Search

Anonyst Man

Bold Honesty

Tag

old friends

Journal: 02/10/17-02/12/17

Fri, 10th – Totally slacking on my time logging, I don’t have anything to remind me what I did during the day except for starting to completely wipe all connection to her from social media and my photos. Plenty happened that evening to remember though. I tried a highly rated Indian place for dinner and was joined by Mom & Scott, Rach & Matt, Brit, Leah & Steven, Gramma, Heather & Jeff, Doreen & Andrew, Rob & Anne. I got to sit between Leah and Gramma and had fun catching up with them. Gramma was very interested in my upcoming travel to Columbus, Chicago, NY, Barcelona, and Morocco. The more I think of it, the crazier it is, and the more I’m a little nervous able being prepared and having the energy for all of it. Gramma’s birthday card and her note (my featured image) is so awesome that I’m 100% sure that I’m going to get it as a tattoo, probably on my front ribs under the outside corner of my chest. After dinner, we all headed over to Village Tavern where Mike & Pon were ready for us. We started dancing and I noticed Gramma showed up and looked uncomfortable so I made sure she got a seat, that she knew where everyone was, and that someone was getting her her glass of wine. After a while she started to feel comfortable and I convinced Rob & Anne to join me on the floor by reminding them that Rob’s dancing was what first got Anne’s attention before they started dating. That worked and they were the wildest of the family on the floor while most of the others kept Gramma company and tended the bar. Leah, Pon, and I tore it up  and got all sweaty for the next few hours while I also made friends and danced with some new friends there. One was a girl named Hilary who when I first saw her she had her ams crossed so I went over, reached out for her hands, and she uncrossed them and gave them to me, and we danced a little. She started smiling and softened up and I thought she had a cuteness in her dimples and soft looking skin, but since I was there with friends and family, and there was something that just didn’t feel right enough, I didn’t really try to go anywhere with her. I’m not really sure when family left, the very end of the night started to get a little fuzzy. On the way home, Pon was apparently emotionally drunk and either saw Mike flirting or completely overreacted,  but was looking to me for some comfort and affection. I think because she was feeling the insecurity that comes with the turf and I was a man who she knew wouldn’t do anything inappropriate. I vaguely remember getting home and out of the car but that’s where the night ends for me.

Sat, 11th – First order of business was to find my phone which I knew was in the house thanks to the find my phone app. It turned out to be hiding under the pillows in my bed. For breakfast I whipped up some eggs and guac for me and the Momma. She was asking about my new cooking and my fresh salsa she really liked so I showed her by making it with her. I know I worked on some random stuff before my date with Rori, but nothing memorable enough I guess. After showering and getting ready, I was with her around 5:30 I think so we had a good amount of time before we were planning on skating. We ended up walking down to a park where people were ice skating, and then down to the river where we sat and swung on a swing. She helped me remember or realize that this is the last weekend living in Cincinnati and will only be back when visiting. On the walk back to start heading to our plans for the night, we took a detour to swing by a Hustler Hollywood store because she lived right by it and we had texted about any more interesting or adventurous things we’d tried and that it could be fun to look at together. We spent probably an hour and a half in there. To me it was a legitimate educational experience on the level of visiting a museum and examining artifacts from a large, and foreign world that was both ancient in it’s origins and raw needs, but futuristic in its technology and design. Every conceivable shape and tool for uses in different purposes and combinations. There were at least 10 times where I had to stare at something for an honest minute before it clicked to me how the product was intended to be used. The level of creativity and innovation was honestly mind-boggling. Once we’d seen everything, Rori made it real to me that she was willing to try anything I was curious to learn about first-hand and that this might be a rare opportunity. After probably another half-hour reconsidering everything I’d seen and the decision fatigue that comes with shopping for a wide variety of unfamiliar things as someone naturally very frugal, I had my little basket full and was ready to checkout. My little haul included drip candles that are made of a wax that peels off easily, handcuffs, little rubber cups that you can squeeze to suction anywhere on each other, some black rope for learning to tie each other up, and some rope accessories like a book that teaches basics and a little tickle tool to make sure make sure there isn’t any loss of circulation. Since that took longer than expected we had to head straight to our plans for the night, which was roller skating, immediately. The place was very interesting in that it looked like a castle, but on the inside it was like any rink I’d ever been to. It took a little time to adjust to the skates but we eventually both got comfortable and had a pretty good time. On the way home at around 10pm, I found out she hadn’t eaten since 10am. We tried to think of places open on the way home but ended up deciding that making spaghetti at her place was the fastest option that wouldn’t make her sensitive and already upset stomach even worse. After we’d eaten and she was feeling better we hung out on her couch drinking wine and talking and then started getting close. We decided to move to the bedroom where I nervously tried to think ahead about how and when to use the things I’d bought. Among the conventional things, we tried the candles first which was kinda scary but exciting, and the actual drips didn’t feel enjoyable but basically just burned me. We decided maybe I’d enjoy dripping on someone else more, but naturally being very afraid of hurting others, I didn’t really steer us there. Next we tried the little suction tubes. They didn’t really do much but they were fun to just play with and try different places on each other. Those were actually much more innocent and cute to play with than I expected and would easily use them again. I think the cute fun had us just enjoying each other so much that we didn’t get to the handcuffs or the work of ‘learning the ropes.’ I’m glad we stepped out of what was easy to try some new things and I’m looking forward to see how things go when we see each other again on Valentine’s Day.

