls. I don’t think I feel weird about it thought for multiple reasons. First there wouldn’t be anything wrong with dating around even if I was. Second, I’m not even sure what my intentions are with half of them. Third, I’m only actually seeing one of them and we have established we are not in a relationship. It is kind of nice to feel ok and ready to start to get back out there as just another step towards putting things behind me and moving forward.

My brain is too tired to try to remember any more stuff. Night night.

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The First Long Call: A Big Step Toward Closure (01/06/17)

This is my best attempt to capture (maybe not in the exact flow) the first lengthy, significant contact I’ve had with Carly since I started this blog. I mentioned not long ago we texted a little about what we’re learning and she said she would be ready to start having real conversation with each other again when I was ready.

I discussed the possibility with my therapist, and my fear was I would find out I’m no longer important or special to her in any way, or the contact would bring back strong feelings for one of us and not the other. The very last thing I needed right now was for either of us to get hurt, and hurting her would have hurt me.

My therapist challenged me to have the conversation sooner than later because the risk would never go away regardless of how long I waited, and it could be a relief to find out we felt the same about each other either way. I thought it would be a relief to know although she’s moved on that I’m still a very important and special person to her.

I tried not to think of it too much until I felt some level of comfort with risking the conversation, but a few nights later I was grocery shopping and something had gotten in my head to get me feeling very sharply anxious, insecure and inadequate wondering if the guy she dated after me was better than me in every way and everything I’m not.

Shortly after I got home from the grocery store I decided I couldn’t dwell in these feelings, doubts, and questions which felt like they were eating away and corroding me from the inside like a chemical burn. I texted her I’d be open to talking soon and she asked right away if now worked. Forgetting her time zone is three hours behind, I was a little surprised and instantly froze in panic for a second but took a breath and thought I didn’t have a good enough reason not to so I agreed and she called.

We started with a bit of light conversation hearing about each other’s holidays. There wasn’t much interesting or out of the ordinary I don’t think.

Somehow the conversation transitioned to me asking her more about who she is now, and what she’s done and seen. Not with any judgement whatsoever, but it was crazy for me to hear her talk about drugs she’s seen regularly at Hollywood parties, and ones she’s tried or now does regularly herself for primarily pain management purposes. It was hard to wrap my head around how casual and informed she was on the topic as someone who I’d known as a solidly conservative seeming, traditional seeming, almost Stepford Wife like person through much of our relationship.

She had texted me earlier how she was learning about her own pattern of trying to live up to some expectation and suppress her true self in relationships without any wrongdoing or pressure from her partner, and at some point I had to ask if I probably didn’t fully know her at all. She said probably not, and hearing more about how different her life, and perspective and opinions are surprised me how little I may have known the real her at all.

Although it could be nice to be taken care of by someone behaving that way, a recurring fear I had about our relationship was that it was, and would only get more like the boring, cookie-cutter life I was afraid to get stuck in.

Eventually I just out and asked her some of the questions which had been eating away at me. When I told her she was still important to me and I was afraid I was no one to her now. I also told her I had been feeling insecure and inadequate at the thought of New Guy being everything I’m not and that now she looks back and thinks less of me than she did when we were together because she didn’t know any better.

She said none of that was true and let out a breath which also said it was a silly question. After all she had done and gone through since our breakup, and how much she seemed to have changed, I felt the need to ask. I did elaborate on some areas of comparison and was somewhat relieved to hear some of the specific ways that New Guy hadn’t been a good partner in ways I knew I had.

The strangest area to discuss my newly developed doubts and insecurities was around my performance and contribution to the physical portion of our relationship. Our unique position of being each other’s first and only before we broke up is part of what enabled those feelings. I’m much more reluctant and skeptical to accept any good about myself, but I fully accept the bad in an instant. Hearing about a few areas of strength in my ability to perform physically was a weight off my shoulders, and I immediately agreed with her only stated weakness about having room for more confidence. The area she said I was probably average I have a hard time feeling ok with because I’m tough on myself and don’t consider average to be good enough.

