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Anonyst Man

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Journal: 02/06/17-02/09/17

Mon, 6th – Groggy in the morning from the long weekend, the day of sleep, and the sleeping pill, I worked on music for a while and made some progress I felt good about. I am feeling like I’m not quite as close to done as I’ve been thinking. As I get further and further the progress gets smaller and more detailed. There are also a few songs that I’m a little stuck on because they are about events from long ago and I’m trying to make them more energetic than is my natural strength. In the evening I got Dan on the phone to talk through my schedule to go out and record, and we also agreed to working on pre-production beforehand remotely so I’ve already sent him my word doc with the songs and I’m going to try to record and send him garageband demo tracks to get a feel and play around also. Got to speak with Lepsch after that convo and unfortunately he won’t be in NY at all while I’m there but it was still good to catch up a bit. Made tea and got back to reading The Power of Now which feels like the time is right to get back to after all the progress I at least feel like I’ve made with coming closer to terms with the reality of the past and current situation with Carly (spoke too soon?).

Tues, 7th – My therapy session with Leah was late enough in the morning that I was able to do some journaling (starting this very post I think). In session, I basically got her caught up on the last few weekends consisting of my date weekend with Rori where we did an escape room, the past weekend when I visited school, and in between where I went crazy and organized the house top-t0-bottom for over ten hours. After our session while I was sitting in my car with some coffee in the gym parking lot I did some research on the influence and affects that drugs can have on mental illness. I know overall drugs do more to accelerate mental illness than reduce it, but from my last experience on the Feb 3rd above, it felt like an exercise where I was able to learn better than previously to separate what was in my head and what was reality. Once home and washed up, I tried to record music for Dan but ended up just fighting with and updating my old iPad’s setup. I finally ordered some socks and undies I wanted to try and maybe stock up on later if I liked them. There was also a pretty feeble attempt to plan flights for the next few months, but I couldn’t really pull the trigger with some gaps in my plan that could screw things up.

Wed, 8th – Most of my day is covered HERE. In addition to that, I also spoke with Dean Fran in the morning and Alex Neumann about returning to school and about participating in some form of speaking program about mental health in school. The rest of my day consisted of reaching out to friends for support about the back-stabbing I’d found out about, taking a bath, drinking, and taking a cocktail of pills to make sure I would be completely unconscious through the night. Almost everyone I spoke with were incredibly supportive and sensitive to my situation, but Rachel and maybe a couple others (who have cheated) tried to explain how it happens or come up with ways that it could have been worse. That didn’t really feel like genuine support to me.

Thurs, 9th – The drugs and alcohol really did the trick. I was completely unconscious through night without even a shred of dreams to remember I don’t think. I was not in much of a hurry to do anything, and I was planning on getting back to the gym sometime but kept letting myself get distracted and was fine with that. Eventually I made it to the gym and booked my flights to Barcelona, Morocco, and back. Still have to lock  down travel for my flight to NY for recording though. I’ll be leaving from that trip straight out of NY to Morocco so March is going t be a complete whirlwind. I am nervous and really hope we get all the recording done on my trip so I’ll be trying to work on music during the next couple weeks.

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Journal: 01/29/17-02/01/17

Wow. REALLY let the last month get away from me. Not for no reason, but I’ll have to figure out how to stay on top of journaling when I’m back in the craziness of school.

Sun, 29th – I left her place relatively early for us. It took some resolve not to initiate anything physical again that would end up keeping me there for longer than she needed. Getting home early in the afternoon I did some stretching, listen to podcasts, and spent several hours that evening and night writing my posts about the weekend and completing a longer 1-off post about a big conversation that had happened weeks ago but I hadn’t been emotionally ready to relive until then.

At home, Carly also sent me a song on Spotify that was about the singer asking if there was another man. As I listened to it, it said a lot of things that I had been feeling and actually included lines that were almost identical to the ones I’d written in songs. She told me she would only listen to it in her car for a week or two feeling sad and guilty because she wouldn’t listen around New Guy. Although I do care about her and want to remain, there is a small voice that pops up and asks why I am choosing to stay in touch with someone who made a plan and left me for someone else, even though she says she didn’t leave me for him because she didn’t think he’d follow through.