Sun, 12th – Waking up with someone else is always so much better than alone. Rolling around, snuggling, being against each other, and helping each  other wake up probably lasted a half-hour. When she said she was hungry but didn’t want to ruin her brunch appetite so I suggested we dip the strawberries we bought at the grocery in chocolate like we’d planned on doing the night before. She introduced me to an amazingly easy microwavable little cup with chocolate which makes dipping anything in chocolate super easy. After a while of snacking and talking and holding onto each other in the kitchen, we ended up on her floor briefly since she had to be leaving for brunch. I kept my promise not to make her late and we headed out, said goodbye, and that we’d see each other in a couple days for Valentine’s and that I’d try to get my rope skills ready enough for some trial by then. I took a four hour nap shortly after getting home. Even after I woke up it took a while to get up, get some food and get a couple little things done. It was difficult, but I got myself to the gym for a short workout before they closed. Once back home, I worked on very slowly trying to get caught up on my journaling while being distracted by the Grammys and texting Dan about music.

 

Advertisements

Journal: 01/26/17

Going to sleep early last night, even though it took me a while to fall asleep, paid off. I was actually able to get up pretty close to my alarm and used my time tracker to clock how long it was taking me to get out of bed which I think helped that too.

My old man hips took about 4o min to roll out on a lacrosse ball to feel thoroughly worked on.

Getting back to meditation for the second day in a row felt good too. I remembered the reason I stopped was from discomfort in my back from sitting on the floor the whole time. I think I could tell today how much rolling out on the lacrosse ball and a few weeks of core work has made sitting unsupported more comfortable.

I squeezed in brunch and headed off to therapy. I caught my therapist up on the past week’s events and how I was feeling. I was strange but refreshing to have a girl besides Carly to talk about now. We talked a little bit about how it was also weird to me that I was now in contact with a music producer, making plans to record, and that I might actually complete an album that I hadn’t really intended to make at first. We also discussed my upcoming visit to Evanston, and the prospect of having a story time with anyone in the university who was interested in hearing what I’ve been through. I told her that I think my intentions aren’t for attention or sympathy but I have this nagging doubt and negativity that keeps trying to dissuade me. I think if I did it in the right way that I would benefit from the opportunity to put it all behind me, and that there are likely at least some others who would benefit from what I’ve learned the hard way. I’ll probably talk to a couple people about my idea when I’m up there.

After an exhausting workout I texted with Rori and found out that she’s available this weekend. Since she was feeling stressed out and was still at work I looked up and booked an escape the room reservation for us tomorrow. They’re going to blindfold and handcuff us. I’m pretty excited.

Coming home to shower and eat, I worked on the blog post that I still haven’t completed about the first long phone conversation I recently had with Carly where we really got to catch up and hear about each other’s lives and what we’ve been learning.

I had to take a break after an hour because it was harder work than I thought and I was exhausted so I relaxed by playing and singing a couple of my songs for a while.

Once I was done with that I got thinking about changes that I’ve been thinking of making to my categories and items in my time logger app. I spent a while creating new items and reorganizing them with the ones I already have to get a good amount closer to a setup that I think will allow me to easily track 90% of my time with a meaningful and useful designation.

