Anonyst Man

Bold Honesty



Journal: 02/13/17

Switching back over to individual day posts while getting caught up because this is getting out of hand.

Whipped myself up some fried egg with guac and fresh salsa for brekky after waking up at a reasonable hour and not spending a completely excessive amount of time in bed listening to music and coaxing myself up.

I spent basically all of the morning starting what will be the last song on my album in light of the true nature of the end of my relationship. There is a lot to it and a lot to remember but I think I got all, and if not I’m sure the rest will come to me. I am glad that I took some time away just because it would have been too exhausting to try to grind it out while it was still fresh. I don’t think any of my feelings have changed at all though, and I can’t see them changing any time soon.

It’s a lot. I’m not sure how I’m going to get everything that I have to say in its fullest yet densest, without creating a 10 minute song but if that’s what it takes to do it right I guess I shouldn’t worry about how long the average song is. This one isn’t the average song. Working on it made me realize that in order to continue my intention not to look back or give any more thought or attention to her at all anymore, I’ll never be able to play any of these songs again once they are completed and laid to rest. I think I’m still perfectly ok with that, and if anything, would rather just work on a forward-looking album instead. It might get awkward to have to turn any close friends or family down who may ask to hear me play live though.

While I would have preferred to make progress on my other existing songs, I couldn’t help but organize a little more and add to my notes for songs that would be in a second album. I’m trying not to think about that any further than taking down any thoughts or ideas as they come to me naturally. I still haven’t gotten a response from Dan about landing time, and also had the idea of having someone filming a little bit in the studio while we’re working. I’m thinking either Sean or maybe someone Dan knows.

My writing breaks consisted of finally sorting through (but not paying or calling about) my last batch of bills from the apartment in Chicago, eating, just playing some songs on my guitar, practicing a little rope work for tomorrow, reviewing email, and trying to register for Spring classes, and more eating. Although I wasn’t able to get registration completed for reasons beyond my control, I should be able to get it all done in R2 without any issue.

By the time I knew I couldn’t do any more about registration for the day, it was a little later than I felt comfortable with about going to the gym and getting my energy up since I wanted to go to sleep earlier and wake up earlier.

I texted my closest friends up at school and they were excited. I’m very excited, but nervous to the extent that is probably normal and that I should feel, but not much more or less.

We’re having a boy! His name is Lepsch Junior. They showed me his penis.

Throughout the day and evening, along with school friends, I also had conversation with Rori planning our date tomorrow, got to know Harper a little better, and messaged with Nathalie and Lisa. That is a lot of talking with different girls. I don’t think I feel weird about it thought for multiple reasons. First there wouldn’t be anything wrong with dating around even if I was. Second, I’m not even sure what my intentions are with half of them. Third, I’m only actually seeing one of them and we have established we are not in a relationship. It is kind of nice to feel ok and ready to start to get back out there as just another step towards putting things behind me and moving forward.

My brain is too tired to try to remember any more stuff. Night night.


Journal: 01/19/17

Getting closer to my normal schedule after that weird AF weekend, I had a therapy session where I recounted my activities and thoughts in almost the same way that I have begun to share them here, so it seems like maybe I could start getting different things out of working with her or maybe sharing my blog would save time if she would have any interest in that.

We did talk a little about my decision now between volunteering travel and recording the album. Although part of me does feel like I would be backing out on what I had been saying, I do feel like the album is more time sensitive and that time is now. Travel volunteering will have plenty of time and options in the future, but being in the right state of mind for the album probably won’t last very long. Now that I’m back in contact with Carly on friendly terms, part of me is nervous that I’ll lose some of my connection with some of the songs.

Swung by the gym before heading home, and listened to a podcast about networks while I worked out. Apparently the average number of meaningful relationships that anyone can have is about 150 with tiers of intimate, best, close, good, and familiar friends and maybe very good acquaintances. That did get me thinking about how much I have a hard time saying no to people and not trying to be everyone’s friend. I considered making it a goal to make a conscious effort to be intentional about who those people are and how I manage my time and relationships with them.

When I got home after getting ready, I started adding to my unfinished first post here which explains how I came to start this journal/blog in the first place. While I worked on that I listened to another podcast which described how out most precious resource isn’t time, but attention, which can decides if and how time spent is used effectively or not.

When I got to a part that recalled writing a song, I decided that I would call the music producer Dan back to see if I could get ahold of him to discuss the story behind my developing album, what I’m trying to do with it, and what he would need from me to make it a real thing. He seemed to really appreciate my honesty and vulnerability and was excited to work on the project together. Turns out I’ll probably be headed out to NY for two trips, one in mid February, and another around mid March, for about 3 days each. Although, I might extend to have some fun and Karl might come out and join for fun too.

I still haven’t completed that post and it’s a bit of a mess right now, but I think I might be about half way there now. It’s a lot of ground to try and capture as succinctly and accurately while also painting with the right colors and tones. I also had to stop when I was first writing it because reliving all of the relationship parts were too much for me to handle in one sitting.

At some point Karl called, which is when we discussed NY. We got caught up on the last week which I was happy to do, but having already recapped everything in a ton of journaling, in therapy, and again, I was starting to feel like I was on repeat. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. It probably reenforces some of the memories and the lessons and the thoughts that I want to hold on to and remember later.

While I was talking on the phone, I roamed and paced around the house like I usually do and ended up laying on the bed. By the end of the call I could feel myself fighting sleep and after we hung up, I decided to take a nap since I have recently been feeling like I might be getting sick and because like the last few weeks I get tired after getting back to the gym after missing several days.

Shortly after I woke up, Rachel called and I was half awake so I wasn’t very good conversation probably. We talked about a trip to Chicago, and I explained how that would probably have to be planned dependent on my time in NY once I knew when that was going to be. I have a feeling there is going to be a handful of weeks or weekends where I could line up a whole string of plans if I wanted to. Guess I’ll have to see.

I slowly tried waking up from my late nap, heading downstairs and catching some of the show Scandal which was on. That show is so ridiculously hyper-dramatized every second that I can’t help but straight up laugh out loud at it every now and then.

Heated up some food, had a glass of wine, and took a Benadryl for good measure so I can hopefully fall asleep quickly despite my late nap. I am ready for bed. Night night.


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