Knowing that I would be visiting Chicago over the coming weekend, I was curious and asked Rori how she is expecting me to operate on the occasion that I meet someone that I am attracted to and want to get close to. Her response was that we aren’t in a relationship and to do whatever I was comfortable with as long as I wouldn’t feel any need to lie to her about it. That confused me since I’ve always been in a relationship where the line of what is appropriate is always clear ahead of time. I started thinking out loud about how we aren’t nothing, and realized maybe the best way to put it was that I am dating and that she is someone I’ve gone on dates with and that’s really all the expectation there is. In that moment my mind kind of exploded and expanded to understanding a whole new bigger world of reality that everyone else had known, but I’d manage to avoid really understanding.

It was like learning Santa isn’t real: beforehand, you kind of know but aren’t sure what the alternative means, then the whole world looks different and makes more sense with this new information, and there is simultaneously a kind of loss of innocence that tends to come with the steps of growing up.

Mon, 30th – I spent the majority of the day around the house, communicating and thinking about plans for my birthday celebrations in Cincinnati and Columbus.

Tues, 31st  – Mostly I continued to confirm people and plans for my Cincinnati birthday and my upcoming visit to Chicago. In the evening I had accidentally started preheating the oven with the pans that end up getting stored there still inside. I decided that I’d find a new place for them soon, which I knew could mean rearranging other storage areas to make room for them.

Wed, Feb 1st – In the morning I decided to move some of the items I decided to bring back to Chicago that I’d left in the living room down to the basement. Doing that reminded me that I’d meant to rearrange the pots in the kitchen. As I suspected, in order to make useful room for the pans and cooking skeets in the oven, I ended up going through all of the cabinets that held other kitchen ware, pots, tupperware, and appliances. I guessed what could be thrown out and re-organized things along with other items they’d likely be used with. As I was going through the kitchen, I found seasonal serving bowls and other items that made more sense in the basement with other seldom-used items. After bringing those things down and putting them in the best place I could think, I kept finding other areas to straighten up. The laundry area had a heap or two of trash rags and items that needed to be thrown out. Since I was there, I also re-arranged and organized the shelving and other laundry items. Next to the laundry is the “utility closet” kind of area that contained a heap of paint cans and home improvement and car supplies. I moved and organized all the paint cans out of the way and organized the separate car, home improvement, and yard care items. I headed back to the kitchen where I’d left a bunch of plastic travel cups to find a place for. I realized the closet where the reusable/lunch bags are would be a good place for them. As I went through the closet to make room I started finding stashes of candles that I started gathering on the table to bring into the basement later. As I had worked my way through the basement and closet, I also kept finding stashes of papers that had indiscriminately held onto in case they ended up being necessary. As I collected these, I realized the spare room closet might be the best and biggest place to keep all theses things together and close enough to sort through easily. Making room for all those papers meant clearing room out of the spare closet and it seemed the upstairs hall closet would be a better place for a lot of the clothing. By the time I had fully done all the reorganizing and straightening-up, I checked the time and realized that I had been working for over ten hours nonstop. The sense of accomplishment felt really satisfying, but part of me wondered if this was a symptom of a pattern where I feel compelled immersed in completing a task I’m focused on to the best and fullest of my ability. I decided I would bring this up with my therapist to see if this should raise any flags about bipolar or something not diagnosed yet.

At the end of the day, I got to help my technologically challenged Momma set up her own bitmoji that she’d been wanting for a while.

 

Journal: 02/13/17

Switching back over to individual day posts while getting caught up because this is getting out of hand.

Whipped myself up some fried egg with guac and fresh salsa for brekky after waking up at a reasonable hour and not spending a completely excessive amount of time in bed listening to music and coaxing myself up.

I spent basically all of the morning starting what will be the last song on my album in light of the true nature of the end of my relationship. There is a lot to it and a lot to remember but I think I got all, and if not I’m sure the rest will come to me. I am glad that I took some time away just because it would have been too exhausting to try to grind it out while it was still fresh. I don’t think any of my feelings have changed at all though, and I can’t see them changing any time soon.

It’s a lot. I’m not sure how I’m going to get everything that I have to say in its fullest yet densest, without creating a 10 minute song but if that’s what it takes to do it right I guess I shouldn’t worry about how long the average song is. This one isn’t the average song. Working on it made me realize that in order to continue my intention not to look back or give any more thought or attention to her at all anymore, I’ll never be able to play any of these songs again once they are completed and laid to rest. I think I’m still perfectly ok with that, and if anything, would rather just work on a forward-looking album instead. It might get awkward to have to turn any close friends or family down who may ask to hear me play live though.

While I would have preferred to make progress on my other existing songs, I couldn’t help but organize a little more and add to my notes for songs that would be in a second album. I’m trying not to think about that any further than taking down any thoughts or ideas as they come to me naturally. I still haven’t gotten a response from Dan about landing time, and also had the idea of having someone filming a little bit in the studio while we’re working. I’m thinking either Sean or maybe someone Dan knows.