What made even the positive opinions difficult to hear was knowing that they were based on her experiences with other men (which was kind of the point, I know). The hardest part might have been hearing how her opinions have changed, and her encouragement for me to also have a more casual encounter myself. I don’t judge or think any differently of her, but part of me naturally found it painful to hear that something we had once treated as somewhat sacred with each other, she was no longer treating as such, and could possibly have been giving what I thought of as a precious gift to people who might not be kind enough to deserve it.

She apologized if dating someone else so fast contributed and made my feelings of insecurity and inadequacy worse. I told her the apology was unnecessary. We were broken up and she didn’t owe me anything so she didn’t do anything wrong.

In fact she had been so good to me in our relationship that I told her, since I better understood and appreciated how well she loved me, she has become a role model for how I want to give in any form of relationship: taking any chance to care for my loved ones unconditionally. Her reaction was to tell me I shouldn’t want to be like her because she gave too much of herself. I don’t think the problem is being too giving and loving, but doing so from a false sense of roles and expectations instead of out of your own sense of self. Although her willingness to give and love was unconditional, I guess her own happiness and self worth has been directly conditional on others.

As we talked about how we were doing, it was strange I was working on moving on from her while she was already moved on and trying to get over New Guy. I asked her why I was taking so long to move on. She said she had started the process of moving on long before we broke up and had been working up the courage to break up with me while also not wanting to make things harder for me while I was in the middle of grad school application stress. Apparently having New Guy really helped her get over me too. She did say she had a short while where she was mad at me or trying to be mad at me after she broke the silence and I got to tell and text her a ton of apologies.

I wished I had reasons to be angry at her to make moving on a little easier, but told her I couldn’t really think of any since she had always been so good to me. She reminded me the fact she’d been hiding and holding back her real self from me was fair reason. I guess I had already started to feel angry about that the more I understand how much she had kept from me and essentially felt lied to in many ways for a long time.

She kept insisting I hadn’t done anything to influence it but she did it herself because of her expectations for any romantic relationship. She mentioned how in hindsight she was so much more fun with other friends and guy friends than she had been with me. That makes me feel lied to, and cheated, and in a sense she had given herself to other men in a way she wasn’t giving herself to me. Ironically, more fun side of her is what I fell in love with and maybe would have softened my fears about a Stepford life if she hadn’t gone away.

The other thing she said it would be fair for me to get mad about was New Guy again. I told her again that we were broken up so she didn’t do anything wrong and I didn’t blame him at all for scooping her up asap. They had been friends from work and she said I could be mad they kept in touch so frequently. I said that wasn’t a big deal and she hadn’t really talked to him that much. When she told me she had been texting him every day for months before we broke up I was surprised and had not know it had been that much. I think she maybe made a half-hearted attempt to be transparent that they were in touch, but probably just enough to somewhat satisfy her conscience without really being enough for me to think twice about it. Even if I had know the true frequency, it probably never would have crossed my mind to question it because I trusted her without question.

Something clicked in my head and I asked her if she was telling me she had cultivated feelings for him and had an emotional affair with him before we broke up. She said yes, but it wasn’t based on much because their conversation was very surface level. I didn’t feel much consolation from the style since the substance was still her choosing to continue indulging and developing feelings for him daily.

That rocked my world. Whenever I had told friends or family how quickly she moved on I said I trusted her and I didn’t think anything inappropriate happened. I was wrong. I was wrong to trust her for that period when she had been allowing and developing feelings for someone she chose to contact every day while I was with her.

I can’t say I had never felt the spark of feelings for old friends or new people during our relationship, and even shared residual feelings to an old friend who I thought deserved to know, which even today I can’t say whether a part of me had any ulterior motives. However, part of what was going on under my nose felt somewhat different because of the daily effort in maintaining and initiating contact.

Looping back around to how it was taking me so long to get over her while she was already moving on from someone else, we discussed a bit about how she doesn’t have interest in maintaining any kind of friendship with him because he wasn’t really capable of connecting with her on a meaningful level. I asked her how she was having a harder time moving on from someone she felt that way about than me. Her response was, in addition to simply choosing him and not being chosen back (again), she felt she gave our relationship everything she could, but wasn’t able to have that chance with him because he walked away so easily.