Then, after eating and wasting a little time, I got back to the journaling until Carson, one of my old volunteer kids who’s now 22, called me. He was driving from Dayton to Columbus and decided to give me a call with his free time. He asked what I was doing so I told him about my journaling and he asked a handful of questions that happened to have kind of heavy answers. The heavy subjects made him wonder if I was feeling down so I told him some of the more recent fun stuff going on which I think made him feel a little better.

Pretty much the rest of the night after that was drinking mimosas and wine and watching Scandal and Con Air. Not bad if you ask me.

Now I’m trying to decide whether or not to eat my 5th meal of the day as planned or if I’m tired enough to just go to sleep.

Journal:01/13/17

Friday ended up being a bigger adventure than I expected.

I almost missed therapy again. I think I set my alarm early enough that the mom was still getting ready to go to work and I didn’t want to get in her way so I must have turned my alarm off or something.  I woke up a while later to the sound of another alarm outside my bedroom door. Pretty embarrassing to say but since she knew I missed therapy the day before, she set an extra alarm for me. Very nice and thoughtful, but it sounds pretty pathetic and is not the easiest to admit, but I’m really trying to work on not holding back even in the little ways that are really easy to just omit and own everything that is real.

Often times, since I am better at seeing the little things I’m ashamed of instead of the little things that I should be proud of, I know my honesty is probably giving myself and others a lopsided view of more of my bad than my good. I think I’m going to try to revive and change the format of my posts about what I love about myself to be a single running list that I timestamp any time I add to it.

Therapy itself was a lot of updating Leah on my conversations with Carly since we last met. I also told her that I was a little frustrated how much time and energy dealing with all the emotional stuff made me feel like I wasn’t making more progress on practical accomplishments and life-management.

We also talked about how I reacted to some of the conversation with Carly. How I have almost a need to coax her to admit all the worst and hardest thing about myself and our relationship so that I can take as much credit for the bad as possible to make sure that 1) I’m thoroughly beating the lesson into or out of me, I’m not sure which way and 2) I think I have this self punishment complex where it’s only right and just that if I found out I’ve done anyone wrong that I have to learn my lesson in a painful way as some form of payment or penance of fairness.

Leah said that wasn’t really healthy. I wasn’t surprised.

She went on to point that out as a very extreme type of oversimplified black-and-white thinking to always assume and put all the worst on myself and all the best on others. I get that, but I also see others often excusing themselves for things that they played a role in being responsible for and I don’t want to be a person who makes excuses and doesn’t learn from my mistakes and continues to hurt people. In that way I guess it does come back to my deep and powerful core value to “never hurt anyone”, which is impossible but I believe worth trying to minimize and I am very harsh and unforgiving of myself when I fail.

One counter to my assumption that I was the only one who had done anything wrong was talking with Leah about the strange little relief to know that Carly had been holding back a whole lot from me about who she really was and what she really needed. The more that sinks in the more it feels like being constantly lied to.  It isn’t about laying any blame, but was a relief to know I wasn’t the ONLY person who had done ANYTHING wrong  like I had been telling myself. In comparison to that, the fact that she was consciously in contact with someone else on a daily basis and developing feelings for them while we were still together doesn’t feel like nearly as big of a betrayal as the foundational lying it turns out she had been doing to both of us for so long. Don’t worry, I’m not using this as ANY kind of excuse for myself, I still take plenty of the blame for wrongdoing still, it has just been important for me to really see past some of my black-and-white thinking that EVERYTHING was ALWAYS ALL my fault.

I think the topic of being so harsh on myself is what reminded me and shifted us to talking about my realizations about how for a long time my extreme pressure, and expectations, and withholding, and harshness with myself was in a way abusing myself. She told me about someone she knew or heard about who put a childhood photo on their bathroom mirror and reminded to love themselves and and treat themselves and talk to themselves the way they would to the little little version of them self that was in the photo. That is something I might try doing since my realization was essentially that I was abusing that person inside me.

I told her about some of the frustration and impatience I was having, feeling like I was spending so much time and making most of my progress in this emotional space that I wasn’t getting to see as much practical improvement as I wanted (even thought there definitely has been a fair amount considering how low I was to begin with). She essentially told me that I was making good progress, that the last thing I needed was something else to beat myself up about, and to be patient with myself.

After therapy, I knew that I would be heading to Columbus for happy hour that afternoon so I got through my daily prep and gym time fast and early and was fussing to customize my computer set up customized when it was time to go.