My writing breaks consisted of finally sorting through (but not paying or calling about) my last batch of bills from the apartment in Chicago, eating, just playing some songs on my guitar, practicing a little rope work for tomorrow, reviewing email, and trying to register for Spring classes, and more eating. Although I wasn’t able to get registration completed for reasons beyond my control, I should be able to get it all done in R2 without any issue.

By the time I knew I couldn’t do any more about registration for the day, it was a little later than I felt comfortable with about going to the gym and getting my energy up since I wanted to go to sleep earlier and wake up earlier.

I texted my closest friends up at school and they were excited. I’m very excited, but nervous to the extent that is probably normal and that I should feel, but not much more or less.

We’re having a boy! His name is Lepsch Junior. They showed me his penis.

Throughout the day and evening, along with school friends, I also had conversation with Rori planning our date tomorrow, got to know Harper a little better, and messaged with Nathalie and Lisa. That is a lot of talking with different girls. I don’t think I feel weird about it thought for multiple reasons. First there wouldn’t be anything wrong with dating around even if I was. Second, I’m not even sure what my intentions are with half of them. Third, I’m only actually seeing one of them and we have established we are not in a relationship. It is kind of nice to feel ok and ready to start to get back out there as just another step towards putting things behind me and moving forward.

My brain is too tired to try to remember any more stuff. Night night.

Journal: 01/27/17

I’ll fly through all the boring stuff about actually getting up and moving almost at my target time, stretching, trying to catch up on some of the big side-story blog posts, and taking care of my final medical bills.

I will say, if anyone actually reads this and you ever receive medical bills while you aren’t currently making any income (even if you have savings), apply for financial assistance on the back of your bill or by calling in about it. I had over $1.5K of expenses written off by doing that.

During the day I spent a good amount of time texting groups and people to coordinate travel plans to Chicago to visit friends, and New York to record. I finally got Dan to respond and we whittled it down to the first weekend of March, still waiting for exact timing though so I can book.

Throughout the day Carly initiated a conversation so we went back and forth about her hair color and potential associations with porn stars, which turned into a conversation about the morality of the porn industry and the concept of porn itself, which became a personal discussion about our stances on casual sex from brief mentions in recent conversations, which became a discussion about what is meaningless sex vs. just uncommitted but still has meaning, which turned into talking about how she has raised her standards after making at least one mistake.

The conversation to a bigger tangent to the subject of how men and women are expected to behave in public vs. private. That got me talking about how I think I accidentally scare women off when I’ve spoken with them for a while and then plainly tell them that I like them. I now guess that the assumption is that as a man with wiener, I must be a heartless fuck-driven animal instead of someone content to get close, kiss, and better get to know her as an actual human being. Absolutely mind-boggling concept huh? It saddens and disappoints me how culturally sexist so many people are in this way.

Anyways, since we’d gotten on the subject of my struggling with being understood, and she had in recent conversations been clear, confident, and casual about being over me, I didn’t hold back asking her opinion on how to communicate with women. At first she had not problem with the issue and told her self reasons why she shouldn’t have a problem with it, but her reasons slowly turned into remembering how hurt she was by us and reasons not to talk to me about this. I apologized and explained my position based on all the information she had been giving me. It seemed that perhaps in that very conversation she was realizing that she may still have baggage from us since she no longer had another relationship or as much distraction of dating as she had previously.

By the end of that topic she acknowledged that I hadn’t had any reason not to take her at her word previously which I took as her accepting my apology for accidentally bringing up a subject that mad her upset.

Her mention of her baggage moved us back on the debate of how much of the real her I actually got to see and be with during our relationship. She said that I got all of her, but when I brought it up it seemed she’s almost forgotten that she herself had previously confirmed that I had not when I asked, and reminded her of the painful explanation she had given me about how other people, including men, had gotten to see the real her more than I did. She said I did start to get more of her again towards the end but that isn’t the most comforting and who is to say how much that really was.

It was probably getting close to late afternoon by then and after the conversation we had I was glad I hadn’t brought up the fact that I had a second date with someone I’d previously spent the whole weekend with. I had been glad not to hear about any dates she’d gone on or been going on either. I confirmed what time I should arrive and got ready before heading out.

I was super excited for the date with Rori. I wasn’t sure how much of it was her, or that we were going to have fun and do an escape room, or just the feeling a new milestone in moving forward.