Before I would have agreed whole-heartedly that she had done absolutely everything she could have in our relationship. It was definitely true in the sense she gave all her time and energy into doing what she thought she was supposed to do, which was giving, caring and supporting. However, ironically, realizing more and more how she had kept herself and her needs from me, I could no longer agree she had done absolutely everything she could in our relationship.

Shortly after the conversation, I remembered that while we had been discussing our future, I had asked her if she would be interested in going to therapy together. Her sentiment was therapy is what premarital counseling is for after I make the choice to commit or not. At the time she also felt the issue was isolated to me and not her. I probably would have agreed before knowing what I now know and I can’t help but wonder what couples therapy could have done if it had been able to surface the issues we’re now dealing with apart. Such thinking is futile so I try no to dwell on how we could have done more, but carry what I’m learning forward.

More and more I’ve been learning how critical it is in any relationship that each individual be a healthy and whole person first before they can have the proper intentions and balance the give-and-take of a relationship.

That, I think, prompted me to tell her how I was learning just how unhealthy I had been and how terribly I had been treating myself internally. This gave me another opportunity, which I took again, to apologize for how my poor treatment of myself was in large part what overflowed into not being present or able to see her in order to treat her as well as she deserved.

Since she knew I wanted brutal (somewhat self-punishing) honesty to be shown fully my errors so that I could better appreciate and thoroughly learn to never do them again, she told me how I hadn’t been there for her enough and at times left her alone to do my own work when she was frustrated about being turned down for several jobs she worked very hard for and when her grandfather passed away. In no way do I excuse myself for those things. I remorsefully apologized and am working on forgiving myself for it. I also acknowledged for myself that she had been putting on a brave face, a mask that wasn’t true, which I hadn’t asked her to, and made it harder for me to see through while I was already blinded by my own agenda.

When she told me how she saw my depression building over time by isolating and not being interested in things I used to, she implied, if not explicitly said, she could tell for a long time I was on course for an imminent, massive breakdown.

Part of me was triggered and wanted to say “well then why the fuck didn’t you say anything to me or my family to encourage me to get any help?!” After asking in more civil terms, since I knew it was possible she had tried to warn me but I had been dismissive and blind, all she was able to say was she did express towards the end of our relationship that she wanted to get out more. She was absolutely right and I should have taken her out more and I regret not. I also try not to dwell on wondering what could have happened if she’d helped me get the help I couldn’t see I needed when she could see it.

All this talk about what we had been learning about how we both tried be who we thought we were supposed to be instead of ourselves got me thinking. I asked, since the more we lost ourselves the worse we were for each other, if now finding ourselves brought us closer together again, whether she was categorically closed off to considering getting back together. I tried to be abundantly clear I wasn’t trying or in any state of mind to even think about getting back together, but I thought it would be a tragic shame if we somehow became right together yet ended up missing each other.

Something reminded me I still hadn’t told her my side of the story leading up to our breakup. I was relieved it was important and helpful to her that she got to be the one to actually initiate the breakup since I decided not to do it myself before her trip to visit with a friend.

By this point it was almost 4am and we’d brought up but failed to end the conversation a couple times. We failed again by getting on the topic of our blogs. She’s been using her’s more as a platform to demonstrate, encourage and attract authenticity in people around her and it seems like she’s gotten really good response. Thinking more about her intentions after our conversation really inspired me to set the same example by being more fully vulnerable and exposed by not hiding behind any anonymity and being as forthcoming as possible in any blog post or conversation without reservation or embarrassment but fully owning everything past and present. She said I could follow her but I passed for now and I gave her my blog name but I think asked she hold off on looking until I felt more comfortable with it.

We said our goodbyes and I told her the conversation had been mostly good but a lot to take in so I might not be ready for another one like it for a while. She understood and said she’d put the ball in my court regarding when to talk again.

In the end it was a relief to be able to ask the questions that had gnawing and eating away at me. There were also some very difficult things to hear and find out about which would take several of days to come to terms with. I see it all as good truth to hear as knowing is a required step to accept things as they really are so I can put them behind me and move forward.

Journal: 01/27/17

I’ll fly through all the boring stuff about actually getting up and moving almost at my target time, stretching, trying to catch up on some of the big side-story blog posts, and taking care of my final medical bills.

