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Anonyst Man

Bold Honesty

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therapy

Journal: 01/26/17

Going to sleep early last night, even though it took me a while to fall asleep, paid off. I was actually able to get up pretty close to my alarm and used my time tracker to clock how long it was taking me to get out of bed which I think helped that too.

My old man hips took about 4o min to roll out on a lacrosse ball to feel thoroughly worked on.

Getting back to meditation for the second day in a row felt good too. I remembered the reason I stopped was from discomfort in my back from sitting on the floor the whole time. I think I could tell today how much rolling out on the lacrosse ball and a few weeks of core work has made sitting unsupported more comfortable.

I squeezed in brunch and headed off to therapy. I caught my therapist up on the past week’s events and how I was feeling. I was strange but refreshing to have a girl besides Carly to talk about now. We talked a little bit about how it was also weird to me that I was now in contact with a music producer, making plans to record, and that I might actually complete an album that I hadn’t really intended to make at first. We also discussed my upcoming visit to Evanston, and the prospect of having a story time with anyone in the university who was interested in hearing what I’ve been through. I told her that I think my intentions aren’t for attention or sympathy but I have this nagging doubt and negativity that keeps trying to dissuade me. I think if I did it in the right way that I would benefit from the opportunity to put it all behind me, and that there are likely at least some others who would benefit from what I’ve learned the hard way. I’ll probably talk to a couple people about my idea when I’m up there.

After an exhausting workout I texted with Rori and found out that she’s available this weekend. Since she was feeling stressed out and was still at work I looked up and booked an escape the room reservation for us tomorrow. They’re going to blindfold and handcuff us. I’m pretty excited.

Coming home to shower and eat, I worked on the blog post that I still haven’t completed about the first long phone conversation I recently had with Carly where we really got to catch up and hear about each other’s lives and what we’ve been learning.

I had to take a break after an hour because it was harder work than I thought and I was exhausted so I relaxed by playing and singing a couple of my songs for a while.

Once I was done with that I got thinking about changes that I’ve been thinking of making to my categories and items in my time logger app. I spent a while creating new items and reorganizing them with the ones I already have to get a good amount closer to a setup that I think will allow me to easily track 90% of my time with a meaningful and useful designation.

Then, after eating and wasting a little time, I got back to the journaling until Carson, one of my old volunteer kids who’s now 22, called me. He was driving from Dayton to Columbus and decided to give me a call with his free time. He asked what I was doing so I told him about my journaling and he asked a handful of questions that happened to have kind of heavy answers. The heavy subjects made him wonder if I was feeling down so I told him some of the more recent fun stuff going on which I think made him feel a little better.

Pretty much the rest of the night after that was drinking mimosas and wine and watching Scandal and Con Air. Not bad if you ask me.

Now I’m trying to decide whether or not to eat my 5th meal of the day as planned or if I’m tired enough to just go to sleep.

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Journal: 01/19/17

Getting closer to my normal schedule after that weird AF weekend, I had a therapy session where I recounted my activities and thoughts in almost the same way that I have begun to share them here, so it seems like maybe I could start getting different things out of working with her or maybe sharing my blog would save time if she would have any interest in that.

We did talk a little about my decision now between volunteering travel and recording the album. Although part of me does feel like I would be backing out on what I had been saying, I do feel like the album is more time sensitive and that time is now. Travel volunteering will have plenty of time and options in the future, but being in the right state of mind for the album probably won’t last very long. Now that I’m back in contact with Carly on friendly terms, part of me is nervous that I’ll lose some of my connection with some of the songs.

Swung by the gym before heading home, and listened to a podcast about networks while I worked out. Apparently the average number of meaningful relationships that anyone can have is about 150 with tiers of intimate, best, close, good, and familiar friends and maybe very good acquaintances. That did get me thinking about how much I have a hard time saying no to people and not trying to be everyone’s friend. I considered making it a goal to make a conscious effort to be intentional about who those people are and how I manage my time and relationships with them.

When I got home after getting ready, I started adding to my unfinished first post here which explains how I came to start this journal/blog in the first place. While I worked on that I listened to another podcast which described how out most precious resource isn’t time, but attention, which can decides if and how time spent is used effectively or not.

When I got to a part that recalled writing a song, I decided that I would call the music producer Dan back to see if I could get ahold of him to discuss the story behind my developing album, what I’m trying to do with it, and what he would need from me to make it a real thing. He seemed to really appreciate my honesty and vulnerability and was excited to work on the project together. Turns out I’ll probably be headed out to NY for two trips, one in mid February, and another around mid March, for about 3 days each. Although, I might extend to have some fun and Karl might come out and join for fun too.

I still haven’t completed that post and it’s a bit of a mess right now, but I think I might be about half way there now. It’s a lot of ground to try and capture as succinctly and accurately while also painting with the right colors and tones. I also had to stop when I was first writing it because reliving all of the relationship parts were too much for me to handle in one sitting.

At some point Karl called, which is when we discussed NY. We got caught up on the last week which I was happy to do, but having already recapped everything in a ton of journaling, in therapy, and again, I was starting to feel like I was on repeat. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. It probably reenforces some of the memories and the lessons and the thoughts that I want to hold on to and remember later.

While I was talking on the phone, I roamed and paced around the house like I usually do and ended up laying on the bed. By the end of the call I could feel myself fighting sleep and after we hung up, I decided to take a nap since I have recently been feeling like I might be getting sick and because like the last few weeks I get tired after getting back to the gym after missing several days.

Shortly after I woke up, Rachel called and I was half awake so I wasn’t very good conversation probably. We talked about a trip to Chicago, and I explained how that would probably have to be planned dependent on my time in NY once I knew when that was going to be. I have a feeling there is going to be a handful of weeks or weekends where I could line up a whole string of plans if I wanted to. Guess I’ll have to see.

I slowly tried waking up from my late nap, heading downstairs and catching some of the show Scandal which was on. That show is so ridiculously hyper-dramatized every second that I can’t help but straight up laugh out loud at it every now and then.

Heated up some food, had a glass of wine, and took a Benadryl for good measure so I can hopefully fall asleep quickly despite my late nap. I am ready for bed. Night night.

 

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