Thinking about the initial contact made me nervous since it would only be the second time seeing each other ever and under much different circumstances this time than last time.

When I navigated my way to the right door and was let in I tried to act and feel as comfortable as I could, hanging up my coat and I think just giving her a good long hug and squeeze first while asking about how she felt about what she was trying to get done before I arrived.

That girl is impossible sometimes. Thankfully she was honest about it and knew she was impossible, and I’m a very patient person for this kind o thing, but apparently the 6-7pm hour for her is when she just gets tired and grumpy and doesn’t want to do anything but just be tired and grumpy until. So essentially we just hung out in her kitchen doing nothing while I was trying to learn how to deal with her in this condition. She was pretty helpful though and I learned pretty quickly not to suggest any kind of activity. Instead I basically just entertained myself by pulling her in, swaying with her, and grabbing each others butts. She did get tired of being smothered by my kisses so I tried to meet her in the middle and think I did a pretty good job.

We also got to talking about how crazy her job as a social worker was. I think it was earlier that same day she said that she had to “do a restraint” on a kid who was flipping out. Apparently the kid was ten years old, not small for his size, and just turned into a complete animal when restrained. So much so that it took three adults to execute a restraint without getting covered in spit or anything else gross the kid could think to use against them.

Somehow our silly conversation got her to ask what I would do in a hypothetical situation where I had to choose to try to shoot her with poison dart, otherwise she would try to kill me with a gun. I felt like guns are more difficult to use than most people think and that I’d like to think I would take the chance to save us both by not trying to use the dart gun but using non-lethal defense. At some point we moved the conversation to laying on her bed where she essentially tried, yet again, to tell me that I either have too high standards for myself or too low for others. She also tried to tell me that I should somehow demand more respect somehow or something like that to which I explained how my standards change the closer I choose to let someone get to me and that if people don’t give me the respect I’ve earned then I’d rather look for other people then demand respect. The topic reminded her of a poem that she wanted to show me but we had to be on our way if we didn’t want to be late for the escape room.

We found the place easily enough in time to sign waivers and find out that we were going to be the only two people participating. There could have been strangers in our group but instead we were on our own.

The escape room experience was a lot of fun overall. I’d chosen one where we started blindfolded and handcuffed. Most of the entire challenge was a series of combination locks based on clues. A couple times we got stuck for a long time and needed to use a clue to point us in the right direction which would give us a burst of progress before we would eventually get stuck. I was pretty reluctant to use clues at all, but after a while of struggling, Rori pretty easily convinced me to accept a couple. Some clues were a little iffy in their execution also which ended up needing to be kind of freebie clues.

We were only one or two clues away from completing the challenge when time ran out. The guy running our challenge told us by far that we had made it further than he’d seen any two people go, and that only 1/3 of larger groups were successful. She was pretty grumpy anyways about not winning because she’s pretty competitive. Although she told me about it, I think she was trying her best not to let me really see it. It was pretty clear that she had a good time.

I think we made a pretty good team too. We worked individually to cover more ground when we needed, and came together as partners when we needed also, or taking turns when one of us got stuck on something. I also learned that although she’s dyslexic, if her mind isn’t rearranging the numbers, she’s very fast with mental math.

After we had our picture taken and left, we saw a wine and coffee bar on the way home and thought that sounded good so she told me how to get to one that she liked. The place was nice and comfy. We took stools at the bar and ended up sharing a 3-glass flight of Spanish red wines which was very good. I tested the limits of her comfort with public affection while we shared thoughts on the differences between the glasses.

On the way out, we agreed that we were hungry so she suggested a hole-in-the-wall place she’d told me about before and talked up quite a bit. I got lucky with parking on the street in front of the window and after waiting a while in the car and in the cold, we got our food and headed back to her place.

The place we’d gotten the food from was called Gomez, and they have things called turtles which are a lot like quesadillas, but are packed with a lot more and are dome shaped like a turtle shell. It was exactly what I needed. I ate my whole one in the time Rori had eaten half of hers and felt just the right amount of full.

I think we pretty much headed to bed pretty quickly after our late night meal. It had to be probably midnight and 1am and Rori kept mentioning that she had things she hadn’t gotten done yet that she wanted to take care of tomorrow. I’m not sure how much of her reiteration was to prepare me mentally or herself.

Compared to the last weekend it seemed like we got comfortable and settled into sleep faster and easier.