I will say, if anyone actually reads this and you ever receive medical bills while you aren’t currently making any income (even if you have savings), apply for financial assistance on the back of your bill or by calling in about it. I had over $1.5K of expenses written off by doing that.

During the day I spent a good amount of time texting groups and people to coordinate travel plans to Chicago to visit friends, and New York to record. I finally got Dan to respond and we whittled it down to the first weekend of March, still waiting for exact timing though so I can book.

Throughout the day Carly initiated a conversation so we went back and forth about her hair color and potential associations with porn stars, which turned into a conversation about the morality of the porn industry and the concept of porn itself, which became a personal discussion about our stances on casual sex from brief mentions in recent conversations, which became a discussion about what is meaningless sex vs. just uncommitted but still has meaning, which turned into talking about how she has raised her standards after making at least one mistake.

The conversation to a bigger tangent to the subject of how men and women are expected to behave in public vs. private. That got me talking about how I think I accidentally scare women off when I’ve spoken with them for a while and then plainly tell them that I like them. I now guess that the assumption is that as a man with wiener, I must be a heartless fuck-driven animal instead of someone content to get close, kiss, and better get to know her as an actual human being. Absolutely mind-boggling concept huh? It saddens and disappoints me how culturally sexist so many people are in this way.

Anyways, since we’d gotten on the subject of my struggling with being understood, and she had in recent conversations been clear, confident, and casual about being over me, I didn’t hold back asking her opinion on how to communicate with women. At first she had not problem with the issue and told her self reasons why she shouldn’t have a problem with it, but her reasons slowly turned into remembering how hurt she was by us and reasons not to talk to me about this. I apologized and explained my position based on all the information she had been giving me. It seemed that perhaps in that very conversation she was realizing that she may still have baggage from us since she no longer had another relationship or as much distraction of dating as she had previously.

By the end of that topic she acknowledged that I hadn’t had any reason not to take her at her word previously which I took as her accepting my apology for accidentally bringing up a subject that mad her upset.

Her mention of her baggage moved us back on the debate of how much of the real her I actually got to see and be with during our relationship. She said that I got all of her, but when I brought it up it seemed she’s almost forgotten that she herself had previously confirmed that I had not when I asked, and reminded her of the painful explanation she had given me about how other people, including men, had gotten to see the real her more than I did. She said I did start to get more of her again towards the end but that isn’t the most comforting and who is to say how much that really was.

It was probably getting close to late afternoon by then and after the conversation we had I was glad I hadn’t brought up the fact that I had a second date with someone I’d previously spent the whole weekend with. I had been glad not to hear about any dates she’d gone on or been going on either. I confirmed what time I should arrive and got ready before heading out.

I was super excited for the date with Rori. I wasn’t sure how much of it was her, or that we were going to have fun and do an escape room, or just the feeling a new milestone in moving forward.

Thinking about the initial contact made me nervous since it would only be the second time seeing each other ever and under much different circumstances this time than last time.

When I navigated my way to the right door and was let in I tried to act and feel as comfortable as I could, hanging up my coat and I think just giving her a good long hug and squeeze first while asking about how she felt about what she was trying to get done before I arrived.

That girl is impossible sometimes. Thankfully she was honest about it and knew she was impossible, and I’m a very patient person for this kind o thing, but apparently the 6-7pm hour for her is when she just gets tired and grumpy and doesn’t want to do anything but just be tired and grumpy until. So essentially we just hung out in her kitchen doing nothing while I was trying to learn how to deal with her in this condition. She was pretty helpful though and I learned pretty quickly not to suggest any kind of activity. Instead I basically just entertained myself by pulling her in, swaying with her, and grabbing each others butts. She did get tired of being smothered by my kisses so I tried to meet her in the middle and think I did a pretty good job.

We also got to talking about how crazy her job as a social worker was. I think it was earlier that same day she said that she had to “do a restraint” on a kid who was flipping out. Apparently the kid was ten years old, not small for his size, and just turned into a complete animal when restrained. So much so that it took three adults to execute a restraint without getting covered in spit or anything else gross the kid could think to use against them.