I headed straight to the bar I was meeting the girls at and Mike D. also decided to come hang out even though he didn’t know anyone else. I got to catch up with Jim Christy who Julie now works with. Mike and everyone got introduced, and talked a little bit about work stuff, then also about dogs, I found out that someone I had worked with used to be a Hooters waitress which I was so happy to know, then a bowling lane opened up and I talked to Paige about what she’s thinking about her career. We all took a picture to share with Kaitlin and Stacy who didn’t end up making it out.

We moved on to Local Bar when it seemed the larger group was winding down pretty early. I got to practice talking with girls who I didn’t know at all without trying too hard. Luckily I actually had a genuine question to ask one of their group who they all were. When some of her group came back, I got to talk with them too. One of whom was a cute, single blonde who I had noticed earlier. They were very cool and the conversation was pretty fun for me at least, then someone turned it political and the dynamic started to get weird even though I didn’t think anyone said anything offensive. They said they were going to Union for the rest of the night after I told them I was going to meet other friends at Pint House and we went our separate ways. Maybe I should have been more direct and given special attention to the cute blonde instead of just being friendly. I don’t know, that’s just the stuff I wonder about after I meet cute girls that get my attention and try to be a genuinely friendly person and considerate of the friends they’re with.

Grant and Carson were there when I got to Pint House so I got to catch up and have both dumb and some bits of meaningful conversation with them. It’s crazy think about how I used to volunteer and mentor them in a christian organization and now I go out and party with them, but to be honest it’s not weird because at the heart we just have brotherly relationships and really care about each other and want to have fun together. We did have a lot of fun being stupid but we also talked a little bit about the status of things with Carly.

Carson was sad to hear about it because he knew her and we had been an example to him. He also told me that I was the only man that he ever cried in front of and how much that meant to him, how it changed his life, and I think he even said was one of if not THE best day of his life. I remembered the night he was talking about. He had a girlfriend who he cared about and she was upset about something bad that happened to her, and he was upset for her. He shed some tears and I had met his father who was a pretty hard man, and I knew that Carson put a lot of his identity in football and a lot of other things that often encourage the rejection or suppression of certain emotions that are considered weakness. I told him that I loved him. I told him that I didn’t care if he was great or terrible at football. I told him I didn’t think any less of him as a man for crying, but maybe even more. I told him that anything he succeeded at or failed at wouldn’t change the fact that I just loved him like a brother.

That night he thanked me and got out of the car since I was dropping him off at home, but since then there’s been a couple times he has told me a little bit about how much that conversation meant to him.

Then we got back to doing dumb stuff. I met their other friends there and one of them was a girl with a cute face and dark brown eyes named Rachel who I thought if she was nice that I would like to maybe kiss and cuddle with. We all went to Union next and the girls who said they would be there from Local Bar were nowhere to be found. Shame. At Union the only meaningful conversation we had was briefly about how I’ve never had a one night stand. Part of me now wonders if that conversation could have been misleading because I would still go home with, and kiss, and cuddle, and maybe fool around with someone if they were cute and nice enough.

Then we headed to The Standard for a while an on the way in I somehow was roped into a short conversation with some cute girls, but my innocent non-opportunistic mind didn’t think to try to extend the conversation to see if they or anyone they knew were nice, cute, and single. I was looking and hoping to find someone to kiss and cuddle with, but my own unique desires and standards are pretty abnormal which makes it hard to be understood and find what I’m looking for. I like my innocence in this way and I am too stubborn to change to operate how is normal, instead of doing things my way.

We didn’t stay at The Standard for too long before ubering to some other place that they young 22-year-old boys chose. Turns out it was a very clubby place in the middle of campus filled with 18-year-olds grinding on the dance floor. There were a rare couple nice girls in groups that seemed to have class and would be nice to get to know, but again the safe thing to assume about a guy in a place like that is that he just wants to have meaningless and selfish sex with anyone he finds attractive enough. I pretty felt very discouraged and lonely by the truth of that fact, and how much I didn’t really like the environment I was in. I think that’s when I opened my phone and typed this note as a draft in wordpress:

“Good damn I miss her so much”

I missed having someone who I didn’t have to wonder if they were a kind and caring human being, and if they understood or cared about who I was. I missed knowing there was someone like that who I could go to almost whenever I wanted and that they would also want to be with me. I also am so full of intimate memories with her that whenever I imaging getting close with someone in any capacity, my default is to see it with her.

I lost Grant and Carson while I was exploring the club, and it turned out they had already left so I headed out and crashed at Molly’s house to end a pretty eventful day.

 

 

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