Journal: 01/26/17

Going to sleep early last night, even though it took me a while to fall asleep, paid off. I was actually able to get up pretty close to my alarm and used my time tracker to clock how long it was taking me to get out of bed which I think helped that too.

My old man hips took about 4o min to roll out on a lacrosse ball to feel thoroughly worked on.

Getting back to meditation for the second day in a row felt good too. I remembered the reason I stopped was from discomfort in my back from sitting on the floor the whole time. I think I could tell today how much rolling out on the lacrosse ball and a few weeks of core work has made sitting unsupported more comfortable.

I squeezed in brunch and headed off to therapy. I caught my therapist up on the past week’s events and how I was feeling. I was strange but refreshing to have a girl besides Carly to talk about now. We talked a little bit about how it was also weird to me that I was now in contact with a music producer, making plans to record, and that I might actually complete an album that I hadn’t really intended to make at first. We also discussed my upcoming visit to Evanston, and the prospect of having a story time with anyone in the university who was interested in hearing what I’ve been through. I told her that I think my intentions aren’t for attention or sympathy but I have this nagging doubt and negativity that keeps trying to dissuade me. I think if I did it in the right way that I would benefit from the opportunity to put it all behind me, and that there are likely at least some others who would benefit from what I’ve learned the hard way. I’ll probably talk to a couple people about my idea when I’m up there.

After an exhausting workout I texted with Rori and found out that she’s available this weekend. Since she was feeling stressed out and was still at work I looked up and booked an escape the room reservation for us tomorrow. They’re going to blindfold and handcuff us. I’m pretty excited.

Coming home to shower and eat, I worked on the blog post that I still haven’t completed about the first long phone conversation I recently had with Carly where we really got to catch up and hear about each other’s lives and what we’ve been learning.

I had to take a break after an hour because it was harder work than I thought and I was exhausted so I relaxed by playing and singing a couple of my songs for a while.

Once I was done with that I got thinking about changes that I’ve been thinking of making to my categories and items in my time logger app. I spent a while creating new items and reorganizing them with the ones I already have to get a good amount closer to a setup that I think will allow me to easily track 90% of my time with a meaningful and useful designation.

Then, after eating and wasting a little time, I got back to the journaling until Carson, one of my old volunteer kids who’s now 22, called me. He was driving from Dayton to Columbus and decided to give me a call with his free time. He asked what I was doing so I told him about my journaling and he asked a handful of questions that happened to have kind of heavy answers. The heavy subjects made him wonder if I was feeling down so I told him some of the more recent fun stuff going on which I think made him feel a little better.

Pretty much the rest of the night after that was drinking mimosas and wine and watching Scandal and Con Air. Not bad if you ask me.

Now I’m trying to decide whether or not to eat my 5th meal of the day as planned or if I’m tired enough to just go to sleep.

Journal: 01/25/17

Today got off to a pretty good start, moving relatively quickly through my morning routine, eating a couple baby omelettes, stretching my old man hips, meditating. Along the way I was thinking about shifting my attention off myself and relationship stuff for a while and back onto my practices of mindfulness, meditation, and improving my effectiveness with my time. I revisited the time logging app that I have gotten lazy with because I thought I found a better alternative that tries to estimate for me how I’m using my time, but that thing has been pretty useless so far.

I’m still tweaking how to use and when to log certain items. More often than I’d like to admit, if I’m just thinking about how I could be spending my time right now, that’s doesn’t really count as anything useful and I should start the timer for “wasting time” to get my booty in shape to get to take real actions or coordination of action.

I listened to some music that the producer Dan sent to me which I liked and reminded me of some of my influences, but as to be expected I did have a couple feelings about how I am going for something slightly different.

I also made progress on my continual tug-of war to stay up to date with journaling. Weekends always make it hard and I’ll get caught up right before the next weekend screws everything up again.

Once I’d had some coffee and enough time for it to take effect I went to the gym and listened to The Dollup podcast which might be my favorite and great length for the gym if only they published every day.

On my way home I grabbed a refill of my scripts thanks to using a handy-dandy reminder. After showering, changing, and eating, I managed to waste another hour and a half which I think was mostly spend texting back and forth with Rori trying to figure out what she was capable of eating and would like if I made on Valentine’s Day. It was so painful pulling an answer out of her since she simultaneously can’t eat my favorite things, and also couldn’t say anything that sounded nice or special to her. She might be even less of a foodie than me which is impressive and I’m not sure if that would annoy me or endear me more over time.