Somehow our silly conversation got her to ask what I would do in a hypothetical situation where I had to choose to try to shoot her with poison dart, otherwise she would try to kill me with a gun. I felt like guns are more difficult to use than most people think and that I’d like to think I would take the chance to save us both by not trying to use the dart gun but using non-lethal defense. At some point we moved the conversation to laying on her bed where she essentially tried, yet again, to tell me that I either have too high standards for myself or too low for others. She also tried to tell me that I should somehow demand more respect somehow or something like that to which I explained how my standards change the closer I choose to let someone get to me and that if people don’t give me the respect I’ve earned then I’d rather look for other people then demand respect. The topic reminded her of a poem that she wanted to show me but we had to be on our way if we didn’t want to be late for the escape room.

We found the place easily enough in time to sign waivers and find out that we were going to be the only two people participating. There could have been strangers in our group but instead we were on our own.

The escape room experience was a lot of fun overall. I’d chosen one where we started blindfolded and handcuffed. Most of the entire challenge was a series of combination locks based on clues. A couple times we got stuck for a long time and needed to use a clue to point us in the right direction which would give us a burst of progress before we would eventually get stuck. I was pretty reluctant to use clues at all, but after a while of struggling, Rori pretty easily convinced me to accept a couple. Some clues were a little iffy in their execution also which ended up needing to be kind of freebie clues.

We were only one or two clues away from completing the challenge when time ran out. The guy running our challenge told us by far that we had made it further than he’d seen any two people go, and that only 1/3 of larger groups were successful. She was pretty grumpy anyways about not winning because she’s pretty competitive. Although she told me about it, I think she was trying her best not to let me really see it. It was pretty clear that she had a good time.

I think we made a pretty good team too. We worked individually to cover more ground when we needed, and came together as partners when we needed also, or taking turns when one of us got stuck on something. I also learned that although she’s dyslexic, if her mind isn’t rearranging the numbers, she’s very fast with mental math.

After we had our picture taken and left, we saw a wine and coffee bar on the way home and thought that sounded good so she told me how to get to one that she liked. The place was nice and comfy. We took stools at the bar and ended up sharing a 3-glass flight of Spanish red wines which was very good. I tested the limits of her comfort with public affection while we shared thoughts on the differences between the glasses.

On the way out, we agreed that we were hungry so she suggested a hole-in-the-wall place she’d told me about before and talked up quite a bit. I got lucky with parking on the street in front of the window and after waiting a while in the car and in the cold, we got our food and headed back to her place.

The place we’d gotten the food from was called Gomez, and they have things called turtles which are a lot like quesadillas, but are packed with a lot more and are dome shaped like a turtle shell. It was exactly what I needed. I ate my whole one in the time Rori had eaten half of hers and felt just the right amount of full.

I think we pretty much headed to bed pretty quickly after our late night meal. It had to be probably midnight and 1am and Rori kept mentioning that she had things she hadn’t gotten done yet that she wanted to take care of tomorrow. I’m not sure how much of her reiteration was to prepare me mentally or herself.

Compared to the last weekend it seemed like we got comfortable and settled into sleep faster and easier.

Journal: 01/18/17

Got a late start after a mentally exhausting day and staying up past bed time talking with Carly.

I skipped a lot of my morning routine and pretty much just ate and did a little stretching before getting back to wrapping up yesterday’s journal post. It feels really good knowing that after tonight I’ll be completely caught up on my daily journal posting. However, that means I can work on getting caught up on the 1-off blog posts that I haven’t completed to my satisfaction yet.

After messing around with my guitar and starting to get the new filing system labels set up, I got back to the gym after 4 days of missing and got to listen to some of the podcasts I like. A few of them reminded me of things Carly and I have talked about so I shared them with her. She had already texted me a couple times earlier and the huge increase of volume in our communication began making me wonder if we are getting a little too regularly involved with each other too fast. The last thing I would want is for one of us to get hurt again.

When I got home I decided to take another look and check to see if the emails I’d been waiting for had come through. Before I actually got to doing that I decided it was time to really start going to work cleaning up my school emails which had grown to almost ~1,000 unread from the neglect of being away on leave for depression. I deleted about 900 of them tonight so my goal is to get to complete inbox zero within the next couple days.

I also did reach back out to my contact at school and at the nonprofit organization that I have been meaning to stay in contact with which was nice to finally move on my to-do list.

This reminded me about all the files on my computer that were still not synced up with the cloud and in my photo library the way I wanted. Checked they were almost ready so I spent some time fiddling with my contact groups and then was able to get to work sorting and deleting photos and adding them in the albums I wanted. Now it’ll probably take a few days for those updates to save so I can move on.

I listened to some more podcasts and snacked in the kitchen while I cooked myself some salmon. After I ate I was feeling a little sick so I took come vitamins and made myself a cup of sleepy time tea and headed up to finally call and catch up with Joe.

Joe and I had quite a bit to catch up on and we still weren’t able to cover everything. He only had a couple big updates since school keeps him busy, but thankfully he’s feeling comfortable with his workload and routine and he’s been talking with a nice guy for a while now.

I updated him mostly on Carly stuff since there have been so many developments there since we last spoke. Coincidentally, Carly tried to call me on the other line while I was talking to him, but I told her I’d call her later. I also told him a little bit about music coming together which I think he was excited about and wants to hear sometime. He was happy to hear that I was able to handle things and get some closure, but he was also up the same question I had about making sure not to get too close to let either of us get hurt again.

When I called her back, Carly said she just had something quick to tell me. She told me that she wanted to tell me something nice because she knew that I could use it right now. She told me that she loves me and that I’m very important to her. I think this was essentially the same sentiment that I told her when we first got back in touch that she was such a huge and positive and important influence on my life that I would probably always love her. At least I think that she meant the same thing but I asked if she could describe it. She said she didn’t really know. I said I get that it’s complicated and she agreed. I thanked her for telling me and we hung up. I hope we’re not on track for one of us to get hurt like I was worried about. She did seem much happier on the phone to tell me this than she has been lately. Maybe it’s because it felt good to her to help me by telling me good things. I’m just not in a place to read into it so I’m not going to and I’ll have to talk with her about it more later.

Right as we were wrapping up, Kyndrea was calling on the other line. What a great night full of talking with friends. I gave her some of the same updates as Joe about getting back in contact and looking for things to accept and move on from, and feeling good about being able to help her and make amens in a way for how terrible I was at the end. She also encouraged me not to punish and be hard on myself so I told her what I’ve been learning about very long and deep seeded patterns that were hurting myself and those around me. I also got to hear a little about her unfortunate school disappointments and we also discussed general similarities we have when it comes to relationships. She asked about Arie and Cully too so I got an excuse to gush about them and follow-up our call by sending her some videos I have of them.

Now it’s bedtime. Goodnight.

Journal: 01/17/17

I spent the entire day getting almost fully caught up on my journaling. It took forever because the last 5 days were pretty eventful so I ended up writing about 10,000 words which I’m not sure if that’s a lot for a whole day, but not really considering myself a writer it felt like a ton and some of the strain to remember and sort through the emotional impact of things was pretty exhausting. I just hope I remembered the most important stuff and got it accurately.

I quite literally did almost nothing else except for eat, and take breaks between posts to rest my brain which was feeling burnt out. By the end of the night I was working very slowly while the TV was on to a criminal investigation show.

At about 10:30 I got a text from Carly that New Guy who she was trying to get over had gotten a new girlfriend. She didn’t really say anything else but I assumed that was a pretty big deal to her to I texted back and when she didn’t respond I gave her a call.

She was pretty upset about it. Much of the conversation was similar to another recent one where she felt manipulated and used my him to go out there and now she felt disposable and replaceable. I told her that the more I heard about this guy the worse I thought of him and that he didn’t really deserve for her to care about him. She agreed, but feelings don’t listen to reason. To try to make her feel better, I reminded her how irreplaceable she’s been to me for the last almost… 9 months now (holy crap) since I haven’t really been able to fully move on and I think that seemed to help her a little.

I tried to tell her not to be too hard on herself for not really knowing him because even with un-manipulative people it’s possible to know someone for a long time and not really know them at all. She asked if that was a dig at her and it could have been, but I meant it in a lot of ways. In many ways I still held on to fear of problems that we had early in our relationship that she had done a very good job of growing from. I also know that relationships in my close family often times feel like they can’t fully see who I am today because of who they’ve known me as in the past.