While I had dinner Lepsch called. We talked about music copywriting, how my conversation with Dan went, and I told him the story of Rori (heh). He asked if I liked her and I didn’t really know what to say. I said that I like things about her and listed some, but I’m not exactly sure if that’s already turned into really feeling like I know and like this person enough to be able to confidently say to. I think I might, but I’m not sure. It’s also a little difficult not to wonder what those feelings would mean to becoming some kind of actual relationship, regardless of how casual or serious it is. Any thoughts from my 13 followers?

I was going to do some of my own journaling again right after dinner, but ended up perusing some posts from someone who had liked a pretty solid number of my posts. It was my first real exploration of what other people do with their blogs. Very different from my method of posting a high volume of daily journals and having 13 followers, she had maybe about 20 posts total I think with about six-hundred-something followers, and seemed to have been published in Huffington post a few times. I’m not sure whether her intention was to accomplish those things or if people just liked her content that much that it happened organically, but that seemed pretty impressive to me. It was also my first time really reading anything that included personal stories from a stranger in another country that I was able to relate to some of and wonder whether I would be friends with this person if we met in real life. I’m still so baby-fresh to this whole blogging world. It’s intimidating and exciting. I’m content over here just doing my own little thing.

Now that I think I’m all caught up with the daily junk, and I’m pretty exhausted, I’m going to see if I go to bed an hour early if that will help me get up earlier and fully on schedule. Here’s to hoping. Goodnight my few special buddies.

 

 

Journal: 12/20/16

I am the world champion of not waking up with my alarm. It’s the worst talent ever. I didn’t even bother trying to snooze the thing eventually and was able to just go back to sleep with the thing buzzing at me. Maybe I should try hypnosis-therapy or something like smokers.

Spent the next few HOURS in bed tinkering with the phone: downloading new apps, fiddling with how it’s organized, trying to figure out the smartest way to use the gestures to open common apps. Also the time logger free version sucked for iOS so I had to pay for the “upgraded” version which was only slightly different from the free android one, but if I use the damn thing it should be worth it.

After yoga and the rest of my daily rituals, it was around 3 and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I’ve got to find a strategy to really always have a clear next thing lined up.

I’m sure I felt things and should have logged them in my wordpress mobile app to pick up here, but new habits are hard, and I’m working on so many of them. The little constant vigilance ones like logging feelings and tracking time are the hardest for sure. So tedious, but I think would have a huuuge impact if done consistently. It’s difficult when feelings hit while driving, which is common because pop songs have a lot of content that can be an easy trigger for my recurring guilt, shame, and pain from knowing that I was blind and didn’t deserve her at the end.

After eating today, I got suuuper sleepy and almost fell asleep but I got up and fought it off with come coffee. I think waiting a  long time to eat and then having a big bowl of carbs was unwise. If anything, it builds a stronger case for me to get on a more steady and balanced meal plan to give me more energy. I’ve been living the opposite and it is dragging me down.

I think I picked up the guitar for a while today maybe, but mostly was research possible short term volunteer work while listening to a podcast when Rach called and I put everything on pause to have some neat facetime with her. It was good, but I wasn’t able to make much progress on the research before I decided it was getting late and I needed to head to the gym.

After my workout I was trying to meditate in the sauna with some dude talking loudly on the phone the whole time about promoting mix tapes and collaborating with people. So many n-words. Made it hard to concentrate on the meditation, but that might have been a good challenge and I think I was able to do fairly well still actually.

When I was done meditating, I somehow got to thinking about going back to school and telling my story to people. My thoughts took me to thinking about how the best way to manage a person like me is to earn our trust and loyalty and we will bleed for you. That when people like me make a mistake, we see it as a fundamental betrayal of our core value of loyalty, and it’s a massive opportunity for a manager or leader to understand us and support us through failure as opposed to criticizing. We’ve already dwelled on what is wrong with us. If that opportunity to support is given,then you’ve just gained someone who would ride with you into certain death. That’s something I would be wise to learn to harness for my own success as well.

Just how fundamental loyalty is as a value of mine was a bit of a revelation to me. I knew that I honored and cared about it, but I guess in the past I’ve mainly used the word trust and honesty which are very similar, but they don’t fully capture it without loyalty as well.

In the shower I had some ideas for telling my entire extended fammmily about my story and journey. There is a lot to think about with levels of comfort regarding having and communicating my intentions for it.

Back home after a quick din I briefly worked on some song writing, but for the first time in a while was also able to just play other songs I knew and enjoy the doing of it without feeling as much compulsion to only put my energy into a need for expression. I hope that means that I’m becoming a little more free of some things and making room again.

 

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