There was an understandable amount of venting which was a little reminiscent and strange for me to be in this emotional support position in this situation, but as always, it feels good to get whatever small feeling of redemption I can for helping her after being such a blind jerk to her at the end.

As she reflected on how terrible he is/was, at one point she apologized to me that he was the guy she ran to so quickly after me that it encouraged my insecurity and inadequacy. She also apologized that I found out about them when she called in the deepest depth of my depression. I appreciated the apologies, but she didn’t do anything wrong and I was going to find those things out eventually so I’m glad they happened sooner than later. The other good thing was that now, in hindsight and hearing about how much of a selfish manipulative jerk that guy was helps me to feel less insecure and inadequate than if he actually had been an amazing guy (although I did tell her she deserved an amazing guy).

Although it may be a bit of an exaggeration by her fresh and heightened emotions, it was a relief to hear her say that he’s not even in the same league of human being that I’m in. Even though it was difficult for her to talk about how her last two relationships (including me) were with emotionally unavailable guys, I was relieved to hear her say that she knew that I at least “tried so hard” to be available even though I was just blind and unable to see in order to do anything at the time. We talked about how she knew what I was feeling when I didn’t and how almost all of the things I’ve learned are things she knew and tried to tell be but I just couldn’t see.

We briefly acknowledged again how badly we screwed up in our relationship, which was strange and again made me wonder if there could ever be a day where we’ve learned and become the right kind of person for each other at the right time some day in the future, but I didn’t let myself entertain that much at all since it wouldn’t be soon and definitely wasn’t now.

She talked a little bit about how the thought of being emotionally shut down herself is appealing, and would be an ironic reversal of our positions, but I told her all that is a lie and it eventually finds a painful way out that you pay for later. I told her that she’s her own person, but that I hoped she wouldn’t do anything desperate or reckless to try to numb or run from the pain of acknowledging that she has feelings. She thought I meant suicide but I tried to explain that I was talking about anything that would be treating herself poorly or like less than she is. I’m not sure if she fully understood but I hope she did.

There was more to the convo that I can’t remember or wasn’t significant, but that’s pretty much the note we left on after talking for an hour and a half and I went straight to sleep.

Journal: 01/16/17

I kept waking up on the couch at Amanda’s and going back to sleep after re-situating with Chavi the pup who was doing a good job of keeping me warm and comfy. He was a good little snuggle buddy since I wasn’t successful with any of the girls I liked that night.

We didn’t really get moving until around 2pm so by the time we got out for some food it was already happy hour again which was a very strange feeling.

At one part during our breakfast/dinner I thought I saw Meaghan walk by outside. I ran out to say hi but when I passed her while she was turning into a shop I saw her face wasn’t Meaghan and I got scared off. As I was running away it registered just how gorgeous she was. Part of me wish I had stopped her so that I had an excuse to talk to her and see if she was nice, but I didn’t go back to check for her until she was already gone. Another hard lesson in talking to girls, it’s now or never so I hope next time I say something when you can so I don’t have to wonder “what if.”

Driving home I think I pretty much just tried to find music to listen to that helped time go by. I don’t remember really thinking too much on the drive except trying to remember all the things that had happened over the weekend. Jillian also messaged me about having the call we were supposed to have which reminded me that I was supposed to talk to Carly that night too so I was thinking about that too on the way home.

At home I finally got to shower after not really having much chance to over the weekend. It felt so good to get clean and get all comfy and settled to talk to Jillian and then Carly.

My convo with Jillian was nice. It was pretty heavy on my stuff but I told her I’d like to hear more about her soon. There was barely enough time to give her the story up to the point of coming home, but we were able to laugh together about how ridiculous my depression was able to do at a few points. I also tried to explain to her what it was like since she hadn’t really been able to relate when her brother had gone through similar difficulties.

Then Carly called. We spoke from about 8 to 11:30. Thankfully it wasn’t a very difficult conversation like some of the previous ones. We talked about how I’ve been doing an what I’ve been up to which got us on the topic of my new attempts at cooking. I used that as an opportunity to apologize for not doing more cooking for us when we were together. She told me how she adopted some of my really easy cooking habits since her emotions from her latest breakup give her a regular upset stomach and she didn’t care as much about taking time to cook. Now she makes hard boiled eggs like I used to and I make little muffin tin omelets which I learned because she used to. We found a couple other examples I can’t remember about how we’ve switched places in some of the things we used to do.

As we were wrapping up and saying goodnight, I decided to tell her some of the ways I felt about our last long, difficult call. I told her about how I know I did a lot of things wrong and it may seem like I’m coming to terms with it since I’m apologizing for them so much, but that it still really hurts if she makes seemingly harmless or joking references to how I sucked unless she has a real point in bringing it up for us to discuss. She seemed to be ok with that.

Then I told her about some of the less obvious ways that the last conversation affected me like just hearing about her new lifestyle and personal opinions. Her life seems so completely different than what I knew of her for so long that it’s a bit confusing and distressing emotionally to try to think about what that might mean. It makes me feel even more like I never really knew her at all.

I also told her I knew it’s not my place to ask or tell her how to live, and I don’t judge, but hearing about some of her meaningless encounters with men made me sad in some complicated ways. It wasn’t so much that she was with someone besides me, what bothered me was the possibility that she was giving such a precious thing to people who might not deserve such a gift. Essentially, I was just hoping that, if anyone, she would be sharing her beautiful self with men who were good people and deserved to be cared for in that way instead of rewarding manipulative, slimy guys for being terrible people.

It took a while to explain that to her that I didn’t know how she was meeting these guys or what they were like, but since I didn’t know, by feelings reacted to the whole range of possibilities based on what little I knew. I think she understood, but not really being able to know my thoughts, she said that I made her feel like a whore. I hope that the more I’ve explained, the more she understands that’s not what I think or how I would want her to feel. It’s exactly because I think she’s not one that I hope she’s not rewarding and getting too close to soulless man-whores instead of decent men.

Journal: 01/09/17

I cooked all day. ALL. DAY. First thing in the morning I made some muffin tin eggs.

Then after a moderate break, I went ahead and cooked 4 other meals, each with 5 servings to last the whole week. 5 meals a day for 5 days.

It was fun and rewarding, and I was proud of what I had accomplished by the and but gee whiz was I tired. I finished cooking and cleaning around 7pm maybe. Just in time to wind down a bit, eat one of the dinners I made since I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, then start heading for an early bedtime.

However, when I was getting in bed Lepsch called and I gave him an update on some of the things that happened over the weekend with Carly’s call on Friday and visiting in Columbus. He shared his thoughts on how she had been doing from his handful of conversations with her.

Then Carly called on the other line. Since it was unexpected I wasn’t sure if it meant something bad had happened. She was upset. It turned out her ex after me had done something which let her know that he was seeing someone else. She said she felt insignificant and that she meant nothing to him. I told her how many people she did mean something to including me, and how many people who thought her blog was worth listening to and sharing. After that she was feeling stupid for moving out to Cali for him at all, which is understandable. When she said he shouldn’t have asked her to go out there to be with him I had to agree whole heartedly that he should have know she wasn’t in a place to be making big and drastic decisions like that for some one else. I also tried to tell her not to be so hard on herself for making a mistake during a challenging time like that.

She described some things about him which made me ask if he was even much of a decent guy at all, and it seems like he wasn’t really. I told her it didn’t seem like he deserved to be cried over and she asked me how I was able to talk to her, especially when she needed my support to get over him, without taking it as a reflection on myself. I think the two thing I said was that 1) I know at the end I wasn’t being myself and didn’t deserve her and that she’ll always be important to me, and 2) that getting to help her any way I can helps me to feel like I’m no longer being the person I was with her at the end who didn’t or couldn’t make her enough of a priority.

Then I called Lepsch back again and told him what happened. He didn’t seem surprised at all and said he had picked up on some stuff from their conversations.

I’m not sure exactly what it was about the interaction it was, if it was that I got to be there for her, if it’s because it had very little to do with me, if it was getting to hear that New Guy isn’t that great of a person after all, or if it was some kind of relief to know she’s also struggling like me even if it’s not directly about me. Whatever it was, something helped me go to bed easier without dwelling on or worrying about our conversation like I had with past ones which was a pretty huge relief.

